Sometimes your spouse’s behaviors have nothing to do with you. He’s not just doing that thing you hate to try and make you mad on purpose. He’s not putting conscious effort into ruining your day. In fact, he’s probably not even thinking about those things that drive you crazy at all. But for you, that’s the problem.
A wife who assumes her husband isn’t putting the toilet seat down because he doesn’t care about her is probably way over analyzing how much effort her husband is putting into what she considers to be an act of defiance. In fact, he’s not thinking about the toilet seat at all and is usually confused about why she gets so mad.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to step back and look at what you are actually upset about. Try to determine what it is that is making you angry and decide if it is worth picking an argument about.
Sometimes arguments that start out about one thing can lead to an argument about something completely different. For example, a wife who tells her husband he’s a slob, starts bringing up all sorts of other behaviors she finds intolerable. Soon they are insulting each other and arguing about a variety of things, all because his shirt didn’t make it into the hamper.
Husbands can be equally guilty of viewing their wife’s behavior as a personal attack. A husband may assume his wife purposely takes a long time to get ready to leave the house because she knows it drives him crazy. Or he may think she purposely doesn’t cook his favorite dinner very often because she’s mad at him about something.
Your spouse’s behaviors that differ from yours are probably due to your spouse having different values about what is important. Maybe you value a clean house and he values time with the children. Or she finds it more important to look nice and you’d rather be on time at all costs.
If you find yourself taking your spouse’s behaviors personally all the time, learn how to take a step back. Ask yourself if there are any other possible reasons for your spouse’s behaviors. Try to determine the best approach to dealing with these behaviors when you are calm. You may find that waiting until you are calm helps you to see them from a more rational perspective.