In some marriages, people act very nice and polite all the time. It actually isn’t healthy. Your spouse should be the person that you can show your anger, frustration, sadness, and irrationality to, and they’ll still love you.
As children, we learn the importance of being polite. And this usually serves us well. When you behave in a polite manner, others tend to respond better. You get your needs met more easily and people tend to like you. It makes it easier to make friends and gain respect from others.
This can continue into adulthood. People who behave politely may find their co-workers and their boss like them. Their dates enjoy bringing them home to meet the parents. They make nice neighbors and good tenants.
However, some people carry this attitude of politeness into their marriage. They don’t tell their partner they disagree. They perform tasks and duties without complaining often. They comply to their partner’s requests. When they return home from a bad day at work, you’d never know it.
The danger of acting nice and polite all the time is that you might not be able to get your needs met. It’s likely that you will repress your negative feelings without having an outlet to share them. In your own home, it should feel like a safe and comfortable place to share your feelings, even if it will make your partner mad.
If you don’t feel comfortable asking for what you want and need, you are likely to grow resentful over time. However, not sharing your resentment can cause you to continue to behave politely, even when you don’t feel like doing so. Underlying resentment can lead to anger and frustration and can eventually cause the marriage to dissolve.
If you find that you feel the need to be polite in the marriage, ask yourself why. Is it a lack of emotional intimacy? Do you have a history of unhealthy relationships where it wasn’t safe to show your feelings? Do you worry about your partner’s reaction if you disagree or don’t behave politely?
Look at the underlying reasons for your behaviors to help you decide what to do. It may require therapy to help you and to help the relationship. Therapy can help people learn to identify their feelings and express them in ways that get their needs met.