In A Crisis, Ask For Help And Love!
A client came in recently and mentioned that his wife was spaced out. Why? Her sister has cancer. He said he was doing the best he could to deal with his wife. I asked him what he wanted. He looked surprised. Why? Because she’s your sister in law. You must have feelings about her. When difficult events happen, we all need help. Here are some suggestions.
Let me use the above example. I asked him if he liked his sister in law. Yes. So, what can help you? I don’t know. Do you want more hugs? More cuddles? Do you want your wife asking you how you feel about what’s happening? Yes, he said. So, ask her! Anything else? Like what? Well, do you need to spend more time alone or with your wife? More time with my wife. Would you like to go out for coffee more? That would be wonderful. Anything more? Well, there’s a new yogurt shop. So, go for a walk!
Then I asked him about his wife. What does she need? She’s been asking for things. Do you offer without being asked? What? Try offering. Like what? Well, some of the same things you want! And ask her directly what she wants—repeatedly. Leave sweet notes, flowers around.
Next, I posed the other questions: What do you know about cancer? Not much. She tells me what’s happening with her sister. Does she know a lot? I guess so. Is she in therapy? Yes. Does her therapist know a lot about cancer? I don’t know. Would you consider asking her to take you to her therapy? No? You might. You might also consider going together to a therapist specializing in cancer. Like where? Like the American Cancer Society. (You can find specialists at agencies or in your local therapist directory.)
So, use the above example to ask for more to help you and your loved ones through things!
In times of crisis, which is not avoidable because things really happen, seeking for more attention of love and help is really necessary. And thinking that leads to arguments are not good for that. Asking questions about the certain problem and how you can help is a feeling that enlightens the partner instead of nagging for no result of good suggestion to make things solved
I’m reading Living with a Funtional Alocoholic right now and have found a lot of useful information. My husband was drinking at home and then said he was going to the local bar for a couple beers and asked if I mind… I said yes and then gently talked to him about the amount of drinking he’s been doing and that I was afraid and concerned. I didn’t tell him he couldn’t go but he got very angry and hasn’t spoken to me in almost 2 months. Not speaking is his M.O. but this is the longest it’s ever lasted. I am a ghost in my house. I’ve started going to Alanon and reading books such as this for enlightenment and help. Thanks!