The Marriage Counseling Blog

People often wonder why their relationship loses a spark after being married. However, sometimes if you look at how your behaviors have changed, it becomes evident. People tend to treat one another differently when they are dating compared to once they are married.

How Do You Spend Your Time Together?

What activities did you do together when you were dating? It’s likely that you actually went out on dates. When you stayed in, what did you do? If you are like most couples, you enjoyed your time together no matter what you did. It’s likely the focus was on one another.

However, once people are married, their activities often change. They tend to go out on dates much less frequently. Their activities often center around household responsibilities rather than setting aside special time together to focus on each other. Many couples don’t plan special activities that they look forward to anymore either. If you don’t set aside special time for one another, it won’t just happen on its own. It is important to spend quality time together like when you were dating.

What Do You Talk About?

When people are dating they often talk about themselves. They are interested in what their partner has to say. They discuss their favorite memories, goals, and dreams. They share funny stories, talk about their families, and their feelings.

Once people are married, topics of conversation often change. People stop discussing some of their hopes and dreams. They often talk less about their feelings. Instead, their conversation centers around what is for dinner, who is going to pick up the kids, and how much was spent on groceries. As topics of discussion turn to things such as bills, household chores, work, and kids it’s no wonder married people sometimes grow bored!

Marriage can make some couple’s conversations look more like a formal business meeting rather than a fun conversation. Take time out to re-visit some more romantic and exciting topics. Discuss your goals in life. Talk about things you feel passionate about. Enjoy quality conversation with one another.

How Do You Care For Yourself?

When you were dating, it’s likely that you put some effort into your appearance. Compare how you dressed for a date to what you wear around the house now that you are married. It’s likely that you put far less effort and energy into your appearance than when you were dating.

When people are dating, they tend to put more effort into what they wear, how their hair looks, how they smell, and what they look like overall. After you’ve been married for a few years, it’s likely that your spouse would appreciate your same efforts. If you’ve become relaxed with your appearance, try devoting some added effort into how you look. You might find it gives you an added boost of confidence and might help add some much needed spark back into the relationship.

How Do You Treat One Another?

When people are dating they tend to be more patient, kinder, and more loving than when they are married. Think about how you treated your spouse during the early days. Were you kinder in how you communicated? Were you more tolerant of your spouse’s behaviors?

Trying treating your spouse like you did during those early days. Perhaps that means a back rub every evening. Or maybe you agreed to watch the kinds of movies that your spouse enjoys. Try reigniting the spark by returning to some of the ways you treated your spouse in the past.

Making Behavioral Changes

If you behaved like you do in your married life while you were dating, do you think you would have gotten married? For example, if you wore sweatpants and spent your time watching television, how successful would your dating life have been? Not everyone falls into the trap of changing their behaviors once they are married. However, many people do. It’s important to examine how your behaviors may have changed over the years.

Having a fulfilling marriage requires you to behave lovingly, even when you don’t always feel like it. It is easier to do a lot of these things early on in the relationship. When you are dating, the excitement you experience often makes you want to behave more lovingly. However, after years of marriage, people tend to slowly slip out of these behaviors when they feel less of that spark. Try changing your behaviors and you might find that your loving feelings intensify and it can really improve your marriage.