The Marriage Counseling Blog

Sometimes couples report that they never fight, disagree, or argue. In fact, sometimes their marriage sounds more like a polite interaction with a store clerk or the mail carrier.  Marriage is not supposed to mean that both people will get along all the time by agreeing on everything. Many couples go to great lengths to avoid conflicts. This is unhealthy for the marriage.

Showing anger is actually a form of intimacy. Think about the people who usually see your anger? Is it the people that you see in passing at the store, or is it more likely to be the people who live in your home? Most people try to be on their best behavior in public environments. Then, when in the comfort of their own home they might be willing to let their guard down a little to show their feelings when they are angry. 

Anger is not a bad emotion. Aggressive behavior is what is not good. However, there are safe ways to resolve conflict and share anger. Telling your partner your feelings, sharing that you disagree, and offering your opinion are all signs of a healthy relationship. Tiptoeing around issues or trying not to upset your partner can be a sign of problems. Although it might make sense to do those behaviors around your boss in order to keep your boss happy, trying to avoid conflict with your partner, may mean a lack of intimacy or trust.

If you and your partner disagree, find healthy ways to communicate your feelings. Set rules about how to handle conflict in a healthy way. Determine what behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors, such as aggression, are not.

Healthy conflict resolution can be helpful to a marriage. It can help both partners get their needs met. It can also teach people how to effectively communicate their feelings. There is something satisfying about solving a problem together where both people are satisfied with the outcome. It helps to ensure that resentment will not continue to build up over time as well.