The Marriage Counseling Blog

How do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

Let’s say you have a spouse who is always running late. You are planning to have dinner at a friend’s house so you tell your spouse you want to leave at 5:30, knowing that it will most likely be 6:00 before you actually get out the door, which will still get you to your friend’s house on time. Then your spouse is running extra late and it is 6:15 before you get going. What would you do? Calmly call your friend to say you may be a few minutes late? Just arrive late without calling? Make your spouse call and apologize, taking full responsibility? Yell at your spouse the entire ride? Give him/her the silent treatment for the rest of the night? Or maybe just pout during the car ride and act as though things are fine when you arrive at your friend’s house? Do you threaten to not go to his/her mother’s house tomorrow as punishment? Read the rest of this article »

Television, movies, and books often portray these wonderful relationships that show a damsel in distress saved by a knight in shining armor only to live happily ever after. How much of that could possibly be reality? Ever watch much reality television? Unfortunately, for some couples, that is reality. Hopefully, for most people, the truth lies somewhere between a fairytale and a talk show episode.

In countries where arranged marriages are the norm, couples rate higher levels of happiness and marital satisfaction compared to countries where people pick their mate. For those of us who live in cultures where being set up in an arranged marriage does not sound appealing, it seems hard to fathom how these people could report more happiness than people who picked their partner. There are lots of possible speculations as to why this is and how it could be that people forced to marry someone they never met report more happiness than those of us who had plenty of suitors to pick from. Read the rest of this article »

How do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

Let’s say you have a spouse who is always running late. You are planning to have dinner at a friend’s house so you tell your spouse you want to leave at 5:30 knowing that it will most likely be 6:00 before you actually get out the door, which will still get you to your friend’s house on time. Then your spouse is running extra late and it is 6:15 before you get going. What would you do? Calmly call your friend to say you may be a few minutes late? Just arrive late without calling? Make your spouse call and apologize and take the responsibility? Yell at your spouse the entire ride? Give him/her the silent treatment for the rest of the night? Or maybe just pout during the car ride and then act as though things are fine when you arrive at your friend’s house? Do you threaten to not go to his/her mother’s house tomorrow as punishment? Read the rest of this article »

Almost every task can be completed in several different ways. However, most people become so used to the one way that they do things that whenever someone else’s technique varies, they assume it is wrong. Learning to recognize that how your partner does something might be right, even if it is not the same way you do it, can have a positive impact on the marriage.

How do you respond when your partner is completing a task that you normally do? For example, a wife who usually cooks lasagna has all the ingredients and planned to cook lasagna for dinner. She had to stay late at work and will be at least an hour late. Her husband decides to get dinner started and he starts preparing the lasagna using the directions on the lasagne noodle box. When his wife arrives home, she yells at him and tells him that he should know that she uses her grandmother’s recipe and not the recipe on the box.

Read the rest of this article »

Problems with gambling can cause serious financial problems as well as a serious strain on a marriage.  People with gambling addictions may exhibit a lot of extreme behaviors that can result in financial ruin. Many compulsive gamblers resort to illegal activity, such as stealing, to continue their habits. Gambling addiction bears much similarity to people addicted to drugs and alcohol. People often think that they have their gambling under control and insist they can stop at any time. They also tend to minimize the impact their addiction has on others. Gambling addiction is treatable for people who want help.

Signs of a gambling problem include a pre-occupation with gambling.  People with gambling problems think about gambling a lot. Their thoughts and their behaviors impact other areas of their life. It may disrupt social activities, cause occupational problems, or cause financial problems. People with gambling addictions continue to devote more time and money toward gambling, despite the problems it causes. It can even become a problem for people who don’t gamble very often. Read the rest of this article »

For many couples, the subject of their in-laws can be a difficult subject. Discord between a spouse and a parent can be very stressful. It can be damaging to the marriage as well. Learning how to get along with your in-laws can be difficult yet valuable.

Whether your in-laws live thousands of miles away and you only see them for holidays, or they live next door and you see them daily, it can be a difficult relationship to manage. Perhaps you have a “meddling mother-in-law” who offers unsolicited advice. Or maybe you have a father-in-law who “knows everything” and enjoys pointing out your flaws. Getting together for holidays, family gatherings, or just regular visits can become taxing. Read the rest of this article »

Physical health conditions can create a variety of problems for a relationship. If one partner is diagnosed with a health condition, it can be devastating for the individual as well as the couple.  Despite marriage vows that usually mention “in sickness and in health,” for many people, physical illnesses can place a strain on the relationship that can lead to a divorce.

Physical health conditions that create a need for diet restrictions, such as diabetes, can change a person’s lifestyle completely. A partner’s response to the diagnosis can have a big impact on the relationship. For example, a partner who continues to make unhealthy meals or fill the kitchen with tempting foods can cause a lot of problems. If your partner has a health condition that is going to cause major changes in diet, educate yourself. Learn what foods are okay and which foods are off limits. Try to be supportive of your partner. Even though you might not need to change your own habits, making some changes to your diet can certainly be helpful to your spouse. Read the rest of this article »

How do you show your spouse how much you love him/her? There are a variety of ways people show their love to others. There are also differences in what makes people feel loved. Learning to recognize how you show love to your partner and what makes your partner feel loved can help you communicate your feelings much more effectively.

Some people feel loved when they receive gifts. For other people, a gift does not mean much. For example, one wife who receives flowers may think, “Wow, my husband thinks about me during the day while we are apart, which means he cares very much about me.” Another woman who receives flowers may think, “Why does he think sending flowers will make up for the time he doesn’t spend with me?”

Gifts for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are important to some people and not important at all to others. Even if gifts are not important to you, do what is important for your partner. If he/she appreciates gifts a lot, then keep this in mind. Gifts don’t have to be expensive, but they can certainly show you put thought into them. Read the rest of this article »

How much privacy exists between your marriage and others? Some couples tend to be very private people. Other couples fight openly in public and air all their dirty laundry for the whole world to see. Sometimes one person in the marriage shares all the “secrets” to others. How much privacy should be within a relationship?

Each partner should feel safe to share with their partner information in confidence. Sharing information with your partner only to learn that she has told her mother, best friend, and sister can be very hurtful. Or if you have an argument and later learn that he called his mother for advice, it can cause increased feelings of anger and resentment. Read the rest of this article »

Many people consider emotional affairs to be “innocent fun.” Often disguised as friendships, emotional affairs take friendship too far. They can be just as damaging, if not more damaging, to a marriage than a sexual affair.

People usually don’t set out looking for an emotional affair. Instead, they often seek out friendship. These friendships with people of the opposite sex might be with a co-worker, a friend’s spouse, or an online friend. They tend to begin innocent in nature with two people talking, as friends do. The relationship grows deeper and can eventually cross the line into an emotional affair. Read the rest of this article »

Everyone has needs. When a couple comes together, each person’s needs is likely to conflict with the other person’s needs. Learning how to respond to this makes the difference between a highly conflicted relationship and a peaceful marriage.

Remember that you are the expert over what you need. Your partner is the expert over his/her needs. These needs are going to be different at times. There are lots of ways to handle these differences. Think creatively and you’ll find many ways to solve these problems. Read the rest of this article »

Everyone has stress in their lives. Money, work, chores, children, and other daily responsibilities can add up to a lot of stress if people do not learn how to effectively manage it. When people are not doing well with their stress, they can become withdrawn, irritable, anxious, depressed, and angry. This can take a toll on relationships.

It is important that people learn how to effectively manage the stress in their lives. Stress is not a bad thing. It means you are alive and living. Stress can actually help people get work done and helps emphasize what is truly important in a person’s life when they are able to manage it well. Read the rest of this article »

One of you is overweight.  How does the other person handle it? How does the other person not make the situation worse?  Here are some tips.

Everyone’s talking about weight these days.  We hear about an obesity epidemic—among adults, among kids.  We also hear about all the bad diseases that can come along with being overweight and/or being obese, such as diabetes.
Read the rest of this article »

Internet porn is a very serious relationship destroyer.  On the surface, many men and boys seem addicted to it.  And while there are some women and girls who are addicted, women and girls find themselves badly affected by what is happening to the males in their lives. Let’s look at some suggestions for handling this.

Looking at porn online is a different experience from having an affair.  At least, with the latter, there’s a real person involved.  Online porn means that there’s no one there except what’s in your mind.  (One digression here: This will get worse as we get more authentic virtual reality.)  Online porn means that you’re creating an image of the perfect sexual other—in terms of looks and performance. Your present partner will never be equivalent.  Neither will you.  Moreover, in real life, both she and you will get older.  So the “person online” will be chasing ghosts. Read the rest of this article »

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Calling your partner stupid, dumb, useless, crazy, or an idiot is verbal abuse. Sometimes people will refer to their partner’s behavior and say, “I didn’t call you stupid, I said you act stupid.” Although slightly better than directly calling a person stupid, this approach is not likely to be helpful. Explaining that you don’t understand their reason for the behaviors is a much better approach. Read the rest of this article »

No, this is not another ad for financial retirement planning!  I’m assuming you have enough money and resources to retire.  What you need to do is to think about what retirement means to you.  Does it mean the end of your present life or career?  Opportunities for a new life or career?  Does it mean a change in your family relationships?  Some ideas to consider:

First, retirement from your present position means that this job is over.  If it’s been your life’s work, it means that you can feel a sense of accomplishment.  You should take pride in having done that sort of work.  It’s important that you give yourself credit so that you can go on to your next tasks. Read the rest of this article »

People often have difficulty really listening to their partner. Listening requires more than simply remaining quiet while the other person is talking (although many people struggle with doing just that). Truly listening to the other person means paying attention to what they are saying. Listening is a skill that many people struggle with and this can negatively impact relationships.

Sometimes people are so busy preparing how they are going to respond to the other person that they have difficulty listening. They stop listening at some point and begin to rehearse their response. This can cause the listener to miss their partner’s true concern or the point of the whole conversation. Read the rest of this article »

Many families struggle to pay the bills each month. The American dream says we should work hard so we can afford a house, a car, and lots of nice things. Then once we have some equity in our house, we should upgrade to a bigger house and take out a new 30-year mortgage.  We should buy a new car every few years. And we tell ourselves, “Get something nice. You deserve it.” We work so we can buy more. The more we buy, the more we work.

Social media, television, newspapers, and advertisements all sell the dream. It is easy to get caught up in wanting more. We see our friends, neighbors, and family with nice things. We want it too. So many people take every opportunity to spend. How many times do you hear, “when I get my taxes back, I’m going to buy….” Most people just don’t save their money.
Read the rest of this article »

Cannabis, or marijuana, is considered a “natural herb” by many who smoke it.  However, research shows that marijuana has many negative consequences. Consequences may include legal problems, financial problems, physical health issues, and mood instability. Like with alcohol or any other drug, marijuana can create a variety of marital issues.

People who smoke marijuana more than three times per week are at risk for experiencing cannabis withdrawal. Although this won’t technically be a diagnosable condition until the next diagnostic and statistical manual comes out in 2013, emerging research has shown the negative effects. People who smoke marijuana regularly often report it helps them to regulate their mood. However, studies are showing that it actually has the opposite effect. Read the rest of this article »

Having fun together helps build relationships within the family. Sometimes parents have difficulty letting go and just enjoying the moment. Stress of financial problems, work, and household responsibilities get in the way of just having fun. Sometimes only one of the parents seems devoted to spending time having fun while the other parent gains the reputation of the “serious parent” who drives the kids to soccer practice yet never kicks around the ball “just for fun.” It’s important for the entire family to spend time together just enjoying one another.

Parents sometimes get very caught up in the need to teach their kids. When a child tells the parent about an interaction with a friend, instead of listening, the parent starts offering advice on how to handle the situation. Perhaps the child just wanted to talk and was not looking for a counselor. Or perhaps a parent playing basketball starts to give a child “pointers” on how to play better. The parent then becomes the coach, instead of having fun. Read the rest of this article »