The Marriage Counseling Blog

When people feel angry, they have to decide whether or not to express their anger to their partner immediately. Some people decide to hold in their angry feelings as long as they can, but then it explodes. Other people immediately let their anger be known. It is important to be able to communicate with your partner about your angry feelings, however, it only makes sense to do so when you can communicate your feelings effectively.

Sometimes it makes sense to wait before expressing your anger. The more angry you feel, the less likely you will be able to express yourself effectively. So determining when you are too angry to talk to your partner is an important skill. When you are very angry, it makes sense to give yourself time to calm down before expressing your anger to your spouse.

There are some ways to evaluate how you express your anger. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you tend to say or do things that you later regret? If so, you were too angry to communicate your feelings effectively.

Do you become irrational when you are angry, causing your partner to dismiss your concerns? Perhaps you were angry that the house was not cleaned up and you started yelling and threatening to throw everything on the lawn because the house is “always a dump.” If your arguments are said with a lot of hostility, it is likely to decrease the likelihood of being heard.

Do you hurt your partner’s feelings? Do you end up attacking your partner’s character? Perhaps your partner attacks you back. Nothing will get accomplished if you are not able to stay focused on the issue. If you are not able to keep from insulting your partner, it is not going to be effective.

Find ways to calm yourself down if you are angry with your partner. Leave the situation if necessary. Go for a walk, call a friend, or engage in a distracting activity. When you are calmer, you will be more likely to be able to think rationally and to engage in a discussion that will be more useful.