After the Split or Divorce… 

You just split up.  Aside from financial concerns, children, pets, houses, or plants, and who gets the friends, what can you expect?  How should you behave?  What should you do?  Here are some suggestions.

You should expect a certain amount of personal chaos.  You’ve had your life changed and your routines disrupted.  You should expect your moods to go up and down.  You should expect to feel confused and feel yourself in a cloud or blur.  And you should know that you can’t know how soon you’ll settle down.

You might find yourself very speedy.  Others may find it hard to be with you.  Let them tell you that.  Most women seem to handle the splits more emotionally.  Most men try to tough it out.  Emotional is better, so, men, get into your emotions!

Somewhere you need to figure out what happened.  What was your part in it?  How did you choose this person and what kept you in the relationship?  Do you see any ways you can change your patterns so that you don’t make the same mistakes again?

You should go to a therapist to help you figure it out, get support, and feedback.

If you start dating again, you have an ethical obligation to tell your new person that you’ve just split.  The first person or persons you date are your transition person.  That relationship is going to be difficult.  So your future partner should be forewarned.  Expect to mess up.  Ask for feedback from her or him. Also, bring the person with you to therapy.

If the person has children, realize that they’re part of the package.  Give them time to adjust to your presence. Understand the odds are that you will be seen as a parent figure.  Children immediately put you into that role.  And they can get close and/or push you away.  If you start to get serious, bring your children and her/his children to therapy at some point.  They’re going through their adjustments. Good luck!


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