How To Say You’re Sorry When You’ve Hurt Your Spouse 

We often look at marriage problems from the perspective of the aggrieved partner. But what about the partner who has caused the pain? How do they say they are sorry; that the marriage is worth saving; and that they want to save it? Often, the aggrieved partner is feeling hurt, the trust is gone, and the last thing they want is to save the marriage.

This can be a very difficult situation. From the aggrieved partner’s perspective, you have no right to ask forgiveness, or at least, no right to expect forgiveness. Yet that is exactly what you want. It can be very frustrating trying to break down that wall of distrust and, unfortunately, often it is impossible – you have to accept the inevitable, and that is that the marriage is over.

In some cases, you may be able to convince your partner that all isn’t lost, and that you are more than willing to go with them to a marriage counselor to try and heal the rift. If they are willing, you have to follow through. However, a word of warning, your heart really does need to be in it; if not, the chances are that even marriage counseling will fail.

How do you say you’re sorry? Words and actions are the only way. You have to win back that trust, you have to prove to your partner that whatever wrong you did, it was a one off and is not going to repeat itself. If you do repeat that action, then don’t expect a second chance. But then, if you are really serious about saving your marriage, there’s no chance of a repeat, is there?

6 Responses to “How To Say You’re Sorry When You’ve Hurt Your Spouse”

  1. I agree with second chances, but not thirds. But even in the second (or last) chance, trust has to be gained very slowly but surely. It’s something that you have to invest in and it’s scary, but if both parties are committed it’s well worth it.
    Great site!

  2. The hard part is my wife was giving me another chance time and time again, but only inside. She didn’t verbalize. Now we’re separated, in counseling, but she says she’s done with the marriage, and yet I’m doing everything I should have been doing, but I guess too late. We have kids, been together for over a decade. I’m sorry I didn’t get it before but I do now and I just want one more chance, to prove myself so she can fall in love with me all over again, and frankly I with her.

  3. Marriage Counseling Blogger on February 7th, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Dan, I suggest you read the post on how to use dating as therapy. By starting some of that process all over again, you may be able rekindle things.

    Read Dating Can Be An Effective Form Of Therapy

  4. I’ve been married for 27 years. During that time, my husband has hurt me several times. Each time he apologizes and swares to be better. He’s done things in an attempt to better our lives or to find himself. Each time I’ve loved him and forgiven him. About 5 years ago, he made a major life changing decision and did not talk with me about it. he then made some other decisions that I didn’t agree with, but in an attempt to be supportive, I went along and it had many disasterous effects. Our home became a battle ground and my husband changed into someone I did not know. AFter the smoke cleared and we talked (we had been talking during this time, but we could not see eye to eye), he finally saw my point and promised to be better. he was sorry. At this point, I’m not in love any more and i have no confidence or trust in him. I have no desire to be in an intimate relationship with him. I’ve suggested counseling but he does not believe in it. I want to leave and it’s hard. i’ve been in love with him for a long time.

  5. Christine Manning on May 10th, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Out of the blue one day my husband informed me that “I was a lousy wife” no reason given why. I was totally devastated by this. After confronting him why he would say such a thing he said he didn’t remember saying it. I told him how much it hurt me as his wife. He has since died and this stays in mind, still hurting and making me wonder about how he really felt about me.

  6. i fear the worst for my situation… i just can’t multitask between work and wife. I’m in the army and she is deployed and coming back soon and i leave in july. i missed a night of Skype. its never the same thing over and over but its too much over the past 3 yrs. i think I’ve hit my wake up call and am afraid its too late. I’ve asked for forgiveness so many times weather i could help my situation or not the apology is meaningless and i need this woman in my like.

Leave a Reply