The Marriage Counseling Blog

Are you guilty of using your behaviors to try and manipulate your spouse to get your way? Perhaps you’ve given the silent treatment in hopes your partner would change his mind. Or maybe you’ve embellished how bad your cold was so that your spouse would agree not to go on his fishing trip. It is important to examine your motives.

Melissa was angry that Dan was going to visit his family for an entire weekend. She knew she would be lonely without him but didn’t want to go see his family.  She had hoped when she said she wasn’t going to go he would decide to stay home with her. She was hurt when he said he would just make the trip without her. She immediately began to look for reasons why he should not go. She told him that the lawn needed to be mowed, the house needed to be cleaned, and she was overwhelmed with everything and he should stay home to help her “for once.” Instead, of talking to him about feeling hurt and worrying she will be lonely, she resorts to trying to guilt him into staying home. Read the rest of this article »

You go visit your family or friends.  You all start talking about the past or the recent present.  Someone tells you new information about what happened regarding you.  It may be a fact or an insight into who they think you are.  All of a sudden you think you have to reevaluate everything.  You feel your world is turned upside down.  You’re not the person you thought you were. Should you feel freaked out?

Of course, there’s no clear answer to this.  You should take a breath and not immediately decide everything is different or wrong.  So far you’ve lived your life under a certain set of assumptions.  You can hold on a bit further.  Life in many respects is still a choice. Read the rest of this article »

Loyalty in your marriage refers to whether you uphold or damage your spouse’s public image. It is different from being faithful to your spouse, which refers to upholding your vows. Being a loyal spouse means you speak highly of your spouse’s good qualities and your spouse knows you can be counted on to defend his honor.

If you spend any time on Facebook, you’ll see some examples of people who are not loyal to their spouse. Those posts that say something like, “My husband has gone fishing even though it’s my birthday and he doesn’t care I’m spending it alone,” does not show much loyalty. Or the person who posts, “I have to stay home and take care of the kids again because Bob is out drinking,” doesn’t show much loyalty either. Publicly announcing your gripes about your spouse isn’t helpful to the marriage. Read the rest of this article »

Becoming a parent is an incredibly joyous experience. It is also a major transitional period for your relationship. A recent Wall Street Journal article highlights the struggle that many new parents experience.  If you are planning to bring a child into your partnership, it’s important to be aware of the changes that will impact your relationship.  Preparing for these challenges  in advance (before you’re surviving on two hours of sleep) will help to keep your relationship strong:

Sleep deprivation

As referred to above…sleep deprivation makes daily hassles more intense. In our relationships, we feel more emotionally out of control – we are more reactive, e.g. short fuse. This doesn’t mean the relationship is bad – just means you’re tired and going through a tremendous transition.
Read the rest of this article »

After being with your partner for years, there is a certain level of comfort that develops. Although it is great to feel comfortable within the relationship, it can make it difficult to stay emotionally connected. It can take some extra attention to stay emotionally connected as time goes on. Part of staying emotionally connected means you have to find ways to keep the conversation interesting.

It’s likely that early on in the relationship you may have stayed up late, talking about anything and everything, and enjoying one another’s company. Then as years pass, people tend to spend less time just talking. Instead, the stress that comes with everyday life and the responsibilities of paying bills, caring for children, and managing a household can interfere. Read the rest of this article »

Probably everybody is guilty of saying something they didn’t mean at least one time in their life. However, for some people, it becomes a habit. They tend to retaliate, say mean things, and call their spouse names out of anger. This causes damage to the relationship each time it occurs.

When you are angry, do you lash out? Alyson had been married to Jason for four years. He sometimes lashed out at her when he was upset. When she accidentally dropped her cell phone and broke it, he yelled,”How could you be so stupid?” She retaliated by saying, “At least I can fix this. You’re so dumb you wouldn’t know how to put the battery back in.” Their name calling had become a part of their regular routine. Read the rest of this article »

When your partner is angry, how do you respond? Do you feel the need to try and calm your partner down? Do you promise to make things better and attempt to rectify the situation? Or do you become explosively angry back? Or maybe you just step away and both calm down.

When your partner behaves disrespectfully, retaliating will not make the situation any better. Many people though have difficulty not reacting negatively back. If your partner calls you names, brings up something from the past, or begins yelling, what can you do? Read the rest of this article »

You go visit your family or friends.  You all start talking about the past or the recent present.  Someone tells you new information about what happened regarding you.  It may be a fact or an insight into who they think you are.  All of a sudden you think you have to reevaluate everything.  You feel you’re world is turned upside down.  You’re not the person who you thought you were. Should you feel freaked out?

Of course, there’s no clear answer to this.  You should take a breath and not immediately decide everything is different or wrong.  So far you’ve lived your life under a certain set of assumptions.  You can hold on a bit further.  Life in many respects is still a choice.  Read the rest of this article »

Are you guilty of behaving in a passive-aggressive manner in your relationship? When people are passive-aggressive they tend to outwardly appear like they agree or are “going with the flow.” However, they secretly may be very hostile or may try to sabotage the outcome.

Behaving in a passive-aggressive manner does not benefit anyone. It can further damage the relationship. The underlying problem sometimes never gets addressed and no one ends up happy in the end. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes trying something new feels awkward, especially at first. Fear of embarrassing yourself may prevent you from doing something different. No one likes to feel awkward and many people avoid doing anything that would make them feel this way. However, it can be easy to get stuck in a marital rut and without making changes the relationship can grow stale and won’t grow.

Are there things you would like to change but don’t really know how? Perhaps you want to communicate better with your spouse. Maybe you want to share your feelings more often. Or maybe you want to start praising and complimenting your partner frequently or showing more physical affection. Other things people might struggle with include initiating sex, expressing anger, engaging with your spouse’s friends and family, and discussing difficult topics.  All of these things are important for a marriage but can feel awkward at first if you haven’t been doing them. Read the rest of this article »

We all love our pets.  We would do anything for them. They are our companions and love objects.  We often give them the care we should give ourselves.  Yet we might be giving them too much attention and they may be running our lives too much. A few examples should help clarify the situation.

The first is in the area of expense.   Can you afford your pet, especially as s/he ages?  Will your income cover medical expenses?  Can you afford insurance for your pet?  Will you be able to make, and also live with, a decision to put your pet down?  Do you keep wanting to go through heroic efforts to save your pet? Read the rest of this article »

Are you able to ask for what you want from your partner? Many people have difficulty asking for what they want or need from their partner. It is important to look at the underlying reasons that cause you to have difficulty asking for what you want.

Do you think you shouldn’t have to ask? Do you think if your partner really knew you or loved you, he would just know without you having to say it? Think about how realistic it is that your partner can know what you want all the time. Your spouse can’t read your mind and has no idea what you are looking for unless you make it known by asking. Read the rest of this article »

In today’s age, many couples have two-income families. Juggling two careers along with kids and household responsibilities can be difficult. Some people even experience extra stressors such as having to care for elderly parents an can add even more difficulty to juggling responsibilities.

So how do you juggle everything? One important factor is to not expect perfection. It is impossible to be the perfect partner, the best employee, and parent of the year. Recognize that when you are juggling many responsibilities, some things may not get done in the way you would like them to (or even get done at all). Read the rest of this article »

My previous two posts said that you shouldn’t wait to see a therapist if you’re having problems and if you and your partner are having problems.  I strongly said that you don’t want the situation to get worse and create new problems. I want to talk about the kids now. (And, by the way, don’t forget about the pets!—They’re sensitive, too.)  Think about the kids first.  Always.  Here’s some ideas.

Whatever happens to you will always affect your children.  Children are acutely sensitive to your moods and stresses.  S/he is always trying to read you and cope with you while, at the same time, attempting to grow up.  You want to minimize those stresses as much as possible.  Yes, life is real and it brings in challenges and crises, but it’s better that you deal with them, rather than having your child deal with them. Read the rest of this article »

I wrote in an earlier post that it’s better not to wait when something is going wrong in your life and/or your relationship.  I suggested that you see a therapist to help you sort things out.  Now I’m suggesting you bring your partner into joint therapy and suggest your partner go to her/his own therapy as well.  Here’s why…

Anything that happens to you affects your partner.  Your partner may not know what exactly is going on, but s/he may feel something.  S/he may become unhappy, depressed, reactive, angry, irritable, and/or scared. Read the rest of this article »

A possible new client called me recently.  She desperately needed to see someone.  In between sobbing, she said she should have seen someone six months ago.  When I saw her, I agreed.  Here’s why, and why you shouldn’t wait.

If you have a serious problem and you’re not able to handle it, you need help.  Family and friends are not always the best advisors, although they may be great for support.  They may not always be the best resources for you. Read the rest of this article »

When people feel angry, they have to decide whether or not to express their anger to their partner immediately. Some people decide to hold in their angry feelings as long as they can, but then it explodes. Other people immediately let their anger be known. It is important to be able to communicate with your partner about your angry feelings, however, it only makes sense to do so when you can communicate your feelings effectively.

Sometimes it makes sense to wait before expressing your anger. The more angry you feel, the less likely you will be able to express yourself effectively. So determining when you are too angry to talk to your partner is an important skill. When you are very angry, it makes sense to give yourself time to calm down before expressing your anger to your spouse. Read the rest of this article »

Where in the list of your life’s priorities is your relationship? It is often an interesting exercise for couples to separately create their list of their top five priorities. Then compare to see where they differ on priorities and which priorities are the same.

Where does your job come in on the list of life’s priorities? For some people, a job is low on the list and might be below marriage, family, and friends. For others, their job might come first. Even a person who is very dedicated to their relationship may feel that the job needs to come first as without an income source there would be no way to take care of the family. Read the rest of this article »

What if everyone woke up everyday and asked themselves, “What’s one thing I can do today to improve my marriage?” The divorce rate would likely be lower and people would probably report higher rates of satisfaction in their relationships. Unfortunately, most people don’t focus on finding one thing they can do to improve their relationship. Instead, many people focus on what isn’t working in the relationship or on what they aren’t getting from the marriage.

What is something a person could do today that might improve their marriage? Maybe it is as simple as acknowledging your partner’s hard work. How often do you tell your spouse, “Thank you for going to work each day to provide for our family,” or “Thank you for doing such a great job taking care of the kids.” Showing appreciation for everyday tasks such as doing the  laundry, mowing the lawn, cooking dinner, or tucking the kids in can go a long way. Read the rest of this article »

You have just welcomed this beautiful new baby into your life and look forward to its growing up with you. As s/he starts to develop, you’re puzzled by her/his behavior and, sometimes, by the way s/he looks.  You see yourself as a modern parent who believes all children are born innocent.  What should you do?

Your first response is to continue to love your child!  Always love your child,, no matter what.  Children need love in order to develop as loving, caring adults. Your second response should be not to freak out.  The research shows that there is a wide range of human sexuality and human physiology.  Similarly, the research has shown that there are diverse ways in which every society treats these variations.  In the 19^th century in parts of the Western world, pink was the boys’ color and blue was the girls’. Times and people and customs change. Read the rest of this article »