The Marriage Counseling Blog

When people having difficulty managing the stress in their lives, it can lead to relationship problems. If someone is stressed about work, extended family, or financial problems, it will impact their relationship if they do not learn ways to manage the stress. When people feel they are under a lot of stress, it impacts them physically and emotionally. A variety of health issues can result from stress. People experience headaches, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers and a reduced immunity to various health conditions. Stress causes people to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and depressed.

Everyone has stress in their lives. Learning healthy coping skills allows some people to handle stress much better than others. Eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting plenty of sleep can help reduce stress. Other stress reduction skills include learning meditation or yoga, spending time with friends and family, and participitating in leisure time activities. Read the rest of this article »

Sugar and spice and all that’s nice. That’s what little girls are made of.

Father daughter relationships are complicated. One minute they are your little girl in pigtails, following you everywhere. You’re the only man in their lives. Then one day she grows up. She spends more time with her friends, starts wearing makeup, and GASP–she goes on her first date. Suddenly you feel left behind and shut out.

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Many conflicts and disagreements result from people assuming they know what their partner is thinking. These assumptions can lead to a variety of feelings such as anger, hurt and disappointment. Many times, the person has misread what his partner’s thoughts truly are. Avoid miscommunications by talking openly and asking questions.

It is fairly common for people to guess what their partner’s body language means. However, guesses are often inaccurate. Picture a husband and wife talking about their day. She explains to him a situation where she went to talk to her boss about some difficulties she was experiencing and she states that her boss yelled at her. While she is telling her husband this story, he makes a facial gesture that she assumes is because he is disappointed in her actions. She thinks to herself, “he hates it when I speak up because he thinks I am rude.” She stops the story short and goes into a different room. In reality, he made the face because he was concerned that her boss yelled at her. He then assumes she left the room because she needed some quiet time after her bad day. Read the rest of this article »

Remember when you came home from work, microwaved a frozen meal for dinner, poured yourself a glass of wine, and spent the rest of the night on the couch watching TV? Like most parents, those days are long gone. Now, after a long day at work, you’re bombarded with attention-starved kids, a spouse who wants dinner, and a house that’s a mess.

How can you keep cool and stay positive in the midst of chaos?

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Is alcohol an upper? Yes.  Is alcohol a downer?  Yes. Can it be an upper and a downer at the same time?  Yes.  Should you worry about that?  You bet!

Alcohol is a very powerful drug.  We tend to minimize that and make excuses for it because, like cigarettes, it’s perfectly legal.  Most of the time we drink with others, so that makes it okay, doesn’t it? Read the rest of this article »

Do you ever wonder why it sometimes feels so hard to “stop and smell the roses” on the pathway of life?  People often find themselves wishing for the next chapter in life to begin, without taking time to savor what they DO have, and what is currently going on. For example, many people often tell themselves, that life will be better when “I have more free time,” “We have more money,” or even “when our children grow up and move out.” Rarely do we take the time to look at what is currently going on and appreciate it. Instead of spending time focusing on what we DON’T have and what we wish for, it’s time to focus on what we DO have, and to be grateful for today. This can help us better appreciate our spouses and ourselves. Here are some tips to help you accomplish just that:
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When a couple experiences grief, it can make them stronger as an individual and as a couple. Much of the time, however, grief creates a divide between two people if they are not careful about working on their relationship throughout the grieving process. Grief results from losses, such as loss of a job, all the children moving out of the home, and most often from a death in the family.

When both partners experience grief it can be very difficult. The loss of a parent or a sibling creates much sorrow. The loss of a child can cause a lot of despair. Sometimes it can be helpful to work through grief while having a partner who is experiencing similar issues because they can help each other. Ultimately though, grief is an individual experience. Each person must move through the stages of grief as an individual. This can create some conflict when one person moves faster than the other. The partner who feels like they have moved along in the process faster might be frustrated at the other person’s lack of progress. The other person might feel exasperated that their partner has moved too quickly and didn’t grieve long enough.  Read the rest of this article »

Ever wonder what makes a “happy” family? Or, what your family could do differently? Do you feel like your family is missing out on something better? The following is a list of “rules” that I give to families who are looking to strengthen their relationships and create a more peaceful and loving home:

1. Have family dinner most nights. Dinner time is a time for the family to come together at the end of the day and share with each other. It is a time when you can discuss the highlights and low lights of the day, find out what is going on in your kid’s little world, and the latest news from your spouse. Granted, sometimes various commitments may make seven dinners together a week hard to accomplish, but the goal is to have family dinner at least 4-5 nights a week.

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Arguing is normal between couples.  The important thing to remember about disagreements is to control your behavior during a conflict. Ask yourself about what sorts of behaviors you exhibit when you and your partner disagree and determine how this impacts the relationship. Talk to your partner and try to establish some ground rules about conflict. Discuss behaviors you have noticed from your partner that do not help the relationship as well.  There are some particular behaviors that damage the relationship instead of promoting positive conflict resolution.

Belittling your partner is not helpful. This occurs when one partner tries to discount the other partner’s feelings or needs and tries to make light of them. Comments such as, “your family’s conversations always revolve the same ridiculous stories that have no point,” devalue the other person’s family. Other comments might be about the other partner’s job such as “at least I have a real job and a real reason to be tired at the end of the day, unlike what you do.” Such comments are aimed at making the other person’s needs seem less significant. If you or your partner make belittling comments to one another, make the decision to stop doing so and try to value their needs. Read the rest of this article »

Exercise is proven to be essential to a healthy lifestyle.  Exercise makes you feel better about yourself, increasing your self esteem and decreasing depression, anxiety, and stress. Not surprisingly, it can also improve your romantic relationships.  Getting fit alongside your partner can lead to improved quality time together, more fun in the relationship, a deeper bond, and better sex with your partner. Even if you are at different fitness levels and have different fitness goals, there are plenty of activities you can do together, and any amount of physical activity is beneficial. Here are some easy ways to incorporate exercise into your weekly routine with your partner (all of these ideas are meant for couples):

• Take a walk around the neighborhood

• Go to a local park and walk for a bit, then sit down and have a picnic

• Ride bikes

• Workout at the gym

• Take a yoga, spinning,  Pilates, or aerobics class

• Go swimming or enjoy other outdoor activities

No matter which activity you choose, remember to relax and have fun!

So you’re contemplating being together with this wonderful person.

She or he is everything you’ve ever wanted.  You have compatible tastes and enjoy each other’s company.  You click. And then somehow religion comes up.  You’re X and s/he is Y, or no religion at all.  You start discussing it and you find out either she or he feels strongly about it or doesn’t.  And you’re the opposite. So, what should you do? Read the rest of this article »

Just like we often teach children to take a time out to calm down, adults can benefit from taking a time out when they feel angry. Time outs can prevent arguments from escalating to the point where people say and do things they don’t mean. Time outs can stop the disagreement before things become abusive and stops people from trying to get even.

When two people are very angry, it is not a good time to try to resolve a conflict. Effective problem-solving cannot take place when people have a lot of emotions. It is difficult to think logically and rationally when feeling very emotional. It is important when either or both partners are feeling very emotional to stop trying to continue a discussion or resolve the conflict. A time out can help both people calm down and think more rationally about a solution. Read the rest of this article »

We Americans don’t often talk about class.  We prefer to think of ourselves as middle class or just simply free agents, choosing whatever we want to be and do.  Nevertheless, class is important in terms of all the choices we make or are made for us. As for relationships, class differences can create conflicts that seem personal and yet can grow to create terrible situations.

Sometimes these class differences are obvious.  They may show up in the kind of house we can afford to live in and how we decorate it.  We may want to be rural, urban, or suburban.  But does that mean we want subdued furnishings, subdued colors, or subdued clothes?  Does it mean we want flash or bling or loud in any of those areas?  What combinations do we want and in what areas?
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We have two ears and only one mouth, however, most people tend to talk more than they listen. Listening to your partner is very important. Improving listening skills can help a variety of marital issues.  Many arguments are due to communication problems where people do not hear what their partner is saying or they misunderstand what their partner said. Jumping to a conclusion and responding without really hearing your partner creates discord.

When listening to your partner, provide undivided attention. Stop texting, turn off the television, and stop working on the computer. Look at your partner while he is talking and make eye contact to show you are interested.

When your partner tells you something, instead of immediately responding, try reflecting back to what you have heard.  This ensures that you have really heard what they said and gives them an opportunity to explain what they really mean. For example, if your partner says, “I don’t want to go to the your mother’s house,” you might assume she means she dislikes spending time with your family. If you investigate further, you might learn she does not feel well.

Clarify what your partner means before jumping to action. If your partner says, “There are a lot of dishes in the sink.” That might mean she wants you to do them.  It might not. Ask if she wants you to do them. She might just be stating the fact that there’s a lot of dishes but she plans to do them later and hopes you will help out with doing the laundry.  Ask questions to ensure you have the correct information before assuming you know what to do.

When your partner has a problem, help them talk through it without immediately offering a solution. Ask him what he is thinking might be a good solution. Reflect back to what you thought you heard him say. Brainstorm together and try to develop a plan that you both agree with without just jumping into action.

Ask questions about your partner’s life. Ask her about their day and how she is doing. Ask follow-up questions when he gives you information. Listening to your partner helps you to understand her feelings, her thoughts, and the reasons behind some of her behaviors. Becoming a better listener will make you a better partner.

If you and your partner have agreed to seek marriage counseling, congratulate yourselves on your willingness to try and make changes. There are some things that couples can do to prepare for their first marriage counseling session. Prior to the first session, both partners should spend some time working individually and, if possible, spend some time in discussion together.

Create a list of the strengths and weaknesses within the marriage. Try to honestly evaluate some of your individual strengths and weaknesses in what you bring to the relationship as well. Then try to list what you think your partner’s strengths and weaknesses are. Read the rest of this article »

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder develops in some people who have been traumatized. Trauma may include experiencing a near death situation, such as being in war or involved in a serious car accident, or it may include witnessing a traumatic event, such as seeing a horrible accident.  Abuse can cause PTSD as well.  People who endured physical or sexual abuse during childhood can develop PTSD.  Not all people who experience trauma develop PTSD. PTSD impacts people in many ways and often their relationships are impacted by their past trauma.

Past trauma causes a variety of symptoms for people. People who have experienced trauma sometimes struggle to manage anger and impulses. PTSD causes people to feel numb sometimes, which can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy. Sometimes trauma survivors become dependent on others. PTSD often causes people to feel anxious and irritable. People with a trauma history tend to be jumpy and feel like they are on guard much of the time. Read the rest of this article »

1 out of 3 people have insomnia at some point in their lives, and out of those, 60% have a chronic condition. That’s a lot of people not sleeping!

Many of us (including myself) have suffered bouts of insomnia here and there, but imagine that you have not gotten more than three hours of sleep a night for the last year. Or even two years. How do you think that would effect you?

The effects of insomnia are vast, including depression, irritability, stress, and it can even trigger substance abuse. Lack of adequate sleep can also suppress your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. You’ll begin to think less clearly and lose concentration, which can impact your work performance. In addition, chronic or acute insomnia can affect your personal relationships. Read the rest of this article »

In many relationships, one partner focuses on trying to “fix” the other. They put a lot of focus and energy into trying to get their partner to change. This can lead to both partners feeling angry, frustrated, and resentful.

Perhaps you like to arrive early and your partner is always late. Or maybe you like to do the dishes immediately after dinner and your partner doesn’t mind leaving them until tomorrow.  Or maybe you meticulously count your pennies and your partner likes to buy lunch for their co-workers without batting an eyelash. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples report feeling bored in their relationship.  Some couples report losing the “spark” they once experienced. Couples often struggle in dealing with the stress of jobs, children, bills, lack of time, loss of energy that can drain the relationship of passion. To address this issue, couples need to evaluate themselves as individuals as well as the relationship.

Remember the hopes and dreams that you used to have? Determine if you still have any of those same ones. Often, the daily grind of work and other duties leaves people with little time or energy to pursue their dreams. Evaluate whether the goals you used to have still make sense and are worth pursuing. If so, evaluate what steps you would need to take to work toward your goals again. If not, develop some new goals. Evaluate the goals you have for yourself individually as well as the goals you share as a couple. Read the rest of this article »

This posting is a beginning discussion of differences people might bring into their relationships.  Other postings will address class, education, religious, and geographic differences.  There are some common ways to address these differences, and some require special handling.  You should have your therapist help you sort out how best to proceed.

The saying goes, “Loves Conquers All.”  Maybe.  Cultural differences can be sharp and fraught with conflict.  They can extend to all areas of a relationship.  These differences may say that each partner should do this or that.  In heterosexual relationships, a person’s culture might say that women should do this and men that.  Most often, it means that men should run things and women follow along; men should be the primary breadwinner (even in these days!) and women shouldn’t work or work for household money only. Read the rest of this article »