The Marriage Counseling Blog

Sitcoms have made fun of these situations for years – yet for families, the effect of an older relative moving in can be a real test of marriage. Older relatives, normally one of your parents, often come to stay because they are having difficulties caring for themselves. The early days can be particularly stressful as a new routine is often needed to handle the situation.

There are a number of issues that need to be understood in this situation. First, everyone should understand what is happening to their elderly relative. While they may not be in a position to look after themselves, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to. They will be quite frustrated initially, always wanting to help and often in denial when it comes to their abilities. For some, the reversal of roles can be difficult to come to terms with. For decades, they were your caregiver so to have that reversed can be belittling in their eyes.

For the household, a child often has to give up their room. Sometimes, this can be achieved with the youngster pleased that grandma or grandpa are sleeping in their bedroom. Teens, on the other hand, may well resent the situations, especially when forced to share a room with a sibling.

Counseling can help families get through these initial stages. However, the most important thing a family can do is to discuss the impending arrival and to put in place plans that will help to make the transition a smooth one. Too often, couples agree to take an older family member in, but then fail to plan for the changes that this move will bring. Older relatives can be a real strain on marriages – however, they don’t need to be.

When planning, don’t forget to include dispute resolution processes, and time out periods where you can both be alone for a couple of hours on a regular basis. A little planning will make life far easier for everyone, your elderly relative included.

Conflict is all around us all the time. No marriage is devoid of conflict, although some marriages seem to have more conflict situations than others. If conflict is getting out of hand, there are several things you can do to calm those waters. As a couple, it’s often a good idea to discuss these and agree to use them if things are getting out of hand. Here are five actions that you can use today.

• Breathing – This has been around for years so you probably know the routine: Three deep breaths, in through the nose, and slowly out through the mouth. Go to a window and watch the outside world while you’re doing it – very calming.
• Water – Slowly drink a glass of cold water – the smart way is for both you and your partner to drink a glass of water one at a time. By they time you are both finished you will have forgotten most of the conflict.
• Exercise – Go for a run. Get rid of any frustrations by running or some other form of exercise.
• Shower – Take a short shower. A shower gives you time alone to contemplate. Whatever you do, don’t stew over the problem while in the shower. Use the time for constructive thought – or no thought at all.
• Tantrum – Yes, tantrum – pretend you’re a two year old, stamp your feet, shake your head and hands, and scream and shout. Don’t let the neighbors see you; they may have you committed. Don’t let your two year old see you; they’ll tell you your doing wrong. Do it with your partner – guaranteed, you’ll both be laughing on the floor afterwards – all tension gone.

Five simple activities, yet in any relationship where conflict is brewing they can work wonders to steady everyone down. Be sure to do one of those with your partner, you will find it difficult to pick up the argument and get it going again; instead, you can sensibly talk through the issues. Self help often works. Give those techniques a try sometime.

You’ve decorated the nursery, picked out a name, and are headed home from the hospital. You’re parents. Life will never be the same, and though the addition of a newborn is exciting and full of joy, it can also be overwhelming and downright stressful (trust me–I have a 7 month old)! How do you keep your relationship strong while dealing with poopy diapers, middle of the night feedings, and overbearing in laws?

1. Have a good support system. Whether your support is your partner, a family member, or a friend, it is essential to have help. Having a shoulder to cry on (and yes, the “baby blues” DO happen!), someone to make dinner, or just someone to watch the baby so you can take a shower, can go a long way for your mood.

2. Ask for help. Your friends and family WANT to help-they just might not know where to start or what to do. They can’t read your mind so you will need to be upfront–and that’s okay!

3. Have some alone time. I can’t stress this enough. Some new parents might feel that they need to be with their baby 100% of the time. While I am not disregarding that belief, I am saying that it is healthy to want some “me time”. A 15 minute shower, a walk around the block, or just some quiet time to paint your nails may be all it takes to reset your battery. You need that time, and your baby will thank you-you will be less stressed and well rested.

4. Have date nights. This is another biggie that marriage counselors often recommend. My husband and I try to go at least twice a month, starting from the time the baby was about six weeks old (and yes, we called to check in on her every hour). The one on one adult interaction, and making sure to limit how much you gush over the baby, is imperative to keeping your relationship strong.

5. Affection and acknowledgment. Hugs, kisses, “I love you”s, and “thank you”s will go a very long way with both partners. Affection releases endorphins which raise our mood, and hearing those simple words from one another just makes you feel good.

Finally, if you feel like the addition of your newborn is just too much to handle on your own, or those “baby blues” just aren’t going away after a few weeks, make sure to reach out to a local therapist who can help.

Research shows that the probability of someone having an affair in a relationship is very high (between 40 and 76 percent in one study). With almost half of all relationships involving infidelity, you may be wondering what  to do after such an incidence occurs.

First, you have to decide if you are going to tell your partner. If you are, then do it—soon. Coming clean with your infidelity is the starting place for healing.

Next, you and your partner will need to decide if you want to work things out. Often, couples will split up after an affair, but sometimes partners are willing to sort things out. This is where couples counseling can be highly beneficial. With the help of a trained couples counselor, you can get to the bottom of WHY the affair took place to begin with, figure out where your relationship may be headed, and plan for the future.

Third, you and your partner will need to work on the underlying causes of the affair. If there is a lack of communication (which there often is in these cases), you will want to increase the quality of your communication skills with one another. Furthermore, you may need to step up the romance—plan more dates, spend more alone time together, etc. If there are deeper emotional issues, individual therapy for one or both of you may help.

Finally, if there are children involved, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, put them in the middle. If at all possible, limit your conversations regarding your relationship and infidelity to times when the children are asleep, or better yet, outside of the house altogether. Children are keen observers—they can pick up on even the slightest amount of tension, and unlike adults, do not always have the words needed to describe their feelings (which often includes blame, guilt, shame, embarrassment and/or grief). I am not saying that you should portray a phony self—they will be able to sense that as well. What I AM saying is: do not bash your partner to your kids, do not fight in front of them, and do not use them as pawns.

Infidelity is an emotional roller coaster for all involved. If you find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to do, consult a therapist who can help you figure things out.

For some people, work is their life. For others, work is just a necessarily evil, undertaken so they can pay their mortgage and put food on the table. In some cases, the culture of their workplace can have a serious impact on their home life, particularly their marriage.

A hundred years ago, things were different. Men went to work, often for 12-14 hours a day, rarely seeing their wives let alone their children – and that was just to make ends meet. Today, we have much more organized work places and the expectation for many is that mom and dad are there for breakfast, and again for the evening meal. Of course, in today’s world, both mom and dad probably work.

Workplace culture does strange things to people. If staying back a little later a couple of times a week is the norm, we all do it, no matter how much we dislike our job. Workplace culture goes beyond that. There are some work places where relationships between employees are quite relaxed. You may say too relaxed. This leads to a wide range of issues, almost all of them having a negative effect on marriages.

While both of those cultures – that is, extended work hours (generally unpaid) and employee relationships – are completely different, they do impact heavily on a marriage. For those affected, the time will come when you will need to make a decision. Which is more important, your family and marriage or your workplace?

Dealing with a workplace culture that is affecting your marriage can be difficult. Marriage counselors have this to be a common problem amongst couples and can very effectively help those affected deal with them. Your company’s culture should never impact upon your family life. If it does, and you can’t see a way clear, then talk to a marriage counselor – they can provide you both with tools that will enable you to break free of some of those cultural expectation.

You may wonder how pre-marriage counseling can save a marriage if the couple are not yet married – but it does. Statistics show that where couples have engaged in pre-marriage counseling, their failure rates are almost half the national average. That’s a huge drop in failure rates, but then, if you consider some of the issues that are addressed in pre-marriage counseling, you’ll see why success rates are so high.

One of the first things a marriage counselor will do with a couple considering marriage is to discuss their long-term goals, their plans for the future. This helps a couple concentrate on the future, and hopefully triggers some serious thinking. Young couples, in particular, tend to have a heads-in-the-clouds approach to marriage and the future – after all, they’re in love.

When considering the future, couples need to understand that their will be differences. They will suddenly come across habits their partner engages in that they simply don’t like. Being able to work out how to deal with these differences before you get married removes one of the biggest communication blockages for newlyweds – the fear of offending their partner.

Pre-marriage counseling therefore helps couples to come to a unified decision when it comes to long-range goals, helps to open communication channels for honest discussions of all issues, and provides the couple with conflict resolution skills for when differences emerge – and they will.

There are some states that encourage pre-marriage counseling, and some religions offer it as part of a marriage ceremony package. If you’re about to get married – start your marriage off on the right foot by undertaking pre-marriage counseling – you won’t regret it in the long run.

There are three phases to starting counseling – deciding you need family counseling, finding a family counselor, and making it to the first session. Each phase has hurdles that need to be crossed, and each phase offers opportunities for families to back out. Finding a family counselor is perhaps one of the easiest phases, yet it is often the number one excuse why a family didn’t undertake counseling.

“We couldn’t find a suitable family counselor” is a common statement. It shouldn’t be. A telephone book is a great start. If you’re reading this post, then you have Internet access – a Google search will unearth hundreds of pages of suitable counselors.

An even easier approach is The Family and Marriage Counseling Directory. You can enter your state or territory and you will be presented with a list of qualified therapists in your state or territory. However, I do agree that this doesn’t mean you have found a ‘suitable’ therapist – nevertheless, it is a great place to start.

Once you have a list, the best thing you can do is either call them and talk to them, or if it’s convenient, drop in and see them. You will get a good feel for the place if you visit them in person. If the counselor is available, you should be able to have a short chat with them – this can also help. If you hit it off, you can then arrange an appointment for an initial session. This session may well be without any children so that you can discuss the problems. You will again be in a position to assess whether or not this therapist is suitable for your family. There’s no excuse now to say you can’t find a suitable marriage counselor.

Many people confuse ‘loving’ someone with being ‘in love’. I know that many would claim that they are the same thing. In reality, they are not. You love your parents, your children, and your pet dog, for example – but you’re not ‘in love’ with them. Counselors will often describe being in love as being in lust.

Although we consider lust to have a sexual definition, you can also define it as an intense longing – in this case, an intense longing for a particular person’s company, affection, time and, yes, intimacy as well. As we age, that lust component wanes a little. That doesn’t mean we are no longer in love. In fact, as lust wanes, our loving and caring nature towards that person grows stronger.

A mistake that some couples make is that they want to recapture that ‘in love’ era of their relationship. While it can be done, if you understand the difference between the two, you can concentrate on some of the more important aspects of your relationship. For example, when you say you want to recapture that ‘in love’ period, exactly what do you want to recapture? Is is the sexual side? Fine, that can be worked on, just don’t confuse it with love – you can have an intense sexual relationship without being ‘in love’.

If you are trying to recapture some of the romantic parts of your early relationship, working with a marriage counselor can do that too. Believe me, the maturer side of romance is far more interesting than that experienced in your earlier days.

Rather than focusing on a state of mind called being ‘in love’, focus on what is now important in your relationship – separate the issues, and work on them one by one. Your marriage will be stronger and a lot more enjoyable – and you will still love each other – more and more as each day passes.

Successful marriages don’t happen by accident. But how much work do these couples put into making their marriages successful? The easiest way to find out is to read their stories, perhaps ask them a question or two. But here’s the rub – can they teach you anything?

The science of counseling has developed over the years through one vital component – research. And what do they research? Marriages, relationships, families, and friendships. Researchers look at successful marriages, for example, in an effort to find common threads that exist. They also look at failed marriages to see what threads are common there.

Just as importantly, researchers compare the two groups. They look to see if any of the common threads in successful marriages exist in failed marriages; and whether any of the common threads in failed marriages exist in successful marriages. By analyzing the results of these studies, counselors can come up with theories as to what helps to make a marriage successful, and what may work to destroy a marriage.

If this research helps the counseling profession, then it can certainly help you. Instead of doing research, you are hearing from successful couples about their marriages. What has worked for them, what hasn’t worked, how they handled disputes, what sort of philosophies they based their relationship on. By talking to them, you can gain a real insight into what works in many relationships.

Sometimes, it only takes a small tip from another couple to transform a relationship from barely surviving to successful. There are no guarantees, of course, but unless you talk about marriage to other couples, you’ll never know.

We live in an age of self-help. The Internet has seen an explosion of self-help books, DVDs and even online guides. We can’t just blame the Internet. Self-help books (real books) were being printed many years before the Internet arrived, and some of those were very good.

There is a common thread that runs through all the counseling, even self-help, and that thread is communications. One of the first skills a counselor learns is listening – empathetic listening. This a skill that couples need to learn early on if they hope for any form of counseling to work. Self-help relies a couple being able to listen to what their partner has to say, and to listen with empathy.

When a couple first starts counseling, the first thing that to comes to the surface is that lack of listening. I’ll go a step further: Often they don’t want to listen; they would rather hear their own voices. Counselors really do act as referees early on, trying to get one partner to remain silent so the other partner can have their say.

How much empathy do you have when your partner is trying to voice their opinion? Do you constantly butt in and not allow them to have their say? While listening is an important skill to learn, the very first skill to learn is how to listen – that is, how to listen without interrupting your partner.

Self-help can be easy, or it can be hard – it is really up to you. Being positive, committed and ready to make changes are attitudes you need to bring to any self-help session. Are you committed to making change if you need to?

Visiting a marriage counselor is a serious action to take. If your marriage is in trouble, then marriage counseling is most likely your last option – if counseling fails to find a way through, then your marriage is most likely going to come to an end. If you are not having success with your counselor, you need to look at a number of issues.

The first reaction many people have is that counseling is useless and that the counselor is also useless. There are two components to counseling, and for it to be successful they must both be present. The first is the commitment from the couple. All too often we hear of couples complaining about counseling when the real problem has been a lack of commitment from them.

For any type of counseling to be effective, couples must be totally committed to wanting their relationship to work and to wanting to resolve the issues. If one or both are really only paying lip service to their counseling sessions, then there is no way they are going to find success.

The second half of the equation does indeed revolve around the counselor. However, it’s not their competence that is at issue. It is whether or not everyone feels comfortable in the environment, and with each other. Sometimes the male feels uncomfortable with another male as a counselor, or vice-versa; and the same can be said of women. There are times when counselors will organize a co-counseling session – the male with a male counselor that he can relate to and the female with a female counselor that she can relate to. The two counselors then work together to resolve issues, bringing the couple together when required and working with them individually when required.

If counseling is not working, then your first step is to tell your counselor. Sit down with them to determine why you are not getting anywhere, and what barriers you are finding. Your counselor may recommend visiting another counselor; they may recommend co-counseling; or they may suggest that each of you review your commitment before continuing. Whatever you do, discuss these issues with your counselor.

Those who work in situations involving customer contact are often advised to leave their family problems at home. Just for a change, let’s reverse that. Why not leave your work or social frustrations at the front door when you arrive at home. Don’t worry, they’ll be there waiting for you when you leave in the morning.

Bringing work related problems home is one of the biggest complaints that spouses make against their partners. It’s all too easy, at the end of the day when you’re most likely tired, to just bowl in the front door bringing all that stress with you. It’s not fair to your spouse, it’s not fair to your children, and it’s not fair to you.

Many people just don’t seem to know how to switch off when they get home. Others seems to take it all in stride. One simple technique, if you have the inclination to follow it at the end of the day, is to stop at the front door, take three long deep breaths all the while telling yourself, “My work problems belong at work, it’s time to relax with the family.” You’ll be surprised how often a simple trick like that works.

If you can’t switch off, then for the good of everyone, seek out counseling. Stress and anxiety are the biggest issues so seek out stress and anxiety therapy that teaches you how to deal with these issues. Couples counseling can also be a good idea as it provides your spouse with several tools designed to help you switch off. Ultimately, it’s up to you – can you learn to switch off at the end of a hectic day?

When a long term relationship comes to an end, there are bound to be long-lasting effects for everyone. Some people can handle these situations well while others really struggle to control their emotions. Even if the signs were there for a long time, the actual separation still comes as a bit of a shock to the system.

Suddenly, the person you relied on for certain tasks is no longer there. The bedroom can feel lonely at night, and if children are involved, once they are in bed for the night, you can feel very much alone, and lonely. Separations always affect children as well. They can have disturbed nights, be restless, perhaps even act up. It can also affect their performance at school.

Separation is a difficult process to go through so it is advisable to seek out family counseling at this time. If you are having difficulties with the children adjusting, then it is important for them receive counseling to help them understand the events occurring around them. It also important that you maintain as much of the former routine as possible, filling in areas that your former partner took care of.

Many experts classify separation as a form of grieving – and to a certain extent, for children, that is exactly what it is. For an adult, it can be a little different. You have had some control over the termination of the relationship, perhaps even instigating it. Some emotions you may need to address include guilt – especially if the children are having difficulties. Seek out family counseling. A counselor can help to restore some balance to everyone’s emotions, and to provide tools that will help you get through the initial stages.

Here is a question for all married people – do you still have fun in your marriage? It’s a simple question, but perhaps I’ll make it a little harder – when was the last time you had fun in your marriage? And by the way, I don’t mean sex.

By fun, I mean a good laugh – perhaps a water fight, a food fight, a pillow fight, or a tickle war. These events can be such mood breakers and can really liven up a dull day – they also bring a smile to both of your faces for days to come. Of course, all of these need limits, otherwise they get out of hand and no longer become fun, or someone gets hurt.

Fun can also be a run in the park with the kids, a visit to a family theme park, or just sitting down in front of a really funny video. To be really effective, these fun times need to be regular, spontaneous, and definitely not scheduled. Fun breaks can last a couple of minutes to a couple of hours – the effects over time can be just what a marriage needs to get it back on track.

Having fun, laughing, and generally enjoying yourself releases endorphins and other chemicals into the body. These are positive chemicals – you’ll know when your body has released them because you’ll feel light hearted and relaxed for several hours after the event. And that’s the whole idea – to relax, to shake off any worries you have, and too forget the big bad world for five minutes – or even longer.

There is one thing that I always notice when people, especially families, have a lot of fun together – firstly, they are together, and that can be special. Secondly, these families always seem to hug a lot – and that can be a very special moment for families. So go ahead, take a few minutes out of your day to have some fun – it’s definitely allowed.

As a footnote to those who like to live a healthy lifestyle, medical research shows that people who laugh and have fun every day live a little longer than people who don’t – even more reason to relax and have fun.

Whether you are in a new relationship or a long-term relationship (especially marriage), being able to say no without guilt is important to your own well being as well as the well being of your relationship. In the past, it was not acceptable for a wife to say no. Over the years, things have changed, and spouses, especially wives, can freely be expected to voice their opinions when they feel the need – this includes saying no.

So how can one achieve that, especially without the feelings of guilt? When we talk about saying no, most people immediately think of sex. But saying no is an everyday part of life. Whether it’s going out, staying in, watching a program on TV, having more children – you name a situation and there will be a possibility of no. The following suggestions take account of a wide variety of situations.

Highlight the negatives of a yes – if you can highlight that saying yes could be a problem, then you may even see your partner saying no before you do. Example: your partner wants to go out for dinner and money is tight – suggest that dinner out may postpone your mortgage payment and affect your credit score.

Highlight the positives of a no – same situation, different approach; suggest that a home cooked meal is already planned and it’s one of their favorites.

Use delaying tactics – same situation as above; suggest that tonight is a not a good night, but you’re willing to consider it tomorrow.

Propose an alternative – in this case, an alternative may be to take out or a movie and something light.

Have rules in place – one of the most effective ways of controlling the nos is to have a set of rules in place. Using the first example, you may agree on a rule that says “no dining out until the monthly mortgage payment has been made.”

Be honest – this is the hardest, but in a good relationship it should be the easiest. Just saying “no, we can’t afford it today” should suffice. In relationships that are not so secure, the previous tips could be useful.

Marriage counselors come across this problem all the time. Creating an open communication channel between you will resolve this problem easily and quickly since you are able to use the ‘be honest’ tip from above. No one should ever feel a need to be guilty over saying no – after all, it is our right.

“I give my partner a compliment and they brush it aside.” Does that sound familiar? You may feel they are being negative, however, there are a lot of people in this world who find it hard to receive compliments. I’ll go further: There are a lot of people who find it hard to accept love!

It’s not that they don’t want love. In fact, they will seek it out. When it arrives, they downplay it, brush it aside, or find other ways to reject it (including becoming grumpy and rude). Yet they will often be the first to consider marriage counseling – not because they have trouble accepting love, but because they feel their partner is not giving enough. It can come as a rude shock to realize that they are the problem, not their partner.

While it may be a rude shock, counseling can certainly turn that problem around. People who find it hard to accept compliments, or to accept love, generally live unfulfilled lives. They always feel like something is missing, and they are right – it is the acceptance of love when offered that is missing.

So how does one change that mentality? It does take time, and it takes a lot of conscious effort. The first step is to knock down your defensive wall. Being defensive is what normally sits at the bottom of this problem so chipping away those defenses can be a must. You also need to identify when you are blocking love – and slowly work at preventing yourself from going into auto-pilot at this time.

Your partner is not being negative – they are being defensive, and by working together with a counselor, you can break down those defenses and build a strong and healthy marriage.

We often look at marriage problems from the perspective of the aggrieved partner. But what about the partner who has caused the pain? How do they say they are sorry; that the marriage is worth saving; and that they want to save it? Often, the aggrieved partner is feeling hurt, the trust is gone, and the last thing they want is to save the marriage.

This can be a very difficult situation. From the aggrieved partner’s perspective, you have no right to ask forgiveness, or at least, no right to expect forgiveness. Yet that is exactly what you want. It can be very frustrating trying to break down that wall of distrust and, unfortunately, often it is impossible – you have to accept the inevitable, and that is that the marriage is over.

In some cases, you may be able to convince your partner that all isn’t lost, and that you are more than willing to go with them to a marriage counselor to try and heal the rift. If they are willing, you have to follow through. However, a word of warning, your heart really does need to be in it; if not, the chances are that even marriage counseling will fail.

How do you say you’re sorry? Words and actions are the only way. You have to win back that trust, you have to prove to your partner that whatever wrong you did, it was a one off and is not going to repeat itself. If you do repeat that action, then don’t expect a second chance. But then, if you are really serious about saving your marriage, there’s no chance of a repeat, is there?

There are several very good self help marriage tools available today, but they are not necessarily the answer to every marriage in trouble. There are several elements that need to be present before any self help program can work.

When it comes to marriage therapy, these elements need to be present in both partners. If they are not present, then no program will work without external assistance. The key elements you need to bring to a self help program are:

Desire – there needs to be the desire from both partners to want the marriage to work. Doing it ‘for the kids’ is not enough. You have to want to repair your marriage.

Commitment – with desire then comes the commitment. You want your marriage to work so you will need to commit to working on it. This means finishing what you start.

Strength – the toughest element of the three is strength. Do you have the internal strength to see the process through to the end. It can be too easy with a self help program to skip sections, find excuses for not completing a particular exercise, and for taking short cuts. You need that internal strength to work through each section honestly and to completion.

If you cannot honestly say that you have all three, then a self help program may not be the right way to go. There is no denying that self help programs can make positive changes in a relationship, but only half doing the job can leave the way open for future problems. If you have the first two elements, then by all means give one of the self help programs a trial. If you don’t have the strength to complete the program, then you will need the face-to-face assistance of a marriage counselor if you really want to repair your marriage.

There are a lot of factors that go into making a successful relationship. Communication is one factor that is extremely important. In fact, it forms the base for many of the other factors. One aspect of communication is knowing what to say and when to say it. You can look at this as being a balancing act between diplomacy and honesty.

We generally use a mix of honesty, diplomacy, diplomatic honesty, and brutal honesty. Consider the following four statements and tell me if you can classify them into one of those communication styles.

• You’re FAT
• No dear, you haven’t gained a pound all year
• I think we have both put on a pound or two since last year
• Oh, you may have put on a pound or two

The problem with many relationships is that they tend to sit in one or two of those styles. Some are just brutally honest all the time – it’s like being in a war zone if you pay a visit. Others take the purely diplomatic route, always avoiding any type of conflict. Neither are helpful for a successful long term relationship.

Of course, there are times when brutal honesty is needed. Likewise, there are times when being purely diplomatic is the best approach. However, if you have a good communication relationship between yourself and your partner, these are acceptable parts of the norm.

So how do you approach communication with your partner? If you’re the diplomatic type, always avoiding conflict, then you are probably quite frustrated in many of the actions of your partner. The problem is, you are giving them permission to continue. This is where a counselor can help you to learn communications skills that will free you from being the constant diplomat. The same can be said for those that are brutally honest – learn to be diplomatic occasionally.

You can go to the doctor to determine your own health. You can take your car to a mechanic to check its health status. But what about your marriage? How do you check its health status? In fact, what defines a healthy marriage?

The University of Maryland has put together an extensive list of the qualities they feel are needed for a healthy marriage. It’s a good list as far as lists go, and the qualities mentioned are all important if you want a successful marriage. That’s not to say that one or two of those qualities could be left out, and your marriage still successful.

That then brings us back to how you define a healthy marriage. What is missing from that list are some of the simpler issues. Is happiness an indication of a healthy marriage? Unhappiness is certainly an indication of an unhealthy marriage.

In most instances, while check lists are good for gaining an in-depth assessment of a marriage – the reality is far more straightforward. Like our health, we often know when our marriage is in trouble. Communications seem to shut down and the atmosphere in the home isn’t quite right.

If you feel your marriage is in trouble, then consult a professional counselor who can help you assess the health of your marriage. In the meantime, if you really want to assess the health of your own marriage, start by assessing whether or not you are both happy. If you are, then you probably have little to worry about.