The Marriage Counseling Blog

Sometimes, avoiding conflict can become more problematic than dealing with the problem head-on. However, some people choose to avoid conflict for a variety of reasons. Over time, this can lead to lots of marital problems.

Reasons People Avoid Conflict

Sometimes people avoid conflict out of fear. They don’t want to upset their spouse. Perhaps they grew up in a home where there was a lot of fighting and as a result, learned “anger is bad.” Or maybe their spouse blows things out of proportion so out of a desire to keep the peace they avoid confronting them when they feel something is wrong. Read the rest of this article »

There’s a saying that says “love means never having to say sorry.” That philosophy certainly isn’t based on conventional wisdom. It’s a fact that there will be times you will hurt your spouse’s feelings and your spouse is bound to hurt yours.

Does loving your spouse mean you shouldn’t apologize for doing something hurtful? Perhaps because you love someone you should especially make sure you say sorry. Saying sorry shows that you care how your actions affect your spouse. Read the rest of this article »

Setting Boundaries with Adult Children

Adult children can actually wreak more havoc on your marriage than young children sometimes. When parents disagree on how much support to offer their adult children, it can result in feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. Read the rest of this article »

Do you ever feel like you are being stretched too thin and as a result you don’t have time to focus on your marriage? If so, it can cause your relationship to slowly dissipate and can lead to a lot of marital problems. Devoting time and energy to your relationship is necessary to grow together as a couple, but sometimes the demands of life can make this difficult.

Evaluate How Much Time You Devote to Your Marriage

How much time do you devote to your spouse and the health of your marriage? Consider how many hours you spend each week devoted to helping and talking to your spouse. How much time do you spend going on a date, communicating about important issues, and being physically affectionate with one another? If you are like most people, there are likely weeks that you don’t have much time and energy left to devote to your marriage. Read the rest of this article »

It’s an age old question, can men and women just be friends? It’s been a widely disputed debate about whether or not it’s possible to have a strictly platonic relationship. And of course, the issue becomes especially complicated when you are talking about a married person. Should a married person have friends of the opposite sex or could it be harmful to the marriage?

What Research Says

A new study by the University of Wisconsin says that men and women can mostly likely be friends. However, the study reveals that men are often attracted their female friends. And even more interesting, they often presume their female friends are attracted to them. Read the rest of this article »

Boundaries within the marriage are very important to the relationship. Determining what should be kept private between the couple versus what is told to the outside world makes a big impact. Finances are an issue that some people prefer to remain very private about, while other people don’t mind sharing some personal financial information. For couples with different boundaries about financial information, this can create conflict.

If you are invited somewhere by friends but are on a tight budget, do you feel comfortable saying you can’t afford to go? If your in-laws ask you how much you paid for your car, how do you respond? Does anyone know how much money you make? Or how much you pay for bills? Or how much you spent on your last vacation? Read the rest of this article »

There’s a normal push and pull in a marriage when each person tries to meet his own needs while also trying to meet his spouse’s needs. It’s a delicate balance when trying to do what is good for you but what is also good for the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, when people see this balance isn’t working out, they develop some passive aggressive behaviors in an attempt to get their needs met with the least resistance.

What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior is a behavior that often contradicts what a person outwardly tries to communicate. Sometimes it is obvious and at other times, it is quite subtle. Passive-aggressive behavior often starts when one person feels his needs aren’t being met and he doesn’t trust his partner will meet them either. Read the rest of this article »

Looking for a marriage counselor can be difficult and at times, downright confusing. And at a time when people are stressed and looking for help, they don’t need to deal with difficulties and confusion. Here are some answers to some of the most common questions asked about how to find a marriage counselor.

What sort of credentials should a marriage counselor have?

When looking for counselors, there are a variety of initials and degrees which can make things seem confusing. Some common credentials that many marriage counselors have include LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), LCPC (licensed clinical professional counselor), LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), PhD (doctorate of philosophy) or PsyD (doctor of psychology). Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples report not being able to afford marriage counseling. It’s unfortunate when money becomes a barrier to treatment, however for many, it’s a reality. But don’t give up if you can’t afford to pay for counseling. There are some strategies to help you find affordable resources that can help your marriage.

Check with Your Health Insurance Company

If you or your spouse has health insurance, talk to your health insurance company about coverage.  Many insurance companies have complicated rules about counseling coverage. For example, sometimes insurance companies cover individual therapy and family therapy but not couples counseling. Many mental health agencies and counseling centers will work with you to try and ensure your claims are paid. Read the rest of this article »

Historically, men have been considered to be more frequent cheaters than women. However, it looks like modern women are just as likely to cheat on their husbands as men. According to researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington, women cheat at the same rate as men but they report the reasons they cheat are different.

Infidelity Statistics

It’s hard to determine the exact percentage of men and women who cheat. After all, how many people are going to be honest on a survey or questionnaire when their infidelity may still be a secret? So gathering accurate data can be tricky. Read the rest of this article »

There’s lots of evidence that many couples experience some pre-marital jitters before tying the knot. However, there’s some new research that suggests couples who have serious jitters are more likely to get divorced. Does this mean couples who get cold feet shouldn’t follow through with the wedding?

What Research Shows

The Journal of Family Psychology released a study that was led by Justin Lavner, a UCLA doctoral student in psychology, who studied whether or not cold feet before marriage seemed to predict divorce. The study states that wives who reported having some doubts about getting married were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce within four years when compared to wives who did not have doubts. Among the couples who were still married after four years, both husbands and wives reported less marital satisfaction compared to couples who did not have pre-marital doubts. Read the rest of this article »

It’s important to step back sometimes and ask, “How do I show my love to my spouse?” Then it’s equally important to ask, “When I do those things, does my spouse feel loved?” Sometimes there’s a big difference in what people to do show love and what makes their spouse feel loved.

What Shows Love?

Love is a feeling that is often defined by the behaviors someone exhibits. So what behaviors do you use to show your spouse your love? And what behaviors make you feel loved by your spouse? There are a lot of differences in opinions about what shows love. And often, people aren’t sure what makes their spouse feel loved or even what makes them feel loved. Read the rest of this article »

I work with a lot of people who have the best of intentions when they offer their spouse advice. However, despite their attempts to be well-meaning, it can often blow up in their face. It’s important to recognize when your advice can be helpful and when it may be harmful to the marriage.

How it Often Works

Unsolicited advice sometimes crosses the line and tends to be harmful. Here’s an example. Bob and Carol had been married for 15 years. Carol often felt like Bob procrastinated when it came to important things. Carol thought she was being helpful by reminding him of things or making suggestions. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples begin to look more like squabbling siblings rather than loving partners when they compete with another.  Although healthy competition can be a good thing in other areas of your life, ideally in the marriage, it is best if you can work together as a team without competing against each other.

Competition in marriage comes in many forms. Sometimes parents compete to see who can be a better parent. A husband may dislike that his wife stays at home with the children all day and has more time with them. Or a wife may feel slighted when the kids are excited to see him come from work and they aren’t interested in spending time with her when he’s home. When parents compete about parenting issues it can become unhealthy as they work on trying to win a child’s affection rather than parenting together. Read the rest of this article »

Communication is the key to a great marriage. However, many couples will say things such as “we don’t communicate well.” Communication is a skill that often needs fine tuning and ongoing practice. As your relationship grows, it is important that you continue to address problems in your communication. Improving your communication can make your relationship skyrocket from a mediocre marriage to an excellent one.

1. Set Time Aside to Talk

Many people just don’t make the time to really talk to one another. Calling on your way home from work to say “Can you put dinner in the oven?” doesn’t count. The demands of life can sometimes interfere with taking the time to have a good conversation. Read the rest of this article »

People often wonder why their relationship loses a spark after being married. However, sometimes if you look at how your behaviors have changed, it becomes evident. People tend to treat one another differently when they are dating compared to once they are married.

How Do You Spend Your Time Together?

What activities did you do together when you were dating? It’s likely that you actually went out on dates. When you stayed in, what did you do? If you are like most couples, you enjoyed your time together no matter what you did. It’s likely the focus was on one another.

However, once people are married, their activities often change. They tend to go out on dates much less frequently. Their activities often center around household responsibilities rather than setting aside special time together to focus on each other. Many couples don’t plan special activities that they look forward to anymore either. If you don’t set aside special time for one another, it won’t just happen on its own. It is important to spend quality time together like when you were dating. Read the rest of this article »

Stress takes a toll on your mood, your health and your relationships if you don’t learn how to manage your stress level. It is important to recognize when your stress level is increasing. Learning how to manage your stress is imperative to improving your quality of life and maintaining the health of your marriage.

Everyone has stress. A little stress can be a good thing. It can lead to positive action. For example, if you are concerned about a big project you have coming up, stress can help you prepare. Stress can also help offer a warning sign that something needs to change. For example, if you are stressed about bills lately, it might be a warning sign that you need to pay closer attention to your budget. Read the rest of this article »

Ever heard a person say that they just “fell out of love?” When you hear someone say that do you think “Oh that can happen?” Or do you think something more like, “That’s too bad they didn’t work hard enough?” The truth is, love isn’t something that just happens on its own. It also doesn’t just magically disappear.

If you haven’t felt as many loving feelings toward your spouse lately you don’t have to just sit back and watch those feelings dwindle. In fact, if you don’t do anything, the feelings will likely continue to dissipate. The good news is, you can take steps to increase your loving feelings. Read the rest of this article »

Most couples don’t ever seek marriage counseling. Even many couples who end up divorcing report that they didn’t seek counseling prior to deciding to end the relationship. There is a lot of confusion about when marriage counseling should be considered.

There are lots of times throughout the marriage (and even before) that it could be very helpful to seek counseling. You don’t have to have a bad marriage to get counseling and seeking help doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. Just like most people get an annual checkup with their doctor, the concept of a marriage checkup could be really helpful to many couples. Read the rest of this article »