The Marriage Counseling Blog

4 Ways to Deal with a Spouse Who Lies

Lying can be problematic in a marriage. Sometimes people lie about little things, like what time they arrived home or how the vase got broken. Other times, it is more serious lies about who they were with and what they were doing.

Lying can feel like a serious form of betrayal. If you catch your spouse in a lie, it is important to examine your reaction. Your behaviors may influence the likelihood that your spouse may lie again. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes when the marriage gets rocky, couples agree to a separate for a while. However, the question becomes, does this help marriages or cause more problems? Research shows that in the vast majority of cases, separations do not help couples reconcile but instead, they end in divorce. So make sure to educate yourself first, before jumping into a separation.

Reasons Couples Separate Instead of Divorce

Sometimes couples decide to separate as a trial. Just like couples who get married often go through stages of commitment; dating, engagement, and then marriage, a separation can seem like a step in the opposite direction. Couples don’t want to jump into divorce yet don’t want to be married so separation seems like a reasonable intermediary step. Read the rest of this article »

I’m sure a lot of people cringe at the notion that it can actually harm your marriage if you put your kids first. However, there is evidence out there that making the kids your top priority can be problematic for kids, for parents’ mental health, and for the marriage.

Unhealthy for Kids

When you put kids at the forefront of your life, they often begin to feel as though the entire world revolves around them. This can lead to a rude awakening later on life when they see that just isn’t the case. As young adults they may be shocked to learn their professors don’t excuse your incomplete homework because it was Grandma’s birthday or your boss won’t let you take off on a long weekend because you friend is getting married. The rest of the world has its own schedule. Read the rest of this article »

One of the best prescriptions to improve your marriage can be to have some fun together. Although it seems like a simple idea, it can go a long way to improving your marriage. However, many couples report a variety of reasons that prevent them from having fun together.

How Fun Activities Can Help

Doing fun things together can bring you closer as a couple. Remember when you were dating? Likely, you participated in fun activities together and those activities probably helped you to get to know one another better. So, consider going back to the basics and spending some quality time together having fun. Read the rest of this article »

Parents offer a lot of good advice to their kids. If more people followed their own advice, it could really help their marriage. A lot of times couples behave quite similarly to squabbling siblings. Take a look at these common tidbits parents frequently offer their kids and see how the same advice makes sense in marriage.

Don’t Tattle

Parents are often telling their kids, “Don’t tattle” whenever one of them can’t wait to get the other in trouble. However, there are also adult forms of tattling that can be damaging to a marriage. Picture a wife who can’t wait to call her mother every time her husband says or does something she doesn’t like. Or perhaps she tattles to her friends about something he did that was embarrassing or “stupid.” Read the rest of this article »

Unfortunately, when it comes to in-laws, many people develop the attitude of “they’re not my family so why do I have to get along with them?” However, when you marry someone you really do marry into the whole family. If you love your spouse, it is important to embrace all aspects of your spouse’s life, including your spouse’s family.  It’s part of blending two lives into one.

When entering into a marriage, developing a relationship with your in-laws is important. However, it can be tricky at times to navigate your new role and establish your place in the family. There are several steps you can take to help ease this transition and establish a healthy relationship with your in-laws. Read the rest of this article »

Just about every time a couple comes into me for counseling, they probably should have come to see me about a year ago. Usually, the problem they’re coming to see me for started about a year ago and they’re just now coming to see me for it. I used to ask why they waited so long to come see me but I don’t anymore. Why? Because they all said the same thing: we just thought we had problems the same as every couple. We didn’t realize we needed counseling.

So how do you know when you and your spouse are going through “normal” difficulties or when you need to go to counseling? Well, here’s a few tips.

Read the rest of this article »

Our reactions to events are based on core beliefs we’ve developed about ourselves and the world. Based on past experiences, including childhood experiences, people develop these underlying beliefs. People’s underlying beliefs can cause them to incorrectly interpret their partner’s behaviors and can cause marital problems.

For example, a husband comes home from work early. One wife may think, “He’s so wonderful to come home early to spend time with me. He loves me so much more than his work!” Another wife may interpret this as, “he must be checking up on me because he doesn’t trust me.” Two completely different conclusions from the same event based on each person’s differing views. These two separate conclusions lead to very different actions. Read the rest of this article »

Having a child will change all aspects of your life, including your marriage. It is important to be on the same page about the changes you will encounter. Discuss these important topics with your spouse to ensure you are on the same page. If you aren’t, consider seeking some professional help prior to having a baby.

Expectations about Roles

It’s very important that you discuss your expectations about your roles before the birth of a baby. Do you anticipate doing half of the work and your partner doing the other half? Do you think you’ll be able to do the majority of the childrearing while your spouse has a full-time job? Discussing your expectations can help clarify what you want your life to be like after having a child. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples don’t celebrate their anniversaries. They don’t do much to honor the day beyond saying “Happy anniversary” to one another. However, celebrating your anniversary can actually be very good for your marriage.

Most couples put a lot of energy into planning their wedding. They spend a lot of money, invite a lot of people, and celebrate together when they get married. However, often in the years to come, this sense of celebration becomes lost. Many couples treat it like another day. If you celebrate other holidays with more energy and effort, doesn’t it make sense to celebrate your own personal holiday? Read the rest of this article »

Many people mistakenly believe that people outgrow Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). However, ADHD doesn’t go away when people reach adulthood. Many adults with ADHD report that their symptoms have changed over the years, but haven’t gone away. If you or your partner has ADHD it is important to learn about how it is likely to impact your marriage.

If you or your partner has ADHD it is important that both of you educate yourselves about adult ADHD. Learn about symptoms and treatment options. It is also important to learn how ADHD impacts relationships so that both of you can have realistic expectations.

Household responsibilities can be an area of conflict for many couples, but especially when one partner has ADHD. Often, the partner without ADHD feels their spouse isn’t holding up their end of the chores. Sometimes people with ADHD think they are doing their share but their symptoms may be interfering. It’s important to uncover which symptoms are getting in the way. Sometimes chores aren’t completed due to the person forgetting to do them. Other times it is due to starting a chore and then becoming distracted and not finishing. Often people with ADHD start many projects but have trouble finishing any of them. Once you uncover the symptom that is interfering, it is important to decide on a course of treatment. Read the rest of this article »

Finding a balance of give and take is important in a marriage. Sometimes people give too much and grow resentful. Other times, people take too much, causing their partners to grow weary. It’s important to take stock to ensure that you’re giving enough for the marriage and that you are also giving for the right reasons.

Giving without expectation, means you can give your partner without the expectation that he’ll return the favor. Marriage isn’t meant to be a competition so you shouldn’t need to keep score. Instead, marriage is about giving when you can, knowing that there times you are able to give more and times when you can give less. Also, there will be times when you may need to take more. Healthy marriages recognize this up and down and both partners trust that their partner will be there for them when they need it. Read the rest of this article »

Someone might say, “no one gets divorced because their spouse didn’t take out the garbage.” Well, actually they do. One of the biggest sources of conflict, along with finances, is household responsibilities. When people don’t feel their spouse is doing their fair share, it can lead to a lot of marital problems.

When one spouse feels overwhelmed with household responsibilities it can lead to a lot of anger and resentment. Often, it is wives who feel unappreciated and overwhelmed with housework, although husbands sometimes experience this as well. Learning how to get along despite your differences is an important part of keeping your marriage healthy. Read the rest of this article »

Technology has allowed easy and free access to pornography. Many people who would not purchase pornography if they had to do so in a public place feel free to access it in the privacy of their own home. There have been numerous studies on how the increase in pornography has been damaging. Marriages can be negatively impacted and in some cases, divorce results from one person’s interest in online pornography or from their online sexualized behaviors.

Statistics about Divorce and Online Sexualized Behaviors

Statistics show that online pornography plays a large role in divorce. A recent study polled divorce lawyers about the reasons why their clients were getting divorced. The results showed that 68% of the divorce cases involved one party meeting a new love interest over the internet. Over half of the divorce causes involved one partner’s obsessive interests in online pornography. One partner spending excessive time online accounted for 47% of divorce cases while excessive chat room conversations were cited in 33%. (Manning, 2006)

The statistics are astounding. It’s clear that online pornography causes many marital issues and can break down the marriage in several different ways. The internet makes it easier to engage in behaviors that lead to marriage problems. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes the demands of bills, work, and children can take a toll on the romance in a marriage. Making sure your bedroom is a romantic retreat to escape all the stressors of everyday life can be helpful to the health of your marriage, including your sexual intimacy. A few simple steps can help ensure that your bedroom helps fuel the romance.

Set Boundaries with Kids

If your kids sleep in your bed, it is going to put a damper on your sex life. There’s no way around it. If you have gotten into the habit of allowing kids to sleep in your bed, start working on getting them back into their own rooms at night. Although they are likely to protest initially, with some extra effort, you can help them start sleeping in their beds again. Read the rest of this article »

Like the United States, Canada is diverse from end to end. In the Maritime Provinces, there’s a kind of ruggedness that comes from living near the North Atlantic. Then there’s the French-ness of places like Quebec City and Montreal, the urban atmosphere of Toronto and Ottawa, the rough-and-tumble Calgary, and – finally – there’s Vancouver.

One of the most popular destinations in Canada, Vancouver feels different from most of Canada’s other large cities. Surrounded by plenty of water and boasting lovely stretches of green area, the city has plenty of oases, but is also a thriving metropolis where you can shop, dine, and play the night away. Add to that the friendly locals who are more than eager to make your stay a pleasant one and you’ve got an ideal destination for a fun and romantic getaway. Read the rest of this article »

Buying your first home together is  big step for any couple. It’s important to make sure that both of you get a home that you are comfortable with and that you can enjoy together for years to come.

A home can elicit a variety of feelings. If you love your home, you likely will feel happy and comfortable. Buy a home that you come to dislike, and it will likely elicit feelings of anger and resentment. Picking a home together and then successfully living in it together can do wonders for a marriage. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve written before about a number of issues faced by people with Aspergers.   I’d like to tackle the one about relationships.  I welcome your feedback and I will expand upon what I’m saying in other posts.

Temple Grandin wrote in her first book about not wanting to be in a relationship because she missed many personal signals.  Just to keep a sense of correctness and humor about this, having done couples and family therapy for many years, so does everyone.  If that were the case, we’d never have relationships, so, here we are—for better or for worse. Read the rest of this article »