The Marriage Counseling Blog

Having a healthy and happy marriage can be more difficult when there are psychological problems interfering. There’s a variety of psychological problems, ranging from mild to severe, that can cause increased stress to the relationship. Learning how to deal with those psychological problems is important.

Psychological problems that can impact a relationship may include a diagnosed mental illness. Depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, or other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia can put a strain on any relationship. If one or both people in the relationship has been diagnosed with a mental illness, it is important to seek treatment. It is also important for both partners to be involved with treatment. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes your spouse’s behaviors have nothing to do with you. He’s not just doing that thing you hate to try and make you mad on purpose. He’s not putting conscious effort into ruining your day. In fact, he’s probably not even thinking about those things that drive you crazy at all. But for you, that’s the problem.

A wife who assumes her husband isn’t putting the toilet seat down because he doesn’t care about her is probably way over analyzing how much effort her husband is putting into what she considers to be an act of defiance. In fact, he’s not thinking about the toilet seat at all and is usually confused about why she gets so mad. Read the rest of this article »

Studies have shown that there are some risk factors that can increase the likelihood that a marital couple will divorce. Some of them cannot be changed. Other risk factors, can be changed if the couple decides to address them together and improve their marriage.

Ignoring problems does not make them go away. Many couples do not want to address their problems because it can be anxiety provoking to face them head on. However, when problems are not addressed, they tend to get worse and the worse they get, the harder they are to resolve. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations about the changes their partner is going to make. Even if your partner agrees to make some behavioral changes, his personality is going to change. Our personalities are fairly well cemented by the time most people get married. Despite attempts to nag, punish, or beg, his personality is going to remain.

So what’s the difference between behavioral changes and personality changes? Behaviors are what someone actually does. For example, washing the dishes, walking the talk, talking in a calm voice, and going to work on time are all behaviors. Read the rest of this article »

Listening is an important skill for any marriage. Truly listening to your partner requires you to pay close attention to what they are saying without focusing on what you are thinking. This can be very difficult if your feelings are hurt, you disagree with what your partner is saying, or you are angry.

Learning how to listen to your partner means that you stay present. Instead of focusing on your rebuttal, you are able to keep hearing what your partner is saying. This requires conscious effort to keep listening. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples who are struggling with marital issues ask, “Would it be helpful if we separated?” The answer depends on the nature of the problems as well as the plan for the separation. Unfortunately, most separations occur as a stepping stone to divorce.

A separation may make sense in some circumstances. For example, if your partner has a substance abuse problem and has not been willing to address it, you may decide you can’t live with that anymore. If you separate under the condition that you can reunite if your partner seeks help, the separation may be helpful. This can be true of other addictions too, such as a gambling problem. Read the rest of this article »

When your partner is out of line with his behaviors, it is important to focus on managing yourself. When your partner’s anger or behaviors escalate, your reaction can either fuel the fire or not. Learning how to keep your emotions and behaviors in check is important to a healthy marriage.

How do you handle your anger? Do you yell and scream? If your partner behaves rudely, do you have a short fuse? Do you behave rudely in retaliation? Read the rest of this article »

One of my clients told me recently:  “My girlfriend’s cat died.  She had to put it down.  Both of us couldn’t be there.  But that was a couple of days ago.  And she’s still going on…”  That got me thinking:  how should you and your close ones handle the death of a pet?  Here are some suggestions.

Looking at the statistics, more and more people have pets. Cats have now won out over dogs.  People also have other pets as well.  Looking at the pet food counters in the supermarkets, it’s very clear how much people prize their animals. They buy them gourmet dinners, great outdoors clothes, exotic toys, and take them everywhere.   They watch pet and animal shows on television. So, pets are family, they are part of who we are and how we see ourselves. Read the rest of this article »

There’s a lot of confusion about what makes someone co-dependent. In the past, co-dependency was mostly discussed in the context of alcohol. But we know now that you don’t need to be married to an alcoholic in order to be co-dependent.

Although there are a lot of definitions of co-dependency, the basic meaning is that a co-dependent lets another person’s behaviors affect them and they spend a lot of energy trying to control that person’s behaviors. People who are co-dependent do not necessarily have a co-dependency on their spouse. It could be another family member, such as a child, parent or sibling as well. Read the rest of this article »

How you communicate your message makes a big difference. Communicating clearly and offering solutions is much more likely to elicit a positive response from your partner. Learning how to communicate what you can do, not what you cannot, is likely to be much more helpful in your marriage.

Serena and Roy often argued about how to spend their time. Serena worked from home but felt as though Roy treated her more like she didn’t work at all. One day Roy asked her to run a few errands for him and she responded by saying, “I don’t have time for all these things. Don’t you know I have a lot of work to do?” This led to an argument between them about who has more to do and the problem was left unresolved. Read the rest of this article »

Avoidance can be detrimental to a marriage. A couple may avoid many things within the relationship that cause problems. They may avoid addressing serious issues, avoid working together, or may even avoid one another’s company. If your marriage seems to be avoidant, it is important to address these issues as soon as possible.

Do you avoid conflict? Sometimes people don’t want to make their partner mad or feel it isn’t worth the effort. These can be signs of serious trouble in the relationship. If disagreements are not addressed, they don’t go away. Instead, it is more likely that feelings will be hurt and resentment will build. Read the rest of this article »

One of my patients recently told me that his or her boss told them to go to the EAP and get some help.  The boss had mentioned some performance issues.  S/he had gone to the doctor first and had gotten a fitness report.  S/he then put a cover letter on the report and handed it to the boss.  Was this a wise idea?

There are no general right answers to this question.  If your boss or supervisor asks you to see someone, you should acknowledge the statement.  That is, you should ask your boss whether there is a problem in your work.  The odds are that s/he would have mentioned the problems already, either before the suggestion or at the time of the suggestion. Read the rest of this article »

A few years into your marriage, you may not be feeling the warm fuzzy feelings toward your partner as often as in the past. This is normal. As the relationship develops, a deeper more meaningful sense of love grows.

Some people mistake this deeper sense of love with boredom. It’s likely that early on in the relationship you couldn’t sleep, felt emotional highs and wanted to be with your partner all the time. When these feelings fade, reality starts to set in. Read the rest of this article »

How you think impacts how you feel. What you think about your partner’s behaviors will impact how you feel about your partner. It is important to recognize some thoughts you may be having toward your partner are destructive.

Just because you think something, doesn’t mean it is true. In fact, the more emotional you feel, the more irrational your thoughts may become. It is helpful to learn how to replace some of your more destructive thoughts with healthier coping thoughts. Read the rest of this article »

Many people engage in self-destructive behaviors that range from minor to potentially life threatening behaviors. Identifying these behaviors is the first step in learning how to heal. If you engage in these behaviors, therapy may be needed to help you stop. If you are dealing with a spouse who engages in self-destructive behaviors, therapy for yourself or couples therapy may be warranted.

The most dangerous self-destructive behaviors include dangerous acts such as self-mutilation and suicide attempts. These are very serious and can be lethal. It is important for anyone engaging in these sorts of behaviors to receive treatment. If your spouse engages in these but refuses help, consider seeking treatment for yourself. Read the rest of this article »

Maturity means you are able to separate from your parents. Being married means you have entered in a relationship that requires you to form a partnership. This partnership means that you and your spouse are a team of two, which doesn’t include your parents or your in-laws.

Being supportive of your spouse doesn’t mean you have to be adversarial to your partners. It might mean that you have to stand up for your spouse at times and side with him, even if your parents don’t agree. It may mean that you aren’t able to gain your parents’ approval in every situation. Read the rest of this article »

A good indicator of marital satisfaction is how a couple recalls their past. The way they recall their history tells a lot about the current status of the relationship. Happier couples recall the past with more warm and caring sentiments. Couples who are currently dissatisfied, often say they have trouble remembering or only offer information about the tough times.

Alyson and Rory had been married for 8 years and had two children together. They had not always argued about everything like they seem to lately. When asked about their past, Alyson tells of how she and Rory met when they were in college. While she tells the story, Rory offers snide remarks. Read the rest of this article »

When you and your partner reunite after work or time apart, the way you greet each other can set the tone for the rest of your time together. Making a conscious effort to greet each other in a positive way can improve the quality of your time together. If you have developed a habit of negative interactions, try changing the way you greet one another to see if it makes the rest of your time together more positive.

When you come home from work, do you immediately complain about your job? Do you tell your partner how horrible your day was and give specific examples of what happened? When your partner walks through the door do you immediately tell him how bad the kids have acted while he was gone? These sorts of conversations can start the evening off with a negative tone. Read the rest of this article »

When you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings, how do you react? Whether you agree or not that your behaviors were hurtful, the actions you take next make a big difference in your relationship. Do you take responsibility for your behaviors? If not, this can damage the relationship.

The first step in taking responsibility for your behaviors is recognizing when you have hurt your partner’s feelings. Do you pay attention to how your partner reacts? Are you in tune with your partner’s feelings? Read the rest of this article »

Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s really let herself go since she got married.” Yikes. Marriage tends to bring comfort. People shouldn’t equate being comfortable with being sloppy with their appearance. It is important to take care of yourself physically, before and after you are married.

Taking care of yourself means taking care of your health as well as putting energy into your appearance. Taking care of yourself is important to the relationship in several ways. First of all, people feel better when they are caring for themselves. And when you feel better, you will likely be a better partner to your spouse. It is hard to feel romantic if you haven’t gotten out of sweatpants in a week. Read the rest of this article »