You need to let go continuously as your child grows up. Some thoughts…
Being a parent is a constant process of letting go. Even shortly after birth, the process starts. You hand your precious newborn to someone else for a second. Will s/he drop your heir? Your newborn is crying in her/his crib. You don’t get there fast enough. Will s/he be forever traumatized? Read the rest of this article »
When something bad happens, sometimes people tend to ruminate about it. They re-play the event over and over in their head. They dwell on how bad it was. They continue to feel bad about it. It creates a cycle where people feel bad and they can get stuck feeling that way.
There’s a difference between ruminating and problem-solving. Problem-solving is a productive type of thinking that can lead to action. For example, thinking about how to manage your budget may be productive as you determine a course of action. Ruminating about not having enough money just keeps re-playing worrisome thoughts about not having enough money such as “I can’t believe I can’t pay my bills. I’ll never dig myself out of this hole. I’m so poor.” This sort of thinking doesn’t help develop a plan to get her needs met in the future. Read the rest of this article »
I recently had lunch with a friend, a man in his early seventies. He told me that many people from his high school class had either died or were very sick. He was shocked at the suddenness and “overwhelmingness” of it all. I want to use the example of his situation to make some suggestions about losing friends as we age.
We have all heard of the truism that death is part of life. It’s true, yet it is necessary to repeat it. Some people in their youth have direct experience of death, with a family member or a pet dying. Many of us don’t, and we don’t know how to deal with that loss. If you are religiously observant, you can go to your place of worship and find solace in belief, ritual, prayer, and support. Many do not have this cushion. Instead, we see people disappearing from around us.
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Marriage is about becoming one with your partner. Yet, at the same time, still being yourself. This can be a delicate balance at times when trying to stay true to who you are, without feeling like you are just living out your partner’s hopes and dreams.
People who eventually have a “mid-life crisis” do so because they aren’t living life according to their values or their potential. Marriage doesn’t mean you have to give up everything else in your life. It may require some sacrifices, but it is important to still be yourself. Read the rest of this article »
In some marriages, people act very nice and polite all the time. It actually isn’t healthy. Your spouse should be the person that you can show your anger, frustration, sadness, and irrationality to, and they’ll still love you.
As children, we learn the importance of being polite. And this usually serves us well. When you behave in a polite manner, others tend to respond better. You get your needs met more easily and people tend to like you. It makes it easier to make friends and gain respect from others. Read the rest of this article »
A recent tragedy where we live has prompted me to write this post. A 14- year-old “A” student, a model teenager, had a sleepover at her house with friends just like her. It seems she brought out some alcohol and they all drank. All got sick. She died. You must talk with your teens, especially a young teen, about this.
The first thing you need to do — without even discussing this with your child(ren) — is to make sure all liquor is locked up and all meds are in a protected, locked, place. Make sure that you dispose of all old medications. Moreover, this girl’s death shows that serious well-behaved students can make terrible mistakes. Read the rest of this article »
In any marriage, money can be a big source of stress. It is important for financial decisions to be made as a partnership between both people. In unhealthy relationships, money can be used as a way to control or abuse the other person.
Healthy marriages allow both people to benefit from financial arrangements. Each person has a say in what is done with the money, regardless of who earns it or who earns the most. A stay-at-home parent is given equal say to the person who is the family’s breadwinner. Although both partners won’t always agree on where to put all the money, each person is able to get their needs met and feels free to express their opinions and concerns. Read the rest of this article »
I recently received a response to a post I made about sexual problems. Rather than answer that specific response, I’d like to use the opportunity to address the issues that post and other people’s issues raise. Sex is a big part of one’s relationship and so here are some suggestions:
If you and your partner are experiencing problems around sex, you should take a two-fold approach. You should go to a therapist who is familiar with sexual problems and you should each go to your primary care physician to make sure that there is nothing medical involved. The therapist and the doctors should have releases to talk to each other. As a psychologist, I need to know that there is nothing medical involved in order to address the problem. Read the rest of this article »
Many couples find themselves at the point of a marital crisis at some time during the marriage. Perhaps an affair is discovered. Or maybe the couple has separated. Or maybe things have dissolved to the point that neither partner is putting in any effort. Or maybe they have started talking about divorce and have contacted lawyers.
A crisis does not have to mean it is the end of the marriage. Some people think, “it’s too late now.” However, sometimes a crisis provides a much needed opportunity for a change. And change for the better is most likely what the marriage needs in order for the relationship to continue. Read the rest of this article »
Is your spouse the person that you tell everything to? Or do you find that you tend to confide more in your best friend or a family member? Keeping secrets from your spouse is harmful to the relationship. It conveys a lack of trust and can cause people to feel hurt and betrayed. If you find yourself not confiding in your spouse, consider the reason why.
It may be that your intentions are good. Perhaps you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Or maybe you don’t want him to become stressed. Or maybe you don’t want him to get mad and yell. Or perhaps she always nags you and you aren’t in the mood to hear the lecture. So you don’t share the information. Read the rest of this article »
Most people who have affairs don’t ever set out looking for one. There are a few exceptions, of course, where married people do use the internet and other sources to seek out opportunities to have an affair. However, for the vast majority, affairs start out slowly and unintentionally.
Affairs often begin as a “friendship.” Maybe it is with a co-worker, an internet friend, or a former boyfriend or girlfriend. It begins with conversation about day-to-day happenings. The friendship builds until intimate details are shared. Then, perhaps a conversation or two about problems within the marriage, and some conversation about “what if…?” Read the rest of this article »
Your child or your children are pushing for a pet. How do you go about choosing the right pet? Here are some suggestions:
There are a lot of first questions.
Ever had a bad day at work? And then when you come home you take it out on your family? Maybe you had a lot of work to do and not enough time, and then a co-worker was rude to you. When you arrived home, your spouse left her shoes in the middle of the floor and suddenly you are yelling, “Why do you always have to do these things? You don’t ever show me any respect!” All those feelings from the entire day finally explode.
Even though family are the people we tend to care about the most, they often get the brunt of our negative emotional reactions. People tend to feel safest showing their true feelings and negative behaviors with the people they feel closest to. So even if they had nothing to do with your feelings, they may witness the reaction. For example, when you are upset with a co-worker, you might not feel comfortable expressing it at work. Instead, you hold it in and go on with your day. However, those feelings are still there and may be directed at your spouse later. Read the rest of this article »
Many songs and Hollywood movies portray couples who overcome any obstacles in life because they love one another. However, in reality, love alone cannot make two people happily married for life. There are lots of other things that must go into a relationship to make it work over the long term.
Compatibility is very important in making a marriage work. Obviously, your spouse doesn’t need to be your exact clone, however, there are some key areas that you should be compatible on. When two people have very different values and ideas about life, it can be impossible for both of them to get their needs met. Although opposites do sometimes attract initially, compatibility is important for long-term success. There are some issues that people can’t compromise on, such as whether or not to have children. If you want children and your partner doesn’t, someone isn’t going to get their needs met. Read the rest of this article »
You just split up. Aside from financial concerns, children, pets, houses, or plants, and who gets the friends, what can you expect? How should you behave? What should you do? Here are some suggestions.
You should expect a certain amount of personal chaos. You’ve had your life changed and your routines disrupted. You should expect your moods to go up and down. You should expect to feel confused and feel yourself in a cloud or blur. And you should know that you can’t know how soon you’ll settle down. Read the rest of this article »
Children learn about love by watching their caregivers as they grow. They witness their parents’ relationships with one another and with other people. They see how each person treats each other and how they react. Children who see a parent yell, lie, and become easily angered, learn those behaviors.
Many people strive to have a better relationship than the one that they witnessed as a child. Even though many people say, “I’m going to do things differently,” those patterns are often repeated. If you strive to treat your spouse differently, you need to know how to love differently. Read the rest of this article »
Most people think that multi-tasking is a good thing. We live in a society where we value productivity. Don’t waste any time – ever. Instead, be as busy as you can. Unfortunately, this mindset actually can cause people to be less productive and causes them to miss out on the present moment.
How often do you forget where you put something? You may have just walked in the door and set your keys down, but you have no idea what you did with them? More than likely, you weren’t being mindful of the here and now. Instead, you were focused on what you were going to do next or what happened earlier in the day. Read the rest of this article »
What will a pet or an additional new pet do to your family or relationship? Will it create extra demands or throw everyone and everything off? Will it upset your existing children or pets? Let’s talk about what a pet can do and what you should think about in choosing a pet.
First, I want to tell you about this couple I know. They recently got married—and they were an older couple. They chose a puppy; in this case, it was a German shepherd. They have grown children, so this is their new child. Fortunately, they have no other pets at home, though’ I recommended a kitten for their puppy to play with. Read the rest of this article »
Can cleaning the house really improve your marriage? In many cases, it can. Do you ever find that you and your spouse argue about misplaced items? Do you ever accuse your spouse of throwing away important items or documents? Do you feel like you waste a lot of time looking for things?
For some couples, being disorganized has become a sort of way of life. In any relationship, people have different tolerance levels for disorganization. It can cause arguments and conflict if one person feels the other person isn’t carrying their fair share of the load. They may not realize the toll it takes on them over time. Perhaps they have become used to their lifestyle. Read the rest of this article »
Do you or your spouse have difficulty saying no to people? Sometimes people strive to be people pleasers. They spend their evenings and weekends helping others and staying busy. This can take a toll on the marriage.
Maybe you feel like you can’t decline an invitation even when you don’t want to go. Or maybe you frequently volunteer to help others with home improvement projects, party planning, or childcare. Perhaps you recognize this as taking a toll on your own family. Maybe you’ve even become resentful of all the things you feel you have to do. Read the rest of this article »
