The Marriage Counseling Blog

Verbal abuse can be a more subtle form of abuse that may be more difficult to recognize at times. It may include outright name calling, swearing, and threats, or it may involve other tactics to make the other partner feel bad. It impacts people’s feelings of self-worth, can make the person feel crazy, and sometimes causes shame or embarrassment.

The most obvious form of verbal abuse is name calling. An abuser may state they are calling the victim names “for your own good.” They may also say that they are protecting the victim because “you can’t handle things on your own.” The abuser may yell, swear, and scream, or they may talk calmly while belittling the victim. Threats are often used to keep the victim under control. The abuser may claim to only be joking. Read the rest of this article »

Although computer addiction is not yet a recognized official mental health diagnosis, emerging research shows it is an addiction similar to a gambling addiction. The addiction is sometimes referred to as an internet addiction, cyber addiction, or internet addictive disorder. People with a computer addiction may be looking at pornography or may be playing games, blogging, using social media sites, or just doing research online. It does not necessarily have to be a computer that people are addicted to.  A video game system may cause similar problems. What separates normal use from a computer addiction is that an addiction impacts people’s social lives, their work, their family, or education.

Symptoms of a computer addiction include both psychological and physical problems. People feel an inability to stop using the computer. They may feel irritable, anxious, or depressed when not on the computer. Their addiction impacts them socially as they neglect friends and family to spend time online. It may cause problems at work as well. The addicted person may call in sick or use paid work time to use a company computer for personal use. Physical problems may include difficulty sleeping, headaches, dry eyes, and carpal tunnel. People sometimes don’t eat regularly due to their computer use as well and they may skip meals altogether. Their hygiene may also become poor as they spend all the time on the computer instead of showering and caring for themselves. Read the rest of this article »

In case you’re looking for some free advice, and you haven’t yet made the decision to go forward with real therapy or marriage counseling, I want to introduce you to a website we started 4 years ago. Talk About Marriage (http://talkaboutmarriage.com) was started so the public would have an open, supportive forum where they could ask for advice from others, and give advice as well.

As the webmaster for The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, I realized that not everyone who finds our website is always ready to start therapy when they come to us. The fact is-

• Sometimes we just need to have an anonymous person to bounce our problems off of
• Or maybe we need an impartial listener
• We might be too embarrassed to go to a family member or friend with our problems
• Or maybe we don’t know anyone whom we could trust to give decent advice

That’s exactly why we started Talk About Marriage. We wanted to create a website where anyone could go, register for free, and post with an anonymous username to ask for advice or give advice to others facing similar problems. Read the rest of this article »

When a couple disagrees on parenting issues, it can create a variety of problems. Perhaps your spouse wants to make sure the kids are happy all the time. And your goal is to make sure they are responsible, not happy. This can wreak havoc on a marriage.  Ideally, it would have been great to have ironed all this out prior to having kids. However, many people think they will parent in one fashion, but then when the time comes everything they thought they knew went out the window. They then parent much differently than they would have predicted.

It is normal to disagree about parenting issues, and the important thing is to talk about it. Discuss your feelings and concerns with your partner and try to work out a solution that allows you both to feel comfortable. However, some parenting problems are much bigger. Perhaps your spouse feels bad about giving consequences to the kids. And then you are left with dealing with misbehaviors. Or maybe you don’t believe in giving kids chores and your spouse spends half their time picking up after the children. These sorts of issues can cause resentment and frustration, and ultimately, damage to the marriage. Read the rest of this article »

For couples who are certain they want children, timing can be everything. And unlike most things in life these days that we can time down to the smallest detail, pregnancy isn’t guaranteed. For some couples, it can take months; other couples, years; and for some couples, it does not happen at all. Meanwhile, there’s plenty of people out there who experience a “surprise” as well. So how does a couple prepare for having children?

For women, especially, it is important to look at how pregnancy is likely to impact your career. Does she have a job that will allow her to work up until she gives birth? And what is the plan for after the baby is born, with regard to returning to work? For parents who both plan to continue with a career after the birth of the baby, it is important to consider how daycare will be handled. Does at least one person have a flexible enough job that a sick day can be used to stay home with the baby? Can you leave early if the baby becomes sick while at daycare? Read the rest of this article »

Not so long ago, getting married and choosing not to have children seemed unthinkable. The thought process in the past was that people got married so they could raise children together. And the purpose of raising children was to carry on your legacy (not to mention, they could help out around the farm).

Today, many couples realize they can live a happy, healthy life without children. Some people do not need children in order to feel fulfilled. However, many of these couples still receive a raised eyebrow from others when they learn they are childless by choice.

Often, people without children are just assumed to be infertile. Other times people without children are thought to not like kids. Sometimes people without children feel the need to have to justify or explain their choices to others. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples report that they never fight, disagree, or argue. In fact, sometimes their marriage sounds more like a polite interaction with a store clerk or the mail carrier.  Marriage is not supposed to mean that both people will get along all the time by agreeing on everything. Many couples go to great lengths to avoid conflicts. This is unhealthy for the marriage.

Showing anger is actually a form of intimacy. Think about the people who usually see your anger? Is it the people that you see in passing at the store, or is it more likely to be the people who live in your home? Most people try to be on their best behavior in public environments. Then, when in the comfort of their own home they might be willing to let their guard down a little to show their feelings when they are angry. 
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When a relationship starts to have problems, do not ignore or avoid tackling those issues. These won’t help the problem at all. Instead, it may cause the problems to seem magnified and discord may intensify. If you and your partner are struggling to get through some issues, there are several different ways to seek help and try to work on the problems. Different problems may warrant different strategies and each situation is unique. Research available options to determine which tactic is likely to be the most helpful. If that doesn’t work, try something else.

Individual therapy can be helpful if only one person in the relationship wants help or is willing to seek help. One person seeking individual therapy can have a tremendous impact on the relationship. If the person has mental health issues, treating depression or anxiety can be helpful to the relationship. It can also help with conflict resolution skills, grief, and parenting issues. Read the rest of this article »

Debt can have a big impact on a couple’s relationship. Perhaps you had a student loan or two, a car payment, and some credit card. Then you married someone who had a few more student loans, another car payment, and quite a bit of credit card debt. Adding these two together can seem like a big task. Then add a new mortgage on top of that and the amount of debt can seem overwhelming.

Debt can cause resentment in a marriage. If one partner enters the marriage debt-free and the other person has lots of debt, this can certainly be a source of contention. If one person’s credit score is bad and the other person takes great pride in their score, this can be another source of contention. If one partner dislikes credit cards and the other person doesn’t mind having a big balance, this can also cause more problems. Read the rest of this article »

The CDC estimates that 60 million Americans over the age of 20 are obese. For adolescents ages 6 to 19, 9 million are overweight. This means there’s a good likelihood that you, your spouse, or your children have a weight problem. Parents who are overweight are more likely to have children who are overweight. Obesity contributes to physical health problems as well as economic and social problems. If you and/or your partner are overweight, make becoming healthy a high priority. Obesity is the second leading cause of preventable death among adults.

If your partner is overweight, do not criticize him. Making jokes or teasing him about his weight problem will not lead to motivation to become healthy. Instead, it is likely to just make him feel worse about the situation. Instead, talk about your concerns and talk about how the two of you can work as a team to get healthy. Discuss strategies such as joining a gym, going for walks together, meeting with a nutritionist, or joining a weight loss support group such as Weight Watchers. Help each other plan healthy meals, assist with shopping and preparing food, and work together to make healthier choices. Read the rest of this article »

With children being very technological savvy these days, it is important for parents to work together to keep children safe. Children are surrounded by potential threats, sexual images, and pressure to make unhealthy choices. Whether the danger involves cyber bullying or potential predators, there are daily risks for children who surf the internet and use cell phones. Most adolescents lack the skills to recognize danger and protect themselves from potential threats.

Set rules about technology in the house. A good rule is to take all cell phones, laptops, IPODs and electronic devices at a certain time every night. Have teenagers leave them in an assigned location, such as the kitchen, at night, starting at 9 PM. Then there is no temptation to respond to a text message at 3 AM or to use Facebook at midnight. Nothing good ever happens with electronic media at night.

By taking away these options, kids can then just tell their friends it is their parents’ rule and they won’t be teased for not responding to a text message in the middle of the night. Read the rest of this article »

You can help make your visit to the doctor more effective for both of you.  Here are some tips.

Before you go to the doctor, write down what you want her or him to address.  Write it down in such a way as to leave space for you to write down the answers.  When you see your doctor, have her or him answer each question to the point where you feel you understand what’s said.  If necessary, repeat back to the doctor what you think s/he said to make sure you have it right.
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An emotional affair is one that may become physical, but not necessarily. Emotional affairs can sometimes be even more damaging to a relationship than sexual affairs. Emotional affairs take away from intimacy within the relationship and create a wedge between two partners.

Sometimes people think a relationship is innocent if nothing sexual is going on. Relationships that start out as a friendship with someone of the opposite sex can lead to an emotional affair, even without the parties intending them to. The relationship is often a “slippery slope” that becomes more intimate and secretive over time. As the emotional affair progresses in intimacy, the marriage suffers.  Read the rest of this article »

Many people have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. Men, in particular, seem to have difficulty expressing feelings of sadness. Often, their sadness or anxiety seems to come out as anger. People may fear their emotions are a sign of weakness or they might think they are exaggerating a problem. Other people don’t take the time to evaluate their feelings prior to reacting. Not sharing feelings can cause resentment and angry outbursts.

When discussing a problem, it is important to be able to label the feelings you experience when this problem occurs. It is okay to experience feelings, whatever those feelings might be, and there is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed by them. If you are experiencing negative emotions about a situation, it might be a signal that something needs to change.
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Are you and your partner thinking of having children?  Do you know all the ways you approach your differences?  Have you worked them out?

Why not try having a pet first?  This animal will give you a chance to find out these differences.  For example, what kind of animal do you or your partner want?  Do you want a cat, a dog, a bird, or something more exotic?  Why?  What’s the pet supposed to do for you?  Be ornamental?  Be groomed and for show?  Be a companion?  Be a worker alongside you?
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Often, we make some mistakes in normal dealings with older people. These mistakes either make the person feel like a baby or child or else somewhat alone or shunned.  There are some actions we can do to make the person feel better—they don’t cost anything and they’re easy to implement.

The first mistake is assuming that the older person hears as well as you do.  An older person may have begun to experience hearing loss.  S/he may not know it or s/he may know it and not acknowledge it.  You should speak slowly and clearly in a regular tone of voice and see if the person you’re talking to responds.  If you’re not getting a suitable response, ask the person directly whether s/he can hear you.  Ask if one ear is better than another and then move yourself to that side.  Ask the person if hearing is clearer.
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If you have been hurt by your partner in the past, letting go of that hurt can be difficult. Past hurts that are not dealt with often lead to ongoing feelings of resentment, frustration and anger. It can cause a variety of relationship difficulties when someone has not been able to forgive and move past a previous infraction.

A variety of problems can lead to a partner feeling hurt. The most common infraction is an affair. Affairs cause a variety of emotions for the other partner. Feelings of betrayal and anger are common. Sometimes people have difficulty trusting again, which can lead to a variety of relationship problems.
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People who have different values and ideas about money can learn how to work together as a team in a relationship. If one partner is a saver and the other is a spender, each partner can learn from the other person’s strategies. Differences in opinions over money can cause problems in the relationship if they are not dealt with effectively.

There are pros and cons to being a saver and a spender. Savers are able to tuck money away for a rainy day, save up for large purchases, and tuck away money for emergencies. However, some savers are not able to enjoy the moment. They struggle to treat themselves and feel the need to “save for good.” Sometimes they even feel guilty spending any money. Read the rest of this article »

These days it is not uncommon for one or both spouses to lose their jobs unexpectedly. The unemployment rate has been steadily rising over the last few years, which proves the dire situation we are in. When this situation arises, it can cause feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, and even grief over the loss of the job and your income. These feelings can spill over into your relationship, and if you aren’t careful, can impact it negatively.

If you, your spouse, or both of you are hit with unexpected job loss, how do you protect your relationship from the inevitable effects this stressful situation can have?
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Assertive behaviors help people to express their feelings, explain their needs, and set limits when they don’t want to do something. Learning how to be assertive can be very helpful in relationships. When people are able to be assertive, they tend to develop more self-worth and tension in the relationship decreases.

Some people tend to be a “people pleaser.” This can negatively impact relationships because people tend to grow resentful over time that their needs are not being met. Passive people have difficulty saying no when their partner asks them to do something. They sometimes might really not want to do something but are afraid that saying no might make someone mad. This tends to be a pattern outside of the relationship as well. They might always do whatever friends ask them to do or tend to provide favors to people. They often feel dependent on others to help them get their needs met. Read the rest of this article »