The Marriage Counseling Blog

There are lots of sexual problems that a couple may face. The most common concern is that for at least one partner, sexual activity isn’t frequent enough. This can lead to a lot of feelings and can cause other marital problems. It is very important that a couple address sexual problems. Avoiding it will only make it worse. However, many people report discomfort in addressing this issue with their partner. Communication is key and communicating about a sexual problem can be the first step in addressing it.

Sexual problems happen in many marriages. Sometimes it is just a minor problem in an otherwise happy and healthy marriage. At other times, sexual problems are a symptom of a larger problem within the relationship.

Importance of Talking About Sexual Problems

Sexual problems are often not talked about in society or within the marriage. Within a marriage, it can be like the elephant in the room. If a couple isn’t engaging in a fulfilling sex life, both partners are going to know about it, however, it’s likely that neither partner wants to discuss it. It is very important to discuss problems as they arise.

If sexual problems aren’t dealt with, it isn’t likely they aren’t going to get any better. In fact, they are likely to get worse. Sexual problems are nothing to be embarrassed about or to feel ashamed about. Many marriages end over sexual problems. It’s imperative that a couple face the facts and be willing to talk openly to one another about their concerns.

How To Talk About Sexual Problems With Your Spouse

It can be difficult to bring up the topic of sexual problems. It is important to have a plan. Timing is everything. Don’t bring up sexual problems during an intimate moment or just before you go to sleep. Instead, wait for a time when you are both calm and have time to devote to the subject without being interrupted.

Make sure to spend some time focusing on what is working. Talk about what you like and what you think is helpful. Point out the positives before bringing up the negative. If your sex life has been non-existent for quite some time, talk about how you used to like it when things were different. Be clear with what you want the relationship to be like and how you hope things can be different.

Be open to suggestions from your partner. Be willing to listen and discuss what you are willing to do differently as well. Talk about your feelings and use “I” statements. For example, “I worry that we don’t spend enough time alone together.” Avoid placing blame on your partner. Make sure to approach the problem in terms of “us” and “we” not “you.” This a couples issue, not one person’s problem.

Uncover Underlying Problems

If one of you has experienced a decreased sex drive it is important to examine possible underlying problems. It’s completely possible that the stress of daily life has just taken a toll. Taking care of children, working hard, and dealing with all of life’s responsibilities can make you tired and can decrease your libido over time. If this seems to be the issue, focus on making intimacy more of a priority in your marriage.

Sometimes there are other underlying issues that are contributing as well. Physical health issues decrease a person’s sex drive. Consider arranging for an appointment with your doctor to get a check-up. Hormonal imbalances, for example, can decrease libido.

Underlying mental health issues can cause sexual dysfunction as well. Depression and anxiety can cause sexual problems. A trauma history can also contribute to sexualized problems.

Underlying marital problems can contribute to sexual problems as well. If you feel anger and resentment toward your spouse, it’s likely your sexual desire will decrease. Communication problems, lack of emotional intimacy, and unresolved hurts can also lead to lack of sexual desire.

If your spouse has hurt your feelings and the issue has not been resolved, it is important to address that issue. Perhaps it was an affair or another indiscretion that has not yet been dealt with. If there are past issues that you haven’t yet worked through, your unfulfilling sex life is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Getting Professional Help

If you aren’t able to resolve your sexual problems together, consider professional help. Couples counseling can address sexual problems in greater depth. Although it may seem awkward initially to discuss such a private issue with a stranger, marriage counselors are used to discussing sexual problems on a daily basis. Find a counselor who can assist you revitalizing your sex life and boosting your intimacy while improving the health of your marriage.