The Marriage Counseling Blog

This is a sequel to my earlier post about interesting ideas for kids’ gifts and activities.

Another suggestion is to visit all the NASA web sites.  Start with the main NASA site and go around to other sites as well. The NASA sites have age appropriate activities in all sorts of math and science geared to school standards. You can ask a NASA scientist a question, you can do the site in Spanish, you can post your ideas, and, if you’re a girl, you can see how women are succeeding in the space program and in other science careers. NASA material is free for use. Also, visit the Planetary Society’s site and the Mars Society’s site.
Read the rest of this article »

Christmas may have passed by the time this entry is posted.  Nevertheless, it’s always the season to think about getting toys for kids.  Birthday and anniversary presents and gifts for others are always needed.  I want to throw out some ideas that may not have occurred to you.

But, first, I want to raise another concern about which I will be writing later.  As you look for toys, you need to think about girl and boy stuff.  Are you choosing toys that “track” the children into stereotypical roles?  During the 1980s, there was an effort to try not to do that.  In the last twenty years, that has changed.  The result is a combination of tracking and non-tracking.  As you look in the aisles for choice objects, always think about what message you’re giving to the child.
Read the rest of this article »

The way people interpret their partner’s actions makes a big difference in the marriage. It’s important to remember that your assumptions aren’t always correct. There may be many other possible conclusions that can be drawn about your spouse’s behaviors. In fact, many people jump to the wrong conclusion. This can lead to people feeling hurt, angry, or saddened.

Take notice of how you interpret your partner’s behaviors. Do you ask for clarification? Do you jump to a conclusion? Misinterpretation often leads to miscommunication. Many arguments and disagreements in a marriage are due to incorrect assumptions.
Read the rest of this article »

In the last year or so, there has been a lot of media attention on a serious problem with kids—bullying.  Many children have committed suicide.  Others have gone into deep depression. On an adult level, we’ve seen deaths and injuries of young women and women who have had to experience hazing to be accepted. Several states have passed legislation against bullying at school.  The first place to stop this practice is at home.  It is the responsibility of the parents to create the right atmosphere.  Here are some suggestions. Read the rest of this article »

First, let me start out by saying thanks to all of those who followed us on Facebook!

Apparently we made a mistake when we created the page, so we had to make a new one because Facebook would not let us change it.

If you are still interested in following us on facebook, please like the new page, because the old one will be deleted soon. Here is the link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Healthy-Marriages/220148948065849

Anger can cause problems in a marriage. How people behave when they are angry can contribute to a breakdown in the marriage. Sometimes people don’t recognize that their anger is a problem. It can be helpful to spend some time thinking about how you handle your anger and how this impacts your relationship.

Think about how you feel when you are upset. What happens to you when you feel those angry and frustrated emotions? Sometimes people feel sad and angry at the same time. Other times, people just feel anger and rage. Consider what range of emotions you experience when you are angry. Read the rest of this article »

The decision about whether or not to seek fertility treatments is never an easy one to make. There are lots of things to consider. A couple who is having difficulty conceiving should weigh their options before automatically pursuing treatments.

Sometimes the stress of not being able to conceive can take a toll on a couple. It can make conception more difficult. It can also contribute to relationship problems. This makes having to make a major decision about treatment even more difficult. Read the rest of this article »

Winter is here for many of us.  Less sunlight, snow, clouds, rain, being shut in—these are the ingredients of a season that leads many of us to gloom. I have a few suggestions, but I want to preface my remarks by saying that I know many of us in this economy do not have all the resources to fight this gloom.  So here goes.

First, let us remember about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Lots of people have this; some do not; and others feel gloomy in the summer.   If you do experience SAD, you can address it by recognizing it as a problem. You should speak to your physician to see whether s/he recommends some all spectrum fluorescent lights as well as checking your Vitamin D levels and taking supplements. Read the rest of this article »

In my last post, I talked about some considerations that are often forgotten during the divorce.  There are lots more comments.  There is one serious comment I want to make, which has short, medium, and long-range consequences.

Part of it comes down to this:  divorcing people don’t think of all the issues to cover when they split.  Lawyers will often consider the children’s requirements in terms of money and some child care demands.  But they often can’t address the feelings that arise when a relationship falls apart and what happens when these feelings give rise to new needs.  Perhaps thinking about these feelings and needs before the split can help with some plans and forestall a lot of hurt and legal expenses. Read the rest of this article »

In the last post, I made some recommendations about how to begin thinking about what you should do when you and your partner are splitting.  I mentioned that there are some short, medium, and long range issues about which to think.  I want to make some general comments before going on.  These comments are made from my observations of doing therapy for couples for many years.

Unless you’re choosing to abandon your kids, your kids are with you forever.  Your financial agreements may say who pays for what through college, but you will be going to your child(ren)’s graduation and weddings and the births of their children as well.  You can expect to have fights over these down the line.  Just as important, you will have to decide how you both will handle seating arrangements at all events as well as holiday celebrations when your children are adults.  You can’t write these into your separation agreements—but you have to know that they’re going to happen. Read the rest of this article »

You and your partner have decided to split.  You have kids at home.  What should you be thinking about in terms of their short run, medium run, and long-term needs?  I raise this long question because I hear all sorts of stories as I counsel couples.  I also see children, both kids and adults, who are products of divorce.  And I follow the research as well.  I grant that the economy makes many choices difficult. Still, here are some tentative thoughts and suggestions. This is the first in a series of posts about this process.

The most important consideration is that the kids always come first.  You can’t and shouldn’t subject them to your difficulties with your partner.  Let me give you some examples. The first is the fighting and/or the cold hostility.  If you’re thinking about splitting, each of you should see a therapist and go to a counselor together.  Find out all the dimensions of your issues and how you are dealing with them, with each other and in front of the kids.  Have her/him help you reduce the bitterness and plan for the future as to what you’re going to do next. Read the rest of this article »

Discovering your spouse has had an affair can be devastating. Many couples don’t survive after an affair. The added stress, the emotional response, and the strain on the relationship can be too much for many couples to bear. Learning how to respond to the affair and deal with emotions is a determining factor in whether or not a relationship can survive. Allowing yourself to grieve what you’ve lost is an important part of moving forward.

Healing from an affair requires you to acknowledge what you’ve lost. Once you acknowledge what you’ve lost you can begin to grieve. Grief is the process by which people can start to heal. Read the rest of this article »

If you don’t purposely take time out of your schedule for your marriage, you might find that you don’t end up devoting enough time to your relationship. It’s important to plan for spending time together as a couple. Otherwise, you might find that time slips by without taking time out to renew your relationship.

Many couples get caught up in the demands of daily life. They may work hard and spend their spare time completing household chores, socializing with friends, taking care of their children, and unwinding in front of the television. Couples may feel like they spend plenty of time together but don’t really ever go on dates or spend time just focusing on each other. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people consider marriage counseling but don’t follow through with finding a counselor because they are uncertain. They wonder, can marriage counseling help with our problems? Do we really need marriage counseling? It is important to educate yourself about counseling if questions like these are preventing you from attending.

Marriage counseling can address a variety of problems and issues. Marriage counseling often doesn’t need to include both partners. If one partner isn’t interested in attending, an individual can certainly seek counseling to improve the relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes each person in a relationship tries to show why their preferences are superior. They may discuss how morally their choices are better. It’s important to respect one another’s preferences without determining that one is more superior to the other.

Look at some of the differences between your preferences and your spouse’s preferences. How do you like to spend your time? How do you like to spend your money? How do you discipline the children? How do you treat other people? Do you feel like your behaviors and preferences are morally better than your spouse’s? Read the rest of this article »

Nagging doesn’t work. Especially not in the long run. Yet many people still nag their spouse. Women, especially, are often guilty of nagging their husbands. There are some serious negative consequences of nagging that can cause marital problems.

Women often nag their husbands because they feel that if they don’t, their husband won’t get things done. In reality, if you treat your husband like a child, he’ll likely act like one. If you treat him like an adult, and allow him to take on responsibility for his own behaviors, he’ll most likely act like a grown up. Read the rest of this article »

When people are angry with themselves, their anger impacts all areas of their life. Feeling angry at yourself is going to interfere with relationships, work, and how you feel about yourself in general. If you’ve done something wrong, it’s important to learn how to deal with the consequences effectively.

When you’ve made a mistake, you might find yourself feeling angry. Perhaps you regret something that you did. Or maybe you regret something you didn’t do. How you respond to your angry feelings makes a big difference. Read the rest of this article »

There’s a recent movie called The Dilemma.  It’s about what happens when some guy’s buddy thinks about telling the truth about seeing his friend with a woman not his wife.  Should you always tell the truth?  What if the truth has unforeseen consequences?  Are you responsible—completely, partly?  Should you help or be required to pick up the pieces?  Here are some thoughts. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes one person in a relationship goes to great lengths to prevent natural consequences. This can lead to that person becoming stressed and overwhelmed. It can also cause resentment to build. Sometimes, it is okay to allow for natural consequences to run their course.

Wives especially seem to be guilty of trying to prevent consequences, but sometimes husbands are too. They may worry about everything, including the things their partner doesn’t notice or seem to care about. As a result, they spend their time trying to make sure things are “just the way they should be.” Then they feel exasperated by their spouse’s lack of motivation to help out. Read the rest of this article »

This is always a timely question, but particularly around the holiday season.  We will be going over to the houses of family and friends.  Somebody may be there who has hurt us deeply.  Should we let bygones be bygones, should we not go, or should we confront them?  These are some thoughts.

Not everyone is a saint.  Not everyone has the ability to forgive someone who has deeply hurt them from the past.  The question is this:  Is this all you think about?  Is your anger getting in your way?  Do you know why you can’t stop thinking about what had happened? Read the rest of this article »