The Marriage Counseling Blog

Sometimes people become complacent in their marriage. They think that their relationship isn’t all that fun or exciting, but it is comfortable. This can often happen after a few years of marriage. People choose to deal with this feeling differently. Some people separate believing that the grass is greener somewhere else. Other people accept mediocrity. And a small percentage of people work to improve their relationship.

Sometimes people settle for a mediocre marriage and accept that it just isn’t going to be great. They may assume that everyone else they know is “in the same boat.”  They resign themselves to a life of feeling bored with their partner. They may say things such as “at least she’s a good mother.” But the passion and fire are gone. Read the rest of this article »

What you think about impacts how you feel. The more you think about something that causes you to feel angry, the angrier you will feel. Thought stopping is an effective tool that can help you manage your anger.

When people feel angry, sometimes they tend to dwell on whatever caused them to feel that way. They ruminate about it. They re-play events in their mind over and over. They keep thinking about how upset they feel. The more they think about it, the more upset they become. Read the rest of this article »

When a couple experiences infertility, a variety of emotions and problems can result. Sadly, many couples fail to maintain intimacy during this time.  They may feel isolated as they try to deal with this painful and personal matter. Seeking support is very important when dealing with infertility.

Infertility causes a lot of stress. Sadly, many couples aren’t comfortable sharing their grief with friends, family and co-workers. Sometimes people feel ashamed or embarrassed. Other people try to avoid thinking and talking about it. Read the rest of this article »

When you have a problem, how do you tackle solving it? Research shows that men and women tend to tackle problem solving from different approaches. Women tend to take a more emotion-focused approach while men take a more problem-focused approach.

Think of the last time you were distressed. Perhaps you were angry with a co-worker or upset with a family member. How did you respond? Did you try to solve the problem or did you try to relieve your distress about the problem?
Read the rest of this article »

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Many people talk about creating a bucket list that includes all the things they want to do before they “kick the bucket.” However, many people set out with individual goals they want to reach. Others resign themselves to the fact that they won’t ever reach the goals and dreams they once had and they consider it to be too late. However, it looks like creating a bucket list together as a married couple can actually be a good thing for your marriage.

The first reason a bucket list can save a marriage is because it prevents boredom. Boredom causes a lot of couples to divorce. Boredom can slowly erode away at a couple’s marital satisfaction. Fighting boredom is one of the best ways to keep the spark alive in a relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Whether you struggle to manage your frustrations about traffic, have difficulty tolerating your spouse’s bad habits, or arrive home from work still angry, it’s important to learn skills to help you manage your anger. If you struggle to manage your anger it’s likely to impact your marriage in several different ways.

When people experience chronic or frequent low levels of anger, it causes stress hormones to be released. The fight-or-flight response in the body gets the brain ready for action during an emergency. However, people with anger management problems experience this reaction much more frequently than the average person. This can cause health problems due to the added stress this has on the body. Read the rest of this article »

Creating holiday traditions and rituals can be good for your marriage. Having special activities you do together can help you feel more like a cohesive unit. It can also help you create memories for years to come.

It’s important to look at your current holiday traditions. Do you have any? Sometimes people don’t even recognize that what they do is traditional. Perhaps it is going to Grandma’s house on Christmas Eve or attending a holiday party. Take a look at what you usually do during the holiday seasons. If you have difficulty thinking of any traditions you participate in, it is a great time to consider creating some traditions. Read the rest of this article »

Do you trust in your partner’s parenting skills? When you aren’t home do you feel secure in your partner doing a good job with the children? Or do you worry that your partner doesn’t do as good of a job as you do?

It’s imperative for the health of your marriage as well as for your children’s health that you and your partner have complete trust in each other’s parenting skills. Women often feel like they do a better job parenting. This can lead them to treat their husbands more like another child. Read the rest of this article »

Many people don’t ever seek counseling. Even people who are referred to therapy by a doctor often refuse to seek services. Unfortunately, many individuals and couples don’t get the help they need due to their attitudes about therapy. It’s important to look at your underlying concerns about therapy if you are hesitant to seek help.

Some people don’t seek counseling because they are afraid of what others will think about them. They worry that friends, family or the community might view them as crazy. They also worry that having a “mental health record” will impact their ability to get health or life insurance. They don’t want to be viewed as “crazy.” Read the rest of this article »

Dealing with depression can be difficult for any couple. If your spouse has been diagnosed with depression, it is important to take action to help your marriage. Just like if your spouse were diagnosed with a physical health problem, it is important to educate yourself if your spouse is diagnosed with a mental illness. Learning about depression can help you to have more empathy for your spouse and can teach you strategies to help cope with depression as a couple.

If your spouse has received a diagnosis of depression, support their efforts to seek treatment. Therapy and medication are often the best combination to treat depression. Offer to attend therapy sessions, doctor appointments, or anything else that helps your partner receive treatment. If your partner refuses treatment, consider therapy for yourself. Therapy can help you to learn about depression and strategies you can use to support your partner. Read the rest of this article »

Emotions are not something people think about very often. In fact, sometimes people become so far removed from thinking about their emotions they have difficulty identifying how they are feeling. Learning how to identify your feelings can help you regulate your emotions and your reactions, which can be helpful to your relationship.

Sometimes people can’t think of very many feeling words besides happy and sad. It isn’t important to know them all, but there are hundreds of positive and negative emotions. Sometimes it can be helpful to look up a list of feeling words and keep it handy. Then when you have difficulty recognizing your feelings, you can consult your list. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people claim, “I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work.” However, it’s unlikely they’ve tried everything. In fact, most people try one approach. And then they keep trying that same approach over and over.  When it doesn’t seem to be working, they just keep doing more of the same until they exhaust themselves.

If you are having marital difficulties, it’s important to analyze your role in the problem. What steps have you taken to try to improve the relationship? Are the steps you are taking working? If not, what have you done about it? Many people get caught in a cycle of repetitive behaviors and have difficulty breaking the cycle. Read the rest of this article »

When people want to manage their anger, they often ask, “Can medication help with anger?” The question doesn’t have a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, anger management problems may signify underlying issues that can be treated with medication. There is no “quick fix” for anger problems that will be cured with a pill, however.

If you have difficulty managing your anger, the first step in gaining treatment should be to see your primary care doctor. Your doctor can help rule out any underlying medical issues that may be contributing to your difficulties with managing your anger. Health issues, such as uncontrolled diabetes, can make it very difficult to regulate emotions. Read the rest of this article »

We just talked about how to prepare your somewhat older kids for the holiday visits.  What about your younger kids—newborns to four?  What can you do to prepare them and your family and friends for the visits?

The most important thing to remember is that little ones get easily overwhelmed.  A young child needs certainty, stability, safety and calmness.  The child is coming to a new household with many different people.  It may be for a relatively long time.  Many features of the environment are different.  Aside from the people – about whom I’ll talk shortly – smells, lights, colors, temperatures, water, and the very air may be quite unfamiliar and potentially disturbing.  Your child needs time to adjust to this new environment—and at a pace s/he can best handle.  As the parent, you should be aware of this and the best judge as to how to proceed. Read the rest of this article »

It’s holiday time and you’re going to take your kids to a Thanksgiving or holiday event.  You may be staying over for a period of time.  What should you do to prepare them for some of the possible tension?  What should you do to prepare your family and friends to deal with your kids?  Here are some suggestions.

Let’s take an example to start the conversation.  Aunt Mary hates Aunt Beth.  They haven’t talked for years.  Sometimes it flares up into the open.  This year they’re both invited to the dinner.  And you’ve decided to take the kids and go. Read the rest of this article »

It is healthy to have a certain level of autonomy in every relationship. However, sometimes when a marriage is not going well, people decide to increase their independence. At times, this increased independence can be confused with disconnecting from the marriage.

Independence in a relationship means you have taken personal responsibility for your own happiness. This might mean that you spend time with friends and family. It may mean that you choose to do so even when your spouse doesn’t want to. It may mean that you pursue your interests and hobbies. It may also include working toward some individual goals. Read the rest of this article »

It is important to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors. It is equally important not to feel responsible for your spouse’s feelings and behaviors. Keeping these rules in perspective will help set healthy boundaries for your marriage.

If you have difficulty controlling your anger, it isn’t your spouse’s fault. Even if your partner behaves rudely, obnoxiously, or disrespectfully, it doesn’t give you permission to behave badly. It is up to you to regulate your emotions and behave in a respectful manner. Hold yourself to a high standard of behavior at all times, even if your spouse isn’t. Read the rest of this article »

If you want couples counseling but your spouse refuses, what should you do? You have a few options in how you respond. Your response to your partner’s refusal can have a big impact on the relationship.It is important to carefully consider your options.

If you have been discussing couples counseling, clearly you must want some change to occur in your marriage. Therefore, individual therapy for yourself may still be a good option for you. Even if your partner doesn’t want counseling, seeking therapy for yourself can still be helpful. Depending your goals and needs, it’s likely that you can still learn some new skills and strategies that can help your marriage. Read the rest of this article »

Whether your parents committed a minor infraction or a major one, the inability or unwillingness to forgive them can have serious consequences. Holding a grudge against them will impact your marriage. Even if you don’t talk to your parents, your anger toward them still plays a bigger role in your life than you’d like to think. Whether you hold a grudge from childhood or your angry about something your mother did last week, learning how to forgive is important.

In order for a marriage to be healthy, there needs to be a healthy separation between the couple and their parents. This means that you can make decisions independently from your parents, don’t rely on them for your emotional or financial support, and can side with your partner against your parents if necessary. Read the rest of this article »