The Marriage Counseling Blog

Many people report that they started out as friends with their spouse prior to getting married. However, over the years this friendship seems to change. Some people think that once you get married you are no longer “friends.” However, it is very healthy to keep up on the friendship aspect of your marriage.

When a couple works together on day-to-day details of their lives, sometimes the friendship part of the relationship gets lost. Paying bills, raising children, and managing the household can make the relationship more like a business, rather than a friendship. Couples begin to spend their spare time talking about who is going to pick up the kids, how to get the car fixed, problems with the house, and the weekly schedule. Although these topics may be important to discuss, it shouldn’t end there. Read the rest of this article »

Cheering for your partner is an important part of the marriage. Everyone can benefit from some well-meaning words of encouragement in life. And showing that you are your partner’s number one fan can mean a lot.

Encouraging your partner is also cheering for the relationship. Marriage should not be about competition or jealousy. Instead, it needs to be about wishing that your partner is happy and successful. This might mean that they get to be the center of attention and you might feel “out shined.” But true teamwork means that you are willing to accept your role as the cheerleader when your partner is working.
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Coming home from work after a hard day can lead to a stressful evening. Staying at home with the children all day can be just as stressful and evenings may bring more stress. For couples who experience a lot of stress when they are apart, it is important to learn how to relieve your stress and unwind at the end of the day together.

Unfortunately, a stressful day can cause people to be irritable, tired, and frustrated when they are home. It can cause increased conflict and arguments, furthering a person’s stress. When work is stressful and home becomes stressful, it makes for a difficult life. Read the rest of this article »

Romance and sex can go out the window once couples have children. Young children can be exhausting and can prevent your ability to have privacy. Lack of time, energy, and libido can zap the romance from the marriage. However, lack of intimate alone time can cause long-term damage to the marriage.

Don’t be afraid to set limits with your children. Install a lock on your bedroom door if your door doesn’t have one already. Children as young as two can learn the importance of privacy. Older children can be told that you are spending time alone in the bedroom. Although they will likely figure out what is going on as they grow older, it is healthy for children to know their parents love one another. Read the rest of this article »

How often do you discuss your marital issues? Even good marriages have issues that should be discussed. However, many couples avoid talking about them.

Women are more likely than men to bring up marital issues in the first place. Often when issues are brought up, the conversation is shut down quickly. Men tend to be more likely to avoid discussing difficult marriage topics. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples report that most of their arguments are about the same things over and over. These sorts of arguments often don’t ever get resolved and the same subject keeps coming up. It is important to take a look at your arguments to see what patterns you notice.

Where do most of your arguments happen? Do you tend to argue the most over the phone? Maybe when you are at work and you call home you tend to get into arguments? Or maybe you argue the most when you are both in the kitchen trying to prepare dinner. Or perhaps while you are in public or in the car you argue a lot. Read the rest of this article »

How do you respond to your partner’s criticisms and complaints? Do you become defensive and aren’t able to tolerate hearing it? Does it get in the way of solving problems?

Learning to listen to what your partner says is important. However, people who have difficulty accepting criticism often begin to prepare their defense rather than evaluate their responsibility. This can make the conversation change from discussing your partner’s concerns that you don’t help out around the house to discussing who works the hardest at their job. Read the rest of this article »

When you need help and your feelings are hurt, or you want to see something change, how do you communicate these issues to your partner?  How you communicate these issues makes a big difference to the relationship and how your partner is likely to feel and respond.

Criticism often places all of the blame on the other person. It usually looks at a situation globally instead of addressing a specific situation. For example, saying, “You never do anything around the house,” when the other person didn’t do the dishes today. Criticism often begins with phrases such as “you never” or “you always.” Read the rest of this article »

When determining a budget, many couples ask if they should keep separate checking accounts. Studies show that most couples who are entering into a second marriage do keep almost all of their money separate. However, how do you share your life together while not sharing your money?

Being married means sharing in the responsibilities of managing a budget. This means sharing money with one another and making financial decisions based on what is best for the family. Factors such as who makes the most money shouldn’t impact the budget. Instead, the major financial decisions should be made together. Read the rest of this article »

Resentment doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it grows slowly over time. Resentment becomes a serious barrier to a happy, loving marriage. It is important to deal with difficult feelings as they arise so that resentment does not build.

When people experience unpleasant feelings, there are a variety of ways to deal with them. One method is to repress these feelings. Repressed feelings do not get expressed. Instead, people push them aside and just don’t deal with them. Over time, these repressed feelings can slowly build, causing resentment. Read the rest of this article »

When you and your partner talk about making changes, it is important to make it clear what is negotiable and what isn’t. Tell your partner what you are willing to work on and what you aren’t planning to change. This can help reduce a lot of conflict, if you make it clear.

Dan and Melissa had been married for one year. Dan had found his job shortly before the couple got married and it was his first big job after he graduated from grad school. Dan worked long hours and this bothered Melissa. They often argued about this topic. Melissa told Dan he needed to be home more often. Dan felt she was being unreasonable and didn’t understand the demands of his job. Read the rest of this article »

How much do you depend on your spouse for your personal happiness? Although your spouse should play an integral role in helping you develop a happy and healthy lifestyle, depending on your spouse for this will likely lead to disappointment.

Lisa and Ryan were married for four years. Marriage wasn’t what Lisa had anticipated. She found herself feeling bored, lonely, and frustrated much of the time. She sought counseling because she was becoming depressed. Read the rest of this article »

How much of your property are you willing to share? Many people say “what’s mine is yours,” however, they don’t behave this way. Do you get joy out of sharing your belongings with your spouse?

If you get married young before you have any real assets, it can feel much easier to share whatever you have. Sharing a used car, some old furniture, and a laptop probably isn’t that hard. However, if you get married later in life, it can be more difficult. Read the rest of this article »

I don’t want to get into a debate over causes of  obesity and all the reasons why people become overweight.  I do have some thoughts about helping in terms of weight control.  For many years I have been working on doing psychological assessments for people who are thinking of going through  gastric bypass or laparoscopic surgery as well as counseling people  with eating disorders.  So, here are some thoughts. 

First, be sure to always check with your physician before proceeding: Read the rest of this article »

Determining what role your friends will play in your life after you’re married can be difficult for some people. Perhaps, you always spent Friday night with your pals and you wonder, should this continue? Or maybe you struggle to deal with the amount of time your spouse spends with friends. Learning to set healthy boundaries for the relationship while maintaining close friendships can require a balance.

Lori had brunch every Saturday with her good friend. Her husband, Bob, was surprised that this continued after they were married. Lori let him know that this was important to her and that she planned to continue. Bob was saddened that she did not plan to spend the time with him as he had pictured the two of them sleeping in and reading the paper together on the weekends. Read the rest of this article »

What adjectives would you use to describe your spouse? How would you describe his personality? His behaviors? His attitude and outlook on life? The way you view your partner can have a big impact on the marriage.

Carl and Ashley had been married for four years. Carl liked things to be neat and orderly, while Ashley didn’t mind clutter. Carl always liked to be on time, but Ashley didn’t mind being fashionably late. Carl worked hard seeking new opportunities at work while Ashley focused more on enjoying her current position rather than trying to climb the corporate ladder.  Read the rest of this article »

Years ago I was part of a couple.  We were friends with another couple.  We thought of sharing a house.  So, we went to some meetings and shared a suite.  I put the newspaper I was reading down on my bed.  That offended the woman in the other couple. “You just don’t do that!—you put it on the desk!  Where we you raised?” That was the last we thought about sharing a house!  We all still remained friends, however. But it raises the question: if it’s hard for two people to go out together, live together, or take a trip together, can four?  Or two couples?  (We’re not talking about business obligations here.) Some ideas…

You and your partner need to find out what you like and dislike about each other before proceeding to the outside world.  As a couple, you tend to do things your own way.  To an extent, you live in your own created bubble.  So you need to ask yourselves:  what kinds of foods do I/we like?  How much do I/we like cleanliness and order (or the opposite—however you define it!)  How structured and flexible do I/we have to be?  How much money do I/we like to spend?  Tip?  How do I/we like to dress—or not! Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes a person decides that he’s married the wrong person. He thinks the marriage cannot be saved because he and his wife have too many differences. He thinks he made a mistake when he got married and must have been so blinded by his infatuation that he overlooked her flaws. He stays married to her after he’s come to this conclusion and spends his time gathering evidence to further support his claim that they are incompatible.

He becomes annoyed by her frequently. Her irritating behaviors seem to be magnified. He finds it difficult to spend time with her.When they do spend time together, they usually argue, which reinforces his thought that they are incompatible. He continues with these patterns until he gathers enough evidence to prove he is justified in his decision to end the marriage. Read the rest of this article »

How much do you trust that your spouse can make good decisions? Do you ever worry that in your absence, your spouse will not make good decisions? Do you tend to argue about the choices your spouse has made? If you don’t trust that your partner can make good decisions, it is important to examine why not.

Think about how your partner handles situations related to business, money, taking care of household tasks, and parenting. How much do you value his opinion when it comes to making decisions? Do you trust that he can handle things on his own? When you aren’t home, do you call to remind him what do do or check in to make sure he’s still on track? Read the rest of this article »

First, a disclaimer:  I do not have any financial investment nor do I profit from the movies or TV shows I’m going to recommend in this post.  There are two movies going around right now that I think raise issues for heterosexual couples and their children that are worth bringing to your attention.   They raise issues of fidelity, generations, mid-life crises, and gender differences. Since both are comedies, you might as well enjoy them.

The first is “Date Night”, with Steve Carrel and Tina Fey.  They cover this couples’ relationship in a high stress situation.  The story line implicitly deals with the ways in which women and men talk and have different roles.  Read the rest of this article »