The Marriage Counseling Blog

Some marriages develop into relationships where one spouse becomes more like a parent rather than an equal partner. One person clearly becomes “in charge” and makes the majority of the decisions. The other person’s opinions are not taken into consideration and he is treated like a child.

Bob and Jane had been married for ten years. Jane lacked self-confidence and early on in the marriage she often sought Bob’s approval prior to making any opinions. As the marriage progressed, Bob began discounting her opinions. He took over the finances and often became critical of her in a variety of different ways. Read the rest of this article »

When people become emotional, they sometimes overreact. They may behave in ways they normally wouldn’t. Perhaps they behave irrationally or say things that just don’t make much sense. Despite their emotions being high, they still have that voice of reason somewhere in the back of their head. However, people sometimes choose to ignore it.

For example, an argument breaks out between a couple. He states that he is going to be late coming home from work tomorrow. She yells at him and tells him that he should spend more time with her and that he clearly doesn’t care about her. He states that he does care, but has a lot of work to do lately and once he’s finished with his current project he’ll be home at his regular time again. Read the rest of this article »

A client came in recently and mentioned that his wife was spaced out.  Why?  Her sister has cancer. He said he was doing the best he could to deal with his wife.  I asked him what he wanted.  He looked surprised.  Why?  Because she’s your sister in law. You must have feelings about her.  When difficult events happen, we all need help.  Here are some suggestions.

Let me use the above example.  I asked him if he liked his sister in law.  Yes.  So, what can help you?  I don’t know.  Do you want more hugs?  More cuddles?  Do you want your wife asking you how you feel about what’s happening?  Yes, he said.  So, ask her!  Anything else?  Like what?  Well, do you need to spend more time alone or with your wife?  More time with my wife.  Would you like to go out for coffee more?  That would be wonderful.  Anything more?  Well, there’s a new yogurt shop.  So, go for a walk! Read the rest of this article »

The boundaries that a couple sets with their extended family and friends is very important to the relationship. A couple who doesn’t set enough boundaries may feel frustrated when others infringe on their rights as a couple. A couple with too many boundaries may feel isolated. Determining how to set appropriate boundaries for your marriage can help you stay connected as a couple.

Boundary issues often revolve around time. For example, a friend asks to sleep on your couch until she “gets back on her feet.” Would you say yes? How long would you let her stay? Allow her to overstay her welcome and you risk your spouse becoming resentful. Not allowing her to stay at all may risk the friendship and cause you to feel bad for not sharing your good fortune. Read the rest of this article »

Building and maintaining a relationship with your spouse’s family requires some work. Research studies show that having a good relationship with your in-laws can make for a happier marriage. If you haven’t had a good relationship with your in-laws, it’s not too late to work on repairing the relationship.

Focus on what you have in common with your in-laws. You both love the same person. They may show their love differently than you do or in ways that you don’t always approve of. However, try to remember that they do love your spouse and are trying to negotiate an adult relationship with their married child. Read the rest of this article »

Finding a marriage counselor can be tricky if you don’t know what you’re looking for. There’s lots of different types of counselors and all the initials after people’s names can be confusing. Some people avoid entering into counseling because they don’t know where to start.

Counselor credentials include titles such as LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), LPC (licensed professional counselor), LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), and psychologists (Ph.D., Psy.D.).  A licensed therapist should have a master’s degree at the minimum, or a doctorate degree. Their training may vary slightly but they should all have similar basic knowledge. Read the rest of this article »

There are some tips and strategies that can help you maximize the benefits you will receive from marriage counseling. If you and your spouse have agreed to go to counseling together, it is important to have realistic expectations of counseling and a clear idea on how to benefit from treatment.

Think about what you are willing to change. Unfortunately, many people enter into couples counseling hoping that their spouse will change. They gather evidence to show the therapist how the other person is “wrong.” This is counterproductive. Instead, focus on yourself and changes you are willing to make. Read the rest of this article »

This post is for both you and your partner:  You ought to know about each other’s health and be involved in it.  Let me tell you why and what you should do now and in the future.

One of my clients came to me and was concerned, not about his sex life, but his wife’s.  She is not turned on.  Why?  Well, she’s in a lot of pain.  What’s the pain from?  Well, I guess she has a bad back and she has arthritis.  What kind of arthritis?  I don’t know.  What’s she doing for it?  She tries to keep warmer.  Anything else?   I don’t know.  BTW, are you angry and/or upset about not having as much sex?  I guess so.  But I try to put it out of my mind. Read the rest of this article »

All couples face various stressors throughout their lives. Many major points of stress are caused by major life transitions. Difficulty dealing with these stressors can have a negative impact on the marriage if they are not dealt with successfully.

For many couples, milestones that cause stress include the birth of a child, caring for an elderly parent, the death of a loved one, continuing education and relocating. Various changes during child rearing can be stressful as well, such as the teenage years. How couples work together during these times impacts the viability of the marriage.

Learn some stress reduction skills. Learning how to relax or meditate can be helpful. Self-care is very important during times of stress. Make sure you are getting 7-8 hours of sleep and that you are eating well. If you are not fueling your body appropriately, dealing with stress becomes even more difficult. Also try to exercise regularly. Read the rest of this article »

Have you ever looked at where your time goes? Most people seem to underestimate how much leisure time they have. Research studies indicate most people have more leisure time now than ever before. However, people seem to be busy with technology and report feeling they don’t have enough time to get things done. Where do you spend your time and how much time do you devote to your spouse and the marriage?

People’s priorities often become evident when you look at how they spend their time. How do you spend your evenings and weekends? Are you watching television and playing on the computer more than you are talking to your spouse? Do you talk on the phone and visit with friends and family more than you talk to your spouse? Read the rest of this article »

A new client raised the issue of betrayal.

“I’ve been married for all these years and she has men friends and they go off like it’s on a date.  She says it’s all in my head.  What should I do?”

What should we all do?  Here are some suggestions.

The most important answer is that you should be talking to each other in a safe place with a referee/therapist.  Something’s going on in you, her or him, and in the relationship.  Obviously, by going to a therapist, you realize something’s going on.  Are you sure you know all of it?  Your part in it?  Her/his part?  Are you right, wrong, oversensitive?  Are you reacting to “bad stuff” from your past?  Is she or he acting on their “bad stuff”?  That’s why you go to therapy—especially before suspicions escalate, before there’s danger of violence, before the kids and pets are traumatized. Read the rest of this article »

Many people find that their marriage is in trouble, but only after realizing it’s been in trouble for a long time.  Sometimes by the time couples seek therapy, they aren’t even really looking for help. They seem to be looking for permission to get divorced. Waiting too long to get help can be detrimental.

Sometimes people just develop an attitude of acceptance that their marriage is bad and they assume everyone else’s is too. They assume they will just remain unhappily married. However, over time, they grow increasingly dissatisfied with life, and not just the marriage. Then, eventually, they decide they can’t take it anymore. However, by then, sometimes their feelings toward their spouse have become hardened and their behaviors toward their spouse have been quite unkind. Read the rest of this article »

What could you do differently to be a better partner than you already are? If you think you’re doing “good enough” it’s likely you aren’t interested in making any changes. Part of being a good spouse means you are always striving to improve and find things you can change.

Try to take a look at your behaviors and attitudes in the marriage. What areas could you improve on? Do you work well with your partner in some areas but not others? Read the rest of this article »

Differences in parenting ideas can be a major source of conflict for many couples. People often have different views about what strategies work best. They also have different ideas about parenting philosophies in general.

Parenting requires a lot of flexibility and parents must learn to adapt to their changing needs. Each child may respond very differently to the rules and expectations. Often, what works with one child does not work with another. As children grow, some parenting strategies become less effective. Clashes about parenting can create ongoing marital difficulties if they are not dealt with successfully. Read the rest of this article »

Many people seem to settle for a mediocre marriage. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t great. Some describe it as comfortable. They recognize that it would never be considered one of the “greatest loves of all time” and they are okay with that.

Having a lukewarm marriage isn’t all that fulfilling. It becomes more like having a roommate. Or a business partner who lives in the house. There’s no passion. The excitement is gone. And it certainly isn’t satisfying and fun. Read the rest of this article »

Have you ever stopped to think what it is that makes you feel loved? Many people know whether or not they feel loved but don’t spend much time reflecting on what that actually means. It is important to recognize what actually makes you feel loved by your partner and then communicate this to your spouse. Providing feedback about what makes you feel loved can help reinforce the behaviors from your spouse that are helpful.

Physical affection makes some people feel loved. This might mean holding hands, sitting together on the couch, sexual intimacy or hugging and kissing. For other people, this is just part of the routine and doesn’t ignite any particular feelings of being loved. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people offer apologies or make self-deprecating statements as a defense mechanism. This can cause difficulties in the relationship when it interferes with communication and problem solving. Learning to recognize this as a defense mechanism and a barrier to resolving the issue can help people develop a strategy to respond to this. People who use this tactic benefit from learning new skills to deal with their distress.

Amanda and John had been married for three years. Whenever John would bring up a concern or an issue, Amanda would immediately blame herself. John tried to talk to her one day about their budget. She was guilty of splurging at times when they couldn’t afford it. As soon as he brought up the subject of money she said, “I know, I spend too much. I’m sorry. I just can’t help it. I always mess everything up all the time. I’m such an idiot.” Soon, John found himself consoling her and trying to convince her she was a good person. This pattern repeated itself frequently. John thought she had low self-esteem and he thought that he was responding appropriately by trying to tell her she’s a good person. However, their issues never got resolved. Read the rest of this article »

In terms of doing therapy, one of the major issues clients face is dealing with their pride.  Should a person apologize and admit that they made a mistake?  Should a person take a job at a lower pay than s/he made before?  Should someone go out of their way to help someone when that person has been hurtful?  What I usually hear is, “I have my pride.  So I can’t.”  But the issue is larger than that.  Are there ways to maintain one’s self respect and be flexible?  Here are some examples and suggestions.

One of my clients has a teenage boy.  Like the cartoon character Zits in the comic strip of the same name, he eats an extraordinary amount.  And he doesn’t do it consistently.  Mom came in and said she was broke.  How was she going to feed him?  And was all this food good for him? Read the rest of this article »

Acts of aggression can be very damaging to the marriage. Aggression does not just include physical aggression. Aggression includes verbal altercations, threats, or even intimidating looks. Any behavior used to get your partner to “back down” can be considered aggressive. Aggression often causes one person to seek control over making decisions and it becomes impossible for the couple to work together as a team.

People who behave aggressively often do not know how to manage their anger effectively. They use aggressive behaviors to get their way and often do not care about meeting the other person’s needs. Their behaviors show that they only care about meeting their own needs, even at other people’s expense. Read the rest of this article »

Should you take your child(ren) to a restaurant?  Which  restaurant?  When?    Yes, this is a touchy subject.  There was a restaurant in Pennsylvania recently featured in the news that banned kids under 6.  Is this a good idea?  And—what should you do when you take your child(ren) to a restaurant?

You need to know your child first.  Is your child being breast fed?  Is the restaurant “liberated” for this act?  Are you going to be the trail blazer?  Is your child up to it?  Do you want to put your child and children through the experience of being asked to leave? Read the rest of this article »