The Marriage Counseling Blog

Very recently I heard an interview on the Australian Broadcasting Company with Michelle Mitchell.  She talked about teenage girls—what they think and how parents can best work with them. As you will see, she has researched these girls in Australia, which shows how common these patterns are. I want to share her thoughts with you and refer you to some websites as well.

Mitchell says that this generation of teenage girls is different from earlier generations. Because they have so much sophisticated technology they are able to keep more things hidden from their parents.  They can create a hidden world where they only talk to people like themselves.  They live in a more sexualized world with drugs and alcohol; moreover, there is more extensive bullying than in previous years. Read the rest of this article »

Mood disorders refer to various depressive disorders and bipolar disorders. Coping with a spouse who has a mood disorder is similar to living with a spouse who has a life-long physical health condition, such as diabetes. For some people, depression can improve and the person does not experience any further episodes of depression. Other types of depression may get better and then re-occur.

Bipolar remains a life-long illness and people with bipolar may exhibit similar symptoms to someone with depression. Other people with bipolar exhibit manic episodes where they may act impulsively, and sometimes dangerously. Read the rest of this article »

Money is one of the biggest sources of stress for most couples. Yet, most couples don’t ever seek any help for financial problems.  Often, people say they aren’t sure who to even turn to. Most people feel they can question therapy help with financial problems.

For people who have straightforward financial questions, it likely makes sense to talk to an accountant or financial planner. They can answer questions such as “How much should I save for retirement?” or “Where should I invest my money.” However, many financial problems are much more complicated. Read the rest of this article »

The news has been sharing stories about states legalizing the use of GPS tracking devices to track your spouse’s whereabouts. It’s an interesting concept that a person would go so far to check up on their partner that they would track their movements. People who feel jealous sometimes exhibit desperate behaviors to see if their partner is cheating on them.

There is a big difference between feelings and behaviors. Feeling jealous sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing. It is just a feeling. Read the rest of this article »

At some point, you need to talk to your aging parents about everything—their plans, their desires, their assets, their past.  You can’t delay the conversation. Here are some of the topics you need to cover and some tips on how to proceed.

You first need to think about your relationships with your parents.  I’m speculating on the premise that they are good, because, if they’re not, everything gets messy.

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As people grow up and view married couple’s relationships, they develop beliefs about married life. These lead to the development about expectations of marriage. These expectations and beliefs can impact how we behave and react during the marriage.

Someone who grew up seeing happy, healthy relationships all around may expect that marriage life creates happiness. If the person’s parents never seemed to fight and always talked about how great the marriage was, the child may grow up thinking that married people are always happy. This can lead to an unrealistic expectation that married life will bring joy and happiness all the time. Read the rest of this article »

Everyone’s heard that you “shouldn’t fight in front of the kids.” However, is this really sound advice? Without ever doing so, how do the kids learn how to resolve conflict. Parents always tell kids, “don’t fight with your brother” or “stop fighting with your sister.” Kids are told not to do it and parents don’t role model how to do it because they are only managing conflict behind closed doors.

Obviously, disagreements should only be handled in front of the children if you can do so in a civil manner. Threats of physical violence, name calling, yelling, and aggression can be traumatic for kids to witness. Any acts of domestic violence in front of children constitutes emotional abuse. So if your conflict crosses the line, make sure that you don’t expose your children to it. Read the rest of this article »

There have been many news stories of late about the dangers of Internet addiction.  I recently wrote about sexual relationships.  That post struck a chord with many of you. Are there other dangers?  Let’s proceed carefully…

As with any other kind of medium, there’s a research that suggests that certain kinds of computer interactions can change your mind.  You can wind up thinking differently—in the same way we thought differently when we learned to use written language.  Computer interactions can excite your hormone and mental systems as well.  You can get “high” on your computer. Read the rest of this article »

Despite the negative consequences of divorce, many couples don’t ever attempt marriage counseling prior to divorcing. Often, the fear about not knowing what to expect makes people shy away from attempting therapy. It can be helpful to know what to expect from therapy prior to scheduling an appointment.

It is important to find a therapist that both you and your spouse will feel comfortable talking to. If you don’t feel like you can tell the truth and share personal information openly, therapy is not likely to help. Although the therapist will likely challenge some of your beliefs and assign some work for you to try, it is important to feel respected by the therapist. Read the rest of this article »

Thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side can impact all areas of your life, including your relationships. Many people have the mentality that life would be better if… These sorts of thoughts can ensure that you will feel less satisfied with your current situation.

Some people think, “My life would be better if I were single.” These sorts of thoughts can be dangerous to a marriage. People sometimes daydream of divorce or separation. They envision themselves enjoying life as a single person by picturing having more money, more freedom and more fun. These thoughts can make being single seem tempting. 
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Do we all have the same sex drives throughout our lives?  What happens when we’re a couple and one person wants more sex?  What happens when one person no longer wants sex?  These are crucial issues for each person and for both people inside the relationship.  Let’s proceed carefully, with sensitivity.

Begin with one person first.  How old is the person?  What has happened in terms of life changes?  For example, a woman who has given birth may not want sex for a substantial period of time after the birth.  The necessities of taking care of the new child, or children, and having her body adjust to the post-birth period may make her too tired and preoccupied.  So, too, may the demands of running a household or maintaining a job or looking for a job or worrying about money.  Similarly, a man whose partner may have given birth may be preoccupied with many of the same job, household, and money worries. So, no one may be in the mood for sex.
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Almost everyone has witnessed someone making fun of their spouse. Although the person may do so in a joking or teasing manner, it can still be awkward to witness. Sometimes a person tends to pick on a spouse in public. Other times it happens behind closed doors.

Ask yourself if you are ever guilty of belittling or picking on your spouse. Ridiculing is more fun than teasing. Instead, it means picking your spouse apart. It may involve doing so in front of others, perhaps your spouse’s parents or other friends. Do you ever say something like, “guess how dumb Susie is? This is what she did the other day…” Or perhaps after hearing a story about a husband who completed a home improvement project, you chime in and say, “Matt doesn’t even know what a screwdriver is used for.” Such cutting remarks can be damaging. Read the rest of this article »

So you’re thinking of taking your family to another country?  What should you do to prepare your kids for this trip?  Let me suggest some ideas for your offspring.  I’m going to try to fit these ideas for kids of different ages.  I will tell you what my wife and I did. If you tell me your kids’ ages, I can help you plan even better.

The first step my wife and I took was to give everyone enough lead time to plan for and get excited about the prospect of travel to another country.  We didn’t want to pop up the idea all at once and say, “Gee, we’re going.”
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As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes problems within the marriage can be solved by flipping a coin. If there’s an issue that needs to get resolved sooner rather than later and a discussion about it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, this method can be helpful. Obviously, you won’t want to use this method to resolve any major issues such as whether or not to have another child, but it can be effective for solving smaller issues such as where to go on vacation.

Set a time limit to discuss a problem. For example, decide that for the next 30 minutes you and your spouse will discuss your options. Give each other time to voice your opinions and concerns. If you can’t decide at the end of 30 minutes, flip a coin and leave it up to chance. Most people, don’t like flipping a coin, and much of the time this causes them to resolve the issue within 30 minutes so they don’t get to that point. This also makes a lot of people ensure those 30 minutes are productive as they want to use each minute wisely so they don’t remain undecided and have to flip the coin. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples argue about the same things over and over. It isn’t productive when people argue about the same things without making any changes. It can be helpful to switch responsibilities sometimes as an attempt to turn things around and make some changes. Switching things up can sometimes be enough to help solve the problem.

For example, if you argue each month about the household budget, look at what you can do to switch things up. If one person tends to do all the grocery shopping and meal planning, have the other person take over two weeks out of the month. Then determine if there are other places to make some changes that may or may not make things better but will be more productive than arguing about it. Read the rest of this article »

Parents, do you know what age appropriate behavior is?  Do you know how to help your teen behave appropriately?  Do you know what kind of activities s/he should be doing?  Do you know how to be effective in enforcing rules?  Here are some suggestions.

First, remember you were once a teenager.  Try to remember what you experienced during that time.  What kinds of rules did your parents set?  What kinds of activities did they suggest to you? How did they encourage you?  Punish you?  How did you react?  What worked for you and what didn’t work?  I would suggest that you and your partner compare notes and figure out where you differ in terms of rules, bars, punishment, and successes.  Discuss how you might compromise and act as a team together—you don’t want your child playing you off against each other. Read the rest of this article »

A lot of people have phobias. To people who don’t have a phobia, it can be hard to understand. People develop phobias about a variety of things such as spiders, elevators, heights, blood, or airplanes. A phobia becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with a person’s daily life. For example, a person who is afraid of elevators may refuse to go any place where taking the stairs is not an option.

If your spouse has a phobia, it can be confusing and, at times, frustrating. Learning how to respond to your spouse’s phobias can be helpful. There are some strategies you can use to help your spouse as well.
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Arguing just doesn’t work.  We all believe that we are logical and therefore a logical argument should work.  When was the last time in the middle of an argument that you provided a very logical reason why you are right and your spouse just stopped and agreed with you?  Time is up.  Couldn’t think of it, could you?  Making logical arguments in the middle of an argument is therefore illogical.  Doing the same action over and over and expecting a different result is what?  That’s right: insanity.

I am not saying the arguing is inherently wrong; I am simply asserting that it is not effective.  For the most part, during an argument, our goal is to be heard and understood.  How likely is it that we will meet that goal if we create an environment where the person gets defensive?  We as humans don’t like to be wrong.  We will argue even if we are wrong; this is human nature. Read the rest of this article »

Unfortunately, there are times in a marriage when one person is unhappy in the relationship. Yet, when asked how the person’s spouse feels about the marriage, the other spouse is often content with the way things are. So then the question becomes, can one person making changes make a difference in the relationship?

Sometimes when a person feels like there is no sense in making any changes if his/her significant other won’t change. However, this attitude is the one way to guarantee the relationship won’t be better. If one person makes some changes, it will likely force some changes within the relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Traveling with younger kids can be a trial.  But the verdict can be favorable to the whole family—here are some tips.

For those who can afford it, many newer cars have entertainment centers in the back for children.  Not that the children aren’t already amusing themselves with all sorts of handheld devices, which cost substantially less than a newer model car. There are some other ideas that don’t involve shelling out more money. Read the rest of this article »