The Marriage Counseling Blog

Sometimes simply acknowledging a problem can be the biggest step toward reaching a solution. Often, couples who schedule their first therapy session report improvements in the marriage even prior to attending their first appointment. Couples who start facing their problems and identifying problems have the ability to start resolving the issues.

If you know that your marriage is less than what you hope for, don’t ignore this. Don’t be afraid to look at the potential your relationship has. Ask yourself some questions – What would make my marriage better? What would happen if my marriage improved? How would my life be different if our relationship were great? What would be doing differently if we have a wonderful marriage? Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people feel like their relationship is not going to ever get any better. And when people think their marriage won’t ever get any better, they start to behave as if there marriage won’t get any better. When people behave this way, it ensures that their marriage won’t ever get better.

When people lower their expectations and become resigned to the fact that things won’t get better, it becomes this sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  Take a look at your thoughts and behaviors to learn how this impacts your relationship. Do you expect things to get better and work toward making change? Or have you decided things are as good as they ever will be and don’t even attempt to improve your situation? Read the rest of this article »

Insecure people tend to seek constant reassurance. This can be difficult for the spouse. Sometimes verbal affirmations just don’t seem to be enough no matter how many times they are repeated. This can be stressful for a marriage.

Insecurities can come in several different forms. Sometimes people are self-conscious about their appearance. Imagine a woman who feels she is unattractive and constantly seeks approval from her husband. In the absence of a daily compliment she feels unloved and ugly. She worries her husband will find a more attractive woman. The husband in this case may feel frustrated that despite repeatedly telling his wife she is beautiful, she doesn’t seem to believe him. He may grow tired of constantly trying to convince her she is attractive.

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Many people think, “I’d only be happy if…” When it comes to a marriage, many people place the responsibility for their mood on their spouse. Someone might think their life could be better if things were different. The danger of having these thoughts about your spouse is that it takes away your personal responsibility for making yourself happy.

Have you ever experienced thoughts such as, “I’d be happier if my spouse wasn’t so grumpy.” Or “I’d have a better life if my spouse wasn’t so lazy.” Or perhaps you’ve placed blame with thoughts such as “my spouse’s attitude puts me in a bad mood.” Or maybe you blame your marital problems on your spouse by thinking, “I wouldn’t have to argue so much if it weren’t for my spouse.” Such thoughts are going to make you feel discouraged about your situation. When people experience these types of thoughts it makes them feel hopeless. Read the rest of this article »

Should you ask your therapist what your diagnosis is?  Would you feel better or worse knowing it?  Would it enhance or break your trust with your therapist?  Here are some serious thoughts and tips.

Let’s start backwards here.  Therapists must tell you what your diagnosis is to the limits of your ability to understand it.  This includes children and developmentally delayed people as well.  That diagnosis, or those diagnoses, should include a treatment plan—a way forward—with a rough timeline and a sense of the pitfalls. You should also know that if you are seeing a therapist under an insurance plan, your therapist must put down at least one diagnosis for you. Read the rest of this article »

Spending time away from your spouse and visiting with friends and family can actually improve your relationship. Your spouse is not going to meet all of your needs all the time. It is important to try and get your needs met in other ways instead of depending on your partner, and then feeling disappointed in their ability to always meet your needs.

People who are well rounded individuals make the best partners. Part of being well rounded means being able to maintain happy and healthy relationships with others outside of the marriage. Perhaps it means going shopping with your sister or playing a round of golf with a friend. Having social support can make a big difference.  Read the rest of this article »

Marriage counseling questions are one of the main ways that a counselor can help you and your partner understand where your issues developed, where they are right now, and how they can be resolved. These questions are designed to assist a couple in addressing their problems and get their relationship back on track.

Here are some of the typical marriage counseling questions that are used to help a couple explore and better understand their issues:

1. What issues in the relationship have brought you to marriage counseling?
   Understand that this question will be addressed to each partner in turn, because is is quite likely that an issue for one partner isn’t an issue for another. In order to understand where each other is coming from, couples need to understand what their partner’s issues are. Some of the most common issues include finances, children, communication, infidelity and physical intimacy.
2. Which of the issues is the most important?
   Again, this question is asked of each partner in turn. One partner may view physical intimacy as their biggest issue of concern, where the other may feel that financial security is the most important issue between them. A counselor will help the couple sort the issues into an order of priority and begin to deal with them in constructive ways.
3. How do you feel about your spouse’s most important issue?
   Once the issues are out in the open, understanding which is your partner’s most important issue helps put you on the path towards a better understanding of each other and a more productive partnership.
   This is also a wonderful way to get both partners working together again, in the spirit of compromise, to help solve their issues together.

You’re thinking of having another child.  You are concerned about how this new child will affect your present one.  Here are some tips.

First, recognize that the newbie will affect the “oldbie.”  Don’t minimize the challenge s/he faces.  It’s competition for attention and energy and love.  We have two cats. Our older cat is shorthaired; she doesn’t need to be brushed.  The newbie, now here several years, has extremely long hair.  He definitely needs to be brushed.  When my wife brushes him at night, our older, shorthaired cat, jumps off the bed for her turn at brushing. Read the rest of this article »

Some people have difficulty directly getting their needs met. This can lead to complaining, criticizing, and indirect communication that does not yield results. Learning how to ask for help can be very helpful to both partners in the marriage.

Complaining about things without directly asking for help is not likely to be helpful. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?” Read the rest of this article »

You want your child to go to college.  Assuming the child wants to and there is money available, you should have some good family conversations about what happens next. Here are some tips:

First, where should the child go to school?  Research has shown that the child’s choice of college is usually the best guarantee that the child is more likely to succeed.  Take your child to visit colleges before going.  Have your child do a weekend stay-over to get a feel for the place.  If the child has special needs, visit the disability resource center and self-disclose for issues like physical limitations, Asperger’s, ADHD/ADD, and bipolarity.  Professors and staff have been sensitized and trained to help students and provide supportive materials and environments. Read the rest of this article »

Validating your partner’s feelings can be very helpful to the relationship. Learning how to acknowledge the other person’s feelings can diffuse a lot of arguments and help the other person feel heard. It can show that you have empathy for his/her feelings even when you disagree on something.

Simply stating that you recognize your partner’s anger or frustration can help him to feel validated. For example, stating “I know you are angry I did not call when I was going to be late because you were waiting for me” can help your partner to know you do care. Don’t try to go into lengthy explanations of how you always try to be home on time every other night or how you feel justified in being late one night a week. Instead, provide a short and simple explanation and then validate your partner’s feelings about the situation. Read the rest of this article »

Remember the old Johnny Paycheck Song, “Take this job and shove it?” It sounded tempting.  But in these tough times, it’s not realistic.  So, what do you do to make yourself happy while staying at your job?

The first step is to accept two facts.  The first is that your job is less than satisfying.  The second is that it may be too hard or impossible to quit, look for a new job, relocate and/or upend your family. You may see this as an uncomfortable “fact.”  Nevertheless, accept it and the tensions and limitations it involves. Read the rest of this article »

When you are angry at your partner do you ever make threats? Maybe you threaten to leave? Or threaten a divorce? Or threaten that your partner will never see the kids again? Or even threaten bodily harm? Whether threats are more on the minor end of the spectrum or on the major end, they can be very damaging to a relationship.

If you are guilty of making threats when you are angry or frustrated, try to evaluate the reasons you make these threats. Are you trying to get your partner to change? Are you looking for a reaction? Or do you actually mean these things when you are angry but then later regret them? Identifying the underlying reasons that lead to these behaviors can be the first step in identifying ways to change. Read the rest of this article »

Were you left out of a family ceremony? Did you feel slighted, rejected, and totally trashed? Did you have thoughts of rage, contemplating warm and cold revenge? Yes, you should feel upset – but you need to get better. So, here’s a tip.

Let’s start with an example. One of my clients has had lifelong difficulties with her mother. Her father just died. Mom didn’t want to go to the funeral, then she changed her mind and invited her friends but not my client’s children. Read the rest of this article »

You and your partner will go through some profound changes after the baby is born.  Here are some issues to think about and some tips to help both of you.

Once you begin to understand the language and needs of the newborn, you will feel more comfortable in dealing with your own changes.  As mentioned in the previous entry, a breast-feeding mom is going to be exhausted in the first few months after the baby is born. Breast-feeding is tiring, apart from the sleep and work disruptions.  Any chance the new mom has to let someone else attend to the baby is worth taking.  Don’t let the new mom think she’s the only one capable of being with that child.  The new person gets to interact and bond with the child and give the mom some rest. Read the rest of this article »

Planning to have your first child? There are many things you should plan for because that child will change you and your partner’s lives!

What I plan to do in this set of postings is to address a series of challenges and how to address them.  The first one is that of the newborn coming home and you, the family, learning to be with the child.

In that first year, the child will be your focus.  It will change who does what around the house, how much energy you have, how clear-headed you might be, what you can do as individuals and together, and how your larger family might relate to you. Read the rest of this article »

Are you guilty of bringing up the past during a heated debate? Do you remind your spouse of a mistake he/she made a decade ago? If so, it is unlikely to be helpful. If you continue to be angry about something that happened years ago, the middle of an argument about a completely unrelated subject is not a good time to bring it up.

Some people struggle to forgive for past indiscretions. Whether it was a major infraction like an affair, or a more minor one like forgetting your mother’s birthday, carrying around anger about the past is not healthy. This anger often tends to resurface whenever the person feels angry again. Perhaps you are arguing about what to do on Saturday night and your spouse says, “why should we do what you want? Clearly, you don’t make good decisions! Remember when….” Bringing up the past in this situation is likely to lead to an even larger disagreement. Read the rest of this article »

Moving on with suggestions for older people with these conditions, the older person needs to learn to use her or his already developed skills.  An older person, especially if she or he is not taking medication for ADHD/ADD, should find alternative ways of helping herself or himself focus, organize, entertain, and reduce over stimulation. Read the rest of this article »

Lots of attention is being paid to children and young adults with ADHD/ADD.  Lately, girls and women with these conditions are being understood.  Now is the time to look at what happens with older people – as individuals and in relationships.

There isn’t as much research on these topics as is needed.  Many of our insights come from clinical experience and group experience.  So, while we’re waiting for the scientists to publish their findings, here are some helpful tips and some new perspectives.

There is one caution. Older people with ADHD/ADD may have never been diagnosed with these conditions. As a consequence, they may have never had their needs addressed. Many may have suffered personally and professionally. They may have had poor relationships, poor job success, and a history of substance abuse. Some people may have come to the realization that they have ADHD or ADD late in life. Read the rest of this article »