The Marriage Counseling Blog

Although many people who were abused as children want to leave the past in the past, it is important for your marriage that you address childhood abuse. Whether you were physically, sexually, emotionally abused or neglected, it can impact you in lots of ways if it is not dealt with. It can interfere with intimacy, forming a healthy attachment, trust, and keeping healthy boundaries.

It can be scary to deal with past trauma that you’ve tried to bury. However, counseling can help you feel safe while you address past hurts and work toward dealing with it. Counseling can help you find safe ways to deal with past abuse and assist you in improving your marriage while you address it. Read the rest of this article »

The saying “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” refers to seeking revenge in a way that is self-destructive. Doing so often causes more problems for the person seeking revenge rather than the intended victim. Many people tend to get into these patterns of self-destruction where they mistakenly make their own situation worse.

Do you ever try to teach your spouse a lesson? Do you work to try and make change only to then say “never mind?” For example, if you tell your spouse, “I need you to hear that you love me more often,” but then when your spouse tells you, your response is, “It doesn’t count if I have to tell you to say it?” These sorts of behaviors can quickly wear down a marriage. Read the rest of this article »

Most travel experts agree…no American city is more romantic than San Francisco. Since 1954, when singer Tony Bennett proclaimed the fact that he “left his heart” in the hilly city by the Bay, flocks of couples have been making their way to this Northern California destination, intent on sharing some memorable moments with each other.

Indeed, what’s more beautiful than admiring a view of the sparkling Golden Gate Bridge from the Marin Headlands at sunset? And who wouldn’t love a chance to ride side-by-side on one of the city’s signature cable cars or enjoy a picnic at lovely Ocean Beach? Or how about a Bay Cruise on the water as the lights of the city appear or cocktails at a restaurant that looks out over the landscape below? Read the rest of this article »

Many couples live in a world that is completely child-centered. Their relationship revolves around the childrens’ needs and activities. Of course, it is great to see a couple working together to raise a family. However, some couples fall into the trap of making their entire marriage only about the children.

There is research that shows that putting your marriage first may actually be healthier for children. It is definitely healthier for your marriage. However, many parents would fear they were being selfish if they dared put more stock into their marriage rather than focusing only on raising the children. They may fear they are neglecting their children or that they aren’t being good parents. Read the rest of this article »

While marriage counseling has long been a way for couples to reconnect and work out their problems, the cost of marriage counseling frequently scares couples away. The good news is, marriage counseling doesn’t have to cost as much as it did before the recession.

The recent economic downturn has created tough financial times which inevitably lead couples into relationship trouble. For married couples who were having problems before the economy’s collapse, the addition of financial trouble into the equation only increases their likelihood of divorce or separation. While marriage counseling has long been a way for couples to reconnect and work out their problems, the cost of marriage counseling frequently scares couples away. The good news is, marriage counseling doesn’t have to cost as much as you might think. Read the rest of this article »

If you find that you have grown angry and resentful toward your spouse, it is important to address it immediately. Anger and resentment stem from a variety of issues. If you don’t address the underlying cause, the problem is likely to get worse.

Not Getting Your Needs Met

If you feel like your needs are not being met in your marriage, it is quite possible that over time you may start to resent your spouse. When one partner feels like their spouse isn’t meeting their needs they may either give up on trying to meet their spouse’s needs or they may continue trying to please their spouse while growing resentful. Read the rest of this article »

Money is often cited as one of the biggest reasons a couple gets divorced. Many couples mistakenly believe that if they just had a little more money they wouldn’t have as many problems. However, couples with all different income levels still fight about money.  Money can lead to a variety of marital problems if it is not managed appropriately. Here are some of the biggest ways money can lead to serious marital discord.

Saving Versus Spending

Often in a relationship, one person tends to be more of a saver while the other person tends to be more of a spender. People who spend their money more freely often develop the attitude of “this will make my life better today,” when making a purchase. Read the rest of this article »

What you do after an argument is much more important than what you actually argued about. The behaviors you exhibit following conflict, determine how the two of you will feel about each other. It also impacts how you will approach conflict in the future.

For example, if after an argument the two of you can talk calmly and reconcile, it can be very comforting. Reassurance after an argument helps solidify the relationship. It communicates to your partner, “I may get mad at you sometimes but I still love you.” It also helps reassure you that despite your disagreements, your partner isn’t going anywhere. Read the rest of this article »

In several posts I talked about kids with Asperger’s. I want to look at the issues kids face in High School and some suggestions for helping them.

Your child will face many challenges in High School.  One major challenge is that s/he will go to many more different classes and activities.  Aspies often do not handle changing from one kind of activity to another easily.  Changes can rattle them—causing meltdowns.  By this time you will have found out how your offspring deals with change.  You will need to help them anticipate each class and activity change and “psych” themselves up for it. Moreover, if your child has ADHD or OCD characteristics, which are quite common with an Aspie, your child will be even more vulnerable and will need help in this area. Read the rest of this article »

One of the problems with divorce is that by the time someone gets around to doing it, they’ve usually spent a lot of time thinking about it. Depending on the relationship issues, they may have been thinking about it silently or they may have threatened it frequently. Although it is good to think through major decisions in life, it can be dangerous to daydream about divorce. If you think about it too much, you might talk yourself into it.

Fantasizing about Divorce can Make Being Single Seem Tempting

When the going gets tough some people start thinking about the fastest way out. When marital problems arise, many people imagine that all their problems would go away if they were single. “If I were divorced I wouldn’t have to put up with this,” can make it sound like a tempting option. Read the rest of this article »

Several posts ago I wrote about the effects of early puberty on girls.  This post is about the effects of early puberty on boys.  I have included some suggestions.

More and more, boys are experiencing early puberty.  I have worked with boys as young as nine going through this phase.  There are many reasons for this, including better nutrition.  Some may be due to health reasons.  You should make sure your child sees his doctor to rule out any adverse concerns. Read the rest of this article »

When angry, people sometimes offer “the silent treatment.” An angry mother-in-law offers it to their daughter-in-law, friends offer it to friends after a disagreement, and spouses sometimes use it against their spouse. But many ask the question, “Does it work?”

The silent treatment should not be confused with taking a time out. If you feel too angry to have a civil conversation, by all means, exit the scene. Nothing productive will result from yelling, screaming and name calling. So if you are very angry or your spouse is very angry, walk away without talking. Take some time to calm down. But once you are calm, you need to resume attention and work with your partner on problem-solving. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve written several posts about working with younger children in the early grades of primary school.  I’d like to talk about Asperger’s kids and the middle school years.

To refresh your memory, the period between around seven and puberty is called latency.  (I deliberately left out when puberty starts.  I will explain that shortly, and I will also write another post about puberty in general.) It is the time when a child, less driven by her or his sexual development, has the relatively free space to learn to work more extensively with others.  Kids practice being friends with others, working in groups, and developing all sorts of social skills.  As kids practice, they will experience success and rejection, joy and hurt.  All these emotions are necessary for a child to learn to sharpen her/his skills.  Once a child gets to “process” what she/he has experienced. the child gets a chance to change her or his behavior.  Trying and succeeding and trying and failing are both important aspects of the learning process. Read the rest of this article »

Perhaps you’ve been dreaming of whisking your partner away to a sun-drenched beach covered with cool white sands; a watery expanse trimmed by swaying palm trees and not too many people. But after shopping various travel sites, maybe you’ve decided that destinations that fit that particular description are simply too costly for your limited budget.

Chances are you’ve given a fleeting thought to “just going to Florida”, but decided the Sunshine State just isn’t for you. Perhaps, however, you haven’t been to Siesta Key, that little barrier island off the Gulf Coast where visitors can go to experience a piece of paradise without the need for a passport. Read the rest of this article »

Although both men and women can develop internet or gaming addictions, it seems that many more women are talking about their husbands playing video games constantly. Constant video gaming can lead to marital problems and sadly, in many cases, divorce.

Gaming Addiction

People can become addicted to video games in similar fashion that people become addicted to other things, such as drugs or alcohol. The obvious difference is that video game addictions don’t have the physical dependence component that drugs do. Instead, it is a psychological dependence. Read the rest of this article »

Although discussing money may not be the most romantic conversation in the world, it is important to periodically review your family’s finances. As things change over the years, your budget and your financial needs are likely to change too.  It’s important to discuss your goals and your current financial status and make necessary changes.

As your family grows and your needs change, you may want to allocate more money to savings or retirement, or you may need more cash flow to cover specific expenses. Don’t avoid conversations about money, even if they are uncomfortable. Talking about your situation is the first step to developing a financial plan.  Here are some examples of times when a family’s budget may need some reviewing: Read the rest of this article »

Many scientists, clinicians, and social observers have seen a rise in children—both girls and boys– going through puberty at an early age.  It used to be that puberty happened around 12-15. Better health and food has accounted for some of these changes.  Other causes are less easy to figure out.  For a parent and a child, however, the onset of early puberty presents challenges and risks.  This is especially true for some children with certain kinds of conditions.  Here are some notes and suggestions.

Let’s start off with girls first.  I will cover boys in a later post.  Delia Lloyd noted in her blog that a friend had a five year old girl who started puberty symptoms.  The doctor told the parent to keep an eye on her.  Read the rest of this article »

People offer a variety of reasons for not wanting to go to marriage counseling. It’s important to consider your reasons to determine if there is actually a bigger underlying problem. For example, sometimes people use excuses because they are afraid to change or don’t want to face the facts. But other times, people do genuinely think they have some big barriers that prevent them from being able to attend. It is important to educate yourself about counseling so you can make an informed decision.

Time

Many people feel like they just don’t have the time to go to marriage counseling. However, if you can take time out to work on your marriage, it may be a sign that your marriage isn’t high enough on your priority list. What other sorts of things take priority over attending counseling? If you work long hours or you and your spouse have different schedules, work to find a counselor who can meet your needs. Many counselors offer evening appointments and some offer weekend appointments. Online counseling may be another option for you. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people assume that the only way they can be happy in life is to have an ideal marriage. They believe their satisfaction with life hinges solely on how happy they are in their relationship. This sort of thinking can be dangerous and actually can be harmful to your marriage.

The Cycle

Every marriage is going to have natural ups and downs. This is normal. You won’t constantly be madly in love and grateful for your partner. It’s just a fact. However, some people equate some of the down times as being disastrous. This is where that line of thinking gets dangerous. Read the rest of this article »