The Marriage Counseling Blog

Grief is a difficult process that impacts every area of your life, including your marriage. The grieving process is important, as it is part of the healing process. If people don’t grieve, they don’t work through their feelings of loss. It is important to keep a careful watch for how the grieving process is impacting your marriage as it can contribute to increased conflict and emotional distance.

Whether you have experienced a miscarriage, the loss of a parent, or the loss of a friend, you’ll experience grief and loss. There are also other kinds of grief, such as learning about a parents’ terminal illness or experiencing your own loss of functioning as you age. No matter what kind of loss you have suffered, you’ll likely experience a wide variety of emotions. Read the rest of this article »

Many people tend to nag their spouse. Often, they don’t recognize how harmful it can be to the marriage. Psychological studies have shown that nagging doesn’t work and it certainly isn’t helpful for either partner. There are many misconceptions about nagging that cause people to continue nagging their partner, even when they aren’t getting results.

What constitutes nagging? Nagging is when you make repeated requests of your partner to do something. For instance, asking your spouse to do the laundry three separate times. It can also include reminding your spouse to do things. For example, “remember to iron your shirt before you leave today,” can be considered nagging. Nagging can include things such as pestering, urging, lecturing and demanding your partner to do things. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people think it is major conflict that leads to divorce. However, most studies show that the day to day stress about money and the division of labor are main factors that contribute to marital discord. When the household duties are not managed well as a couple, the stress can take a toll over time. It is important to work with your spouse on developing a plan for completing household tasks and responsibilities.

This issue often becomes magnified when one parent is a stay at home parent. Often the person who works outside the home has certain expectations about how much work should be getting done during the work day. When these expectations are not met, it can cause conflict. Also, the stay at home parent often feels exhausted by childrearing activities and has less energy to devote to household responsibilities. When these issues are not ironed out, anger and resentment can build. Read the rest of this article »

We learn to be anxious and we can unlearn it.

We’re introduced to Marlene whose father died and whose mother worked so she had to take care of younger siblings. Being young herself, she was nervous about their safety. This was the beginning of a lifetime of anxiety. Read the rest of this article »

We learn to be anxious and we can unlearn it. It begins with negative thoughts that we may not even be aware of. The job is to think about what triggered the anxiety and track it back to those thoughts. If we don’t do this, we stand to make our partners nervous too. Then the marriage is at risk.

Read the article at http://drdeb.com. Read the rest of this article »

I have posted a number of pieces about children and Asperger’s Syndrome.  The last piece was about children and primary school.  I will be posting additional pieces about secondary school and university. I am writing this piece out of order because of some letters I read. They are from people with Asperger’s and they concern how Asperger’s relates to their later work life.  Please consider this post a beginning of this discussion.

As you may know, there is a growing controversy over the extent to which Asperger’s is addressed in the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5.  Many newspaper articles and TV programs have addressed the issue.  This post is not designed to address it.  But there has been a lot of public discussion about the controversy—from Aspies who talk about their later work life. Read the rest of this article »

Blessed with beautiful tropical beaches, unique ecosystems, active volcanoes, rolling rivers, and enough adventure to keep even extreme vacationers happy, Costa Rica has become one of the most popular tourist destinations of the twenty-first century.

A few decades ago, however, most travelers probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Situated below Nicaragua – a country with a tumultuous past – Costa Rica seemed an unlikely place to spend your hard-earned vacation or honeymoon funds. But a closer look at the country makes it clear while scores of honeymooners – and second honeymooners – are choosing to visit this location which now dubs itself “The Happiest Country on Earth.” Read the rest of this article »

When it comes to marriage, much of the advice seems to be a paradox. Although it may seem like a lot of marital advice is in conflict with other tips, it shows the delicate balance that is necessary in marriage. A happy and healthy marriage requires that you take care of yourself while at the same time nurturing your relationship. Developing this healthy balance can be difficult but is important in maintaining the health of your relationship.

Independent yet a couple

Marriage requires you to be autonomous yet also part of a couple. A healthy relationship requires each person to have activities, interests and friendships outside the marriage to make for a well-rounded person. Meanwhile, it also requires spending enough time with your spouse to grow interests together as a couple so that you can develop shared interests. Read the rest of this article »

Scott thinks a dream vacation is camping, but his wife would much rather visit relatives.  The vacation date is getting closer and they have not been able to agree.  Now what?

All marriages have conflict. We disagree over big things and small things. We find ourselves squabbling about everything from how to channel surf to how to raise the kids. We have different preferences and varied tastes, so disagreement is part of every married couples’ life. How do we resolve these conflicts in a healthy way? Read the rest of this article »

I’ve written earlier suggestions regarding children with Asperger’s Syndrome. I have some other suggestions for school.  Here are a few:

At this time, despite the controversy surrounding the redefinition of Asperger’s in the new DSM 5—and you should be paying attention to that in your local newspapers—primary schools seem to be more accommodating to Aspies.  The issue becomes more difficult as you get into secondary schools.  I’ll talk about higher education in a bit.

I recommend that parents get their child tested not just for Asperger’s, but to see what else is going on.  Quite often children may also have ADHD or ADD. They may also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or related behaviors.  They may have learning disabilities. They may have dyslexia and/or auditory or visual processing difficulties.  They may be developmentally delayed. In order to proceed, we need to know all of what is going on and if medication or other treatment forms are needed. Read the rest of this article »

A couple’s extended family can either support the marriage, be a neutral force, or they can add stress to the relationship. It’s important to learn that although you can’t control their behaviors, you can control how you respond to them. It is possible to have a happy and healthy marriage even if you have difficult parents or in-laws.

Problems with extended and family can include a variety of problems. Common complaints often include invasions of privacy, frequent criticisms, and unsolicited advice. Learning how to respond to these sorts of problems before it causes a strain on your marriage is important. Read the rest of this article »

In the first article in this series, I introduced you to Maurice and Ella. Maurice is depressed because he got let go from a big firm and has been out of work. At first, he thought he would find a new job, but time has elapsed and he is becoming more and more despondent. Ella, on the other hand, feels the future is looking good. She is a freelance writer and sells her material online. She thinks sales will increase going forward and this makes her feel particularly good. Maurice comes in with a hang-dog droop and it brings her down. I gave some ideas for Ella to try to reach out a helping hand to her husband.

In the second article, called The Paradox of Depression, we took a look at what Maurice could do to improve his mood given that being depressed means you don’t have much motivation to do anything. Read the rest of this article »

Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time. However, people with anxiety disorders experience higher levels of anxiety. Their anxiety can interfere with their daily life and create a variety of problems, including marriage problems. If you or your spouse experiences problems with anxiety, it is important to learn about it so you can decide how to manage it.

There are a lot of misconceptions about anxiety. Many people believe that anxiety is bad. Actually, anxiety is a good thing. It is meant to keep you safe. For example, you look both ways before crossing the road because you have anxiety that you might get hit by a car if you didn’t. Anxiety prevents you from doing dangerous things. Read the rest of this article »

The Brady Bunch made it look easy to blend two families. However, in real life, it usually doesn’t go so smoothly. Blending two families together into one can be very difficult and without appropriate care, there can be a lot of conflict.

Becoming a step-parent is a difficult job. Developing a relationship with step-children can be difficult on its own. However, learning when to discipline, how to set limits, and also how to be fair to your own children while trying to increase family unit can be very stressful. Read the rest of this article »

What you think about influences your mood. When you feel angry, you can either dwell on your angry thoughts or try to replace your thoughts with more rational ones. It is important to look at the sorts of angry thoughts you tend to have when you are upset and then learn how to replace those thoughts with more realistic ones.

Ruminating Thoughts

Thinking about a problem in a productive way means that you are actively trying to solve the problem. Ruminating doesn’t involve problem solving. Instead, it means that you are thinking about the same thing over and over again. Read the rest of this article »

In an earlier article, I talked about Maurice, who is depressed, and his wife, Ella. I described the dilemma his depression puts Ella in. On the one hand, she gets the short end of the stick because her husband’s depression will bring her down, too. On the other hand, she can’t really do much about it if her husband isn’t willing or able to pull himself out of his mood. I suggested she be a willing listener because her empathy may have healing properties.

Today, I’d like to focus on Maurice himself. I mentioned briefly in the first article that it is his responsibility to pull himself out of his dark mood. Now, perhaps you think that sounds ridiculous: If he had the strength to pull himself out, he wouldn’t be depressed to begin with! You’re right. That is the paradox of depression. If he needs mental energy to pull himself out of a bad mood and by definition depression means he just doesn’t have that motivation and energy, how does he do it? Read the rest of this article »

There are lots of sexual problems that a couple may face. The most common concern is that for at least one partner, sexual activity isn’t frequent enough. This can lead to a lot of feelings and can cause other marital problems. It is very important that a couple address sexual problems. Avoiding it will only make it worse. However, many people report discomfort in addressing this issue with their partner. Communication is key and communicating about a sexual problem can be the first step in addressing it.

Sexual problems happen in many marriages. Sometimes it is just a minor problem in an otherwise happy and healthy marriage. At other times, sexual problems are a symptom of a larger problem within the relationship. Read the rest of this article »

It’s interesting how travel to a new and exciting destination can put the spark back into your relationship. The ability to easily explore new destinations and learn about other cultures is a true gift of living in this century and couples who embark on adventures together – even adventures that cost little – often report that they come back refreshed and renewed, rejoicing in the experiences they’ve shared together.

Choosing a destination – especially for those who have a long bucket list of places they wish to visit – can be difficult. Some couples insist on a beach vacation while others choose adventure. On the other hand, there are many couples who prefer to stick to exploring the world’s most notable cities – New York, Chicago, Paris, Rome, Barcelona. While the large cities are wonderful, why not consider choosing an urban locale that’s a bit smaller but still brimming with excitement and charm? Read the rest of this article »

A client’s story prompted this post. It has to do with staying in therapy.

She was 17 and, in her terms, a mess.  She had been fighting with her mother endlessly.  On her own, she got herself to therapy.  The therapist helped her.  She provided insight, reflection, another point of view, warmth, and a better female role model.  Then, everything changed.  She got some advice from her big sister.  The big sister said to quit therapy and get a job.  Her sister said things would get better, faster, that way. Read the rest of this article »

Avoidance is a common coping skill people use when they are faced with difficult problems. Avoiding marital problems won’t make them go away. In fact, they are likely to get worse. There are many reasons why people choose to avoid facing their marital issues.

Denial

Denial is a powerful thing. Sometimes people feel like if they don’t admit they have a problem, then it won’t be real. Trying to stay in a place of denial may make someone feel more comfortable. It can be anxiety-provoking, uncomfortable, and depressing to recognize the extent of your problems. However, denial will only take you so far. It may help you cope with your distress in the short-term but it causes more long-term problems as the issues are not being handled. Read the rest of this article »