There are some important things about cigarettes that you might want to consider.
We all know about cancer, emphysema, and the effects on other organs. That should be enough to stop people from smoking. So should the dangers of second-hand smoke for those close to you. We love those people and we don’t want to hurt them. Read the rest of this article »
You and your partner are fighting about money. So, what else is new? Did you discuss how you both think about money before you got serious? Did you sign a prenuptial agreement so that at least you knew what was what? Did circumstances change during your time together so that you have to re-argue everything? These matters are of crucial importance to your mutual happiness. Some suggestions are made below. And, in this piece, we won’t be talking about money as you get much older.
Money is both real—how much do you have? — and symbolic. Real means how much you have. Symbolic, here, means you’re telling yourself how you feel about yourself and the other person. As you fight about money, you need to ask yourselves what the “subtext” is. Are you saying to yourself that you have to have this particular item at this particular cost at this particular time because it will make you feel happy, happier, less cheap, or relieve anxiety or guilt? Read the rest of this article »
Like many Americans, you may be working at a job you don’t exactly love. In fact, you may hate it. But, you can’t complain-at least you HAVE a job- with benefits no less. The typical signs of job dissatisfaction aren’t too hard to recognize: alot of complaining, wishing you had a different job, looking for another job, etc. However, there are other less obvious signs you may not be as quick to recognize.
The following are some of the less apparent signs that you are more than just a little unhappy with your job:
If any of those apply to you, it is important to sit down and talk it out-either with a spouse, friend, family member, or therapist. Dissatisfacation in your job can lead to major issues-including emotional and physical health concerns- and this can definitely lead to problems in your marriage.
Read the rest of this article »
Emotional abuse can cause a lot of hurt, anger, and fear. There are some obvious forms of emotional abuse such as name calling. There are more subtle signs, such as intimidation, that are important to be aware of as well.
Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse. This can include name calling, insults, or threats of injury. Verbal abuse may take place in private or it may include embarrassing someone in public. Read the rest of this article »
Should our 5 year old daughter get her ears pierced? Should we let our 10 year old wear makeup? Should our 14 year old go on an overnight trip with a group of friends? Is our 13 year old ready to date? All of these questions have one thing common-tough decision making. You may worry that if you do the wrong thing you could set your child up for future issues–and you’re right. Being a parent is the hardest job you’ll probably ever have. You have the responsibility to shape your young ones into a mature and responsible young adult. The rules and boundaries you set now will have a lasting impact on future choices they make.
What happens if you and your spouse disagree on how to handle these types of issues? It is essential to acknolwedlge that some parenting disagreements are bound to happen. You and your partner were raised in different homes and had different parents. Therefore, you had different childhoods, and were likely taught different things. It is only natural that your parental instincts would be different. However, as long as your basic parenting philosphies are similar, you can work through rest.
How do you react when your spouse does something particularly nice? How about when they do something you do not like? Our responses have a big impact on the likelihood of these behaviors ending or continuing.
For example, consider a husband who tends to spend time with his friends after work a few times per week. This causes him to come home late, which makes his wife feel angry. She calls him repeatedly and yells at him while he is out. When he returns home, she ignores him. If she wants him to return home after work tomorrow, these behaviors are unlikely to motivate him to do so. In fact, they may have the opposite effect and cause him to want to avoid coming home even more. Read the rest of this article »
Many couples find finances to be a big source of stress. It does not seem to matter how much money couples have, they often still disagree on how to spend it. Deciding how much money to save and how much money to spend can create problems when couples do not agree.
Avoid ignoring financial problems. Sometimes one person, or both people, will avoid looking at the bills or avoid looking at the checking account because they are feeling overwhelmed. Although it may increase your anxiety temporarily, it will help you in the long run. Trying to stay in the dark about your finances will not solve anything. Face the reality head on, even if it is not good news. You can work toward solving any financial issues if you don’t recognize the extent of the problem. Read the rest of this article »
As little girls we often think about our “prince charming” and daydream about our wedding day. We imagine falling in love with a tall, dark, and handsome man, spending hours and hours with him, and getting proposed to in the most romantic way imaginable. As we get older we start wondering when and if this will ever happen. We start dating one loser after another, get our hearts broken, and continue the search for our soul mate-that one person in the universe we are meant to be with. All those fairy tales can’t be wrong; our soul mates have to be out there, right?
What if there was no such thing as a soul mate? What if there were more than one person suitable for each of us? What if instead of striving to find Mr. Perfect, we ended up with Mr. Right for Me? I’m not saying we should settle on just anyone. Of course we should find someone we love and with whom we are compatible. What I am saying is that instead of daydreaming of a soul mate – and waiting to be swept of our feet- we should be more proactive in our search for love and more forgiving of someone’s flaws. Even if you think you have found your prince charming, he may do something one day to disappoint you (like not notice your new haircut, or *gasp* forget the anniversary of the first time you kissed). It is important not to give us on the relationship or the person after such an incidence. Instead, forgive him and move on. Read the rest of this article »
Conflict is inevitable. We may argue over something silly such as who should take the trash out, or something more serious like parenting differences. One thing is certain–arguments happen. It is normal for a marriage to have it’s share of conflict-the key is how we respond.
Everyone has an arguing style-you may avoid conflict, always need to be right, or even thrive on disagreements. Whatever your style is, it is helpful to have a productive argument. It is not helpful to have a long, drawn out yelling match. Remember these tips to help you fight the right way:
Many people report wanting a better relationship with their partner. However, often times people are quick to point out changes their partner needs to make, instead of recognizing the changes that they can make to improve the marriage. Focusing on what changes you think your partner makes does nothing to improve the marriage, and often sets up a competition between partners.
Sometimes spouses become more like opponents and life starts to look like a competition where someone has to keep score. In these relationships, comments are made such as “You went out with your friends last weekend. This weekend, it is my turn.” Comments about money may sound like, “You got to get a new flat screen so I’m getting a new laptop.” When comments such as these are made, it sounds more like competitors working to take the most, rather than focusing on giving to the marriage. Read the rest of this article »
You did your job. You raised your kids and sent them off to college. They had four glorious years away from home and finally graduated from college. You thought you were home free. But wait; they are moving back home! You finally got used to having an empty house and are enjoying the quiet time with your spouse. Now you have to turn your craft room back into a bedroom and rearrange your life for your adult child, who, despite his $30,000 (or more) degree, can’t seem to find a job!
These days, the above scenario is happening more often than not, with unemployment rates rising and recent college graduates having trouble finding jobs in their fields. Here are some of the ways your adult child living at home again can cause a major shift in your lifestyle: Read the rest of this article »
Many couples report less time and less money than ever before. As a result, their relationship experiences less quality time together and fewer dates. Increased life stress tends to put more stress on relationships. When life becomes stressful, it is the most important thing to spend quality time with your partner.
Quality time together does not have to involve expensive dates or long weekends away. Instead, it can include setting aside some time doing something together that costs little or nothing. It may even involve joining your partner in some of the things they already do. Instead of watching television while your partner does the dishes, make it a combined effort. Brainstorm ideas for how you can spend quality time together. Read the rest of this article »
Addiction of any sort is a serious issue for any individual. It creates even more problems for people in couples and families. Everybody becomes part of the chaos and destruction the addicted person brings to the scene. Not only are the effects immediate, causing emotional, social, physical, and financial disorder, but they can be long lasting. People are influenced by their family experiences in general. People in families with one or more people who are addicts can be scarred for life—in personal, relationship, and career choices. They can and often will pass on these problematic behaviors to their children and even later generations.
We like to think that each addiction is unique. Not true! Addictions stimulate similar areas of the brain, creating a loop that “keeps on giving.” The addict creates a bubble of pleasure, shuts herself/himself off from the world, and slides deeper into an abyss. Read the rest of this article »
So you just learned that your mate has been unfaithful. You feel hurt, angry, and most important, betrayed. All your trust has been violated. All your hopes and expectations are destroyed. Does it mean the end of the relationship? What about the kids? The pets?
Not necessarily. So, what should you do? You’ll be angry at first. You may want to be alone or have the other person out of the house. If there are kids involved, you’ll have to consider them first. While you’re hurt and hurting, nevertheless you are an adult and your kids are likely to be more hurt and more confused than you are. So, first, think of what’s best for them. Read the rest of this article »
Are you depressed? Are you worried about being depressed? Do you know why you’re depressed? Does that make you more depressed? Anxious? Are you losing sleep, or sleeping too much? Not eating enough or too much? Are you snapping at people? Withdrawing from them? Drinking, using, or smoking too much?
Go see a therapist. Your therapist will help you assess what might be going on. Yes, we all get depressed at times. We lose a loved one or a pet. We don’t get a job or have difficulty finding one. We get rejected by someone in whom we’re interested. Someone hurts our feelings. We worry about money. We worry about the kids. We worry about politics. Read the rest of this article »
Cognitive behavioral therapy helps alleviate symptoms of depression, anxiety, and trauma. It can also help couples. Cognitive behavioral treatment addresses how people think as well as how they behave.
Couples treatment that utilizes cognitive behavioral therapy helps each individual recognize distorted thought patterns. Perhaps one partner feels frustrated that their partner works long hours and thinks, “he never spends time with me and does not care about me.” The therapist would help evaluate those thoughts and help change them to more realistic thoughts. This might be something like, “my partner works hard to support the family and spends time with me in the evenings and on weekends.” Changing thought patterns can change how people feel. Read the rest of this article »
The way couples tackle problems reveals a lot about their relationship. Working together to constructively solve problems reduces stress and increases the strength of the marriage. Developing good problem-solving skills helps couples decide how to respond to problems together.
Everyone solves problems on a daily basis, yet we rarely stop to consider how we arrived at the solution. Problems couples encounter include minor inconveniences, such as a missing pair of car keys, to major problems such as facing foreclosure or bankruptcy. Take notice of how you have solved some recent problems together. Do you tend to ignore problems? Does one person typically do all the problem-solving? Do you seek advice from extended family or friends? Or do you talk about problems and form solutions together? Read the rest of this article »
By Maria C. Ramos, MS, MFT Counselor
Through my experiences in counseling couples, I have found that both males & females want exactly the same thing from their relationships. Both expect respect, acceptance, understanding, communication, reciprocated love, and time shared with their partner.
I found this surprising because the overall perception is that sex would be a main factor. While sex is undoubtedly important in relationships, the most common complaint expressed by individuals is that of not feeling “loved” or “understood” properly. Sex undoubtedly becomes a problem as a direct result of these deficiencies in the relationship. In spite of the fact that a good sexual relationship can sometimes helps to repress issues in a relationship. Sooner or later they rise to the surface in a hurry. Read the rest of this article »
Take Time To Do:
Sometimes, as parents, we are so busy trying to focus on things we feel are necessary to make our children happy that we lose track of what really makes children happy.
Of course, we are subject to be guided by the latest trend in toys, electronics, cell phones, etc., but in reality, children need to feel love by their parents or caregiver.
Do you know what kind of love your children need? Do you even know what kind of love you also need?
Studies show that we really don’t demonstrate the form of love that “fulfills” the other person’s needs, especially children.
So, how do you start by identifying the type of love your child needs? Read the rest of this article »
When do we start losing our sense of Self? Is it when we join forces with our significant other? Or, is it when we become insignificant within our own families? Or, is it when we work under individuals who do not allow us to grow and improve our position within our chosen career, losing the certainty of what we know? Or is it when the fear of starting something new stops us from “knowing our sense of Self.”
Losing our sense of Self:
“Fear.” What a horrible word this is; it paralyzes us. It is difficult for individuals to be happy when “fear” of starting something new (career or relationships) stops us from leaving a harmful situation. We lose our dignity as individuals. Read the rest of this article »
