The Marriage Counseling Blog

Today’s fast-paced society can prevent married couples from spending quality time with one another.  We are faced with more distractions than ever before.  Increased technology often means more distractions.  Cell phones ring at dinner, emails get answered during the evenings, the radio plays while on car rides, and the television can be heard as background noise all the time.

Spending time in the same room is not the same as spending quality time together. If one person is watching television and the other person is using the computer, this does nothing to build the relationship, even if they are sitting on the same couch.  Couples who spend a lot of time like this can become disengaged from one another.  Conversation can become limited to brief discussions about day-to-day operations such as who will drive the kids to soccer practice.  Intimate conversations about goals, feelings, and dreams can become non-existent. Read the rest of this article »

Trust is a very important aspect of any relationship.  Trusting your partner is essential to the marriage.  Having a sense of trust leads to increased feelings of security and overall marital satisfaction.  When partners do not trust one another, working together as a team becomes impossible.

Sometimes people have difficulty trusting even if their partner has never betrayed them.  This may be caused by a variety of things, including past hurts.  Perhaps, childhood abuse has led to difficulty trusting again.  When children are abused by their parents or other adults they have trusted, it can be difficult to trust people again.  Or perhaps the hurt involved a past partner cheating or lying.  Such scenarios can cause ongoing relationship problems if they are not dealt with effectively. Read the rest of this article »

Picture this: it’s Sunday. You and your significant other are talking about how to spend the day. He says, “we can do anything until 3pm, then I have to watch the game”. You respond, “But honey, I thought we could spend the day together. Maybe go to the park, or go out to dinner”. “No”, he says, “I have to be here from 3 until 7, and then I have to watch the post game show”. You leave the room quietly, thinking to yourself, “great…another Sunday alone”.

Does the scenario above sound familiar? It could be reversed; perhaps the woman in your life is a bigger sports fan than you are. In all seriousness, though, this does happen, and it makes me wonder: how many of us would rather watch a game on TV then spend quality time with our spouse?

I’m not saying that you can’t watch sports once you’re married. In fact, if you’re both into it, watching the game together could be a great way to bond. However, if one of you isn’t interested in sports at all, and the other is a die-hard fan, there may be problems.

So what’s a sport nut to do? One word: compromise! Decide which games (s) are the most important to watch in the week ahead. If possible, limit it to two. Let your spouse know ahead of time that you’re planning on watching those and when they are. You are compromising on the amount of time you spend glued to the TV, so that the rest of the time can be spent with your sweetie. Make sure that the time not spent watching the game is quality time spent with your spouse. Let her pick an activity the two of you can do together. She will feel better knowing she is going to get your undivided attention, and you will fee better knowing you’ll get to watch your team in peace — without her bugging you to turn it off.

Statistics show that 26.2% of the adult population, and 13.1 % of children ages 8-15 have a diagnosable mental disorder.  Clearly, mental illness is a huge issue in the U.S., and living with someone who has mental illness can wreak havoc on a relationship.

What should you do when you are married to someone who obviously needs help, yet refuses to 1) acknowledge they have a problem and 2) get the assistance they desperately need?

First, approach your partner in a calm and caring way. Let her know that you understand she is going through a tough time, and you are there to help, as well as give unconditional support. Offer to help research therapists or psychiatrists, and even go with her to the first appointment or two.

Assess the situation. If you feel your partner is in immediate danger or hurting herself or someone else, call 911 or take her to the nearest emergency room.

Make sure you don’t judge her. Regardless of the type of illness she is experiencing, your partner is probably feeling some sense of shame and embarrassment, and is likely very sensitive to criticism – real or perceived. It may take several conversations before she agrees to get help, but be patient.

Don’t try to “fix” her. Leave that up to the professionals. Your partner will appreciate a supportive ear to listen to her and a gentle hand to hold hers.

The most important thing you can do for your spouse is encourage and support her. Once she agrees to professional assistance, don’t stop supporting her — let her know that you will always be by her side.

Parenting is a hard job.  Step parenting can be even harder.  Blending two families can be a challenge and can be a strain on the marriage if problems are not dealt with appropriately.  Entering into a marriage with someone who has children means you are not just marrying a person, but you are getting a package deal.  Determining your role within the family can be difficult.  Establishing a relationship with children while trying to gain respect and authority is challenging.

One of the most important steps in developing a healthy step-parent relationship is to form a bond with your partner’s children.  This can help children see that you are interested in being a part of the family.  If you include them in your activities and plans, they will be more willing to include you as part of their family.  Establishing a relationship means spending quality time with the children, both with your partner and alone with each child without your partner.  For younger kids, this may mean getting down on the floor and joining in their play.  For older kids, it might mean attending sporting events or playing a board game together.  For teenagers, simply driving them to the mall or an after school activity can show that you care and can give you the opportunity to talk to them while in the car.

It’s important to have a relationship established with the children before you start disciplining stepchildren.  Think of it like a bank – you will need to have made deposits before you can start making withdrawals.  If a relationship is not developed first, children will often become angry and resentful when a step parent disciplines them.  Also, make sure that you and your partner have discussed the rules and that you are clear about expectations and consequences.  If you set different limits, it is not likely to be well received by children.

Determining your role within the family can be a difficult process for everyone.  Anticipate that there will be some difficult times along the way.  If you are struggling, counseling can help.  Therapy can help couples develop their roles and family therapy can help children who are having difficulty adjusting as well.

Many couples choose to stay in an unhappy marriage for their children’s sake, assuming that kids need an intact family to grow into happy, well adjusted adults. However, this isn’t always the best idea. Sometimes, staying in an unhappy relationship can have a negative impact on children.

Regardless of age, children are keen observers. They have the ability to pick up on tension, conflict, sadness, anxiety, and stress. Children who are living in a home filled with conflict, yelling, blaming, and general unhappiness have an increased chance of developing emotional problems.  Furthermore, children may take on some of these emotions themselves,  by acting out, turning inward, and more.

Children learn about relationships by watching those around them. They will learn how to approach and resolve conflict by watching their parents. If their role models are constantly arguing, blaming each other, and are just plain mean, children will grow up believing that is how relationships work. Additionally, when couples aren’t getting along, their resentment and anger towards each other can often affect their relationships with the children, creating a barrier to happiness.

So, should you stay together or not?  It depends on the level of conflict, how well parents can manage the negativity in the home, and if they can commit to creating a harmonious environment for the children until they leave the home or are older. Of course, if there is any type of abuse going on, parents should seek help immediately for themselves and their children.

Most counselors agree that it is the quality of a relationship or marriage that matters most when children are involved. If the couple can truly get along and create a positive environment while the children are still in the home, then perhaps staying together for the children IS a good idea. In general, children living in intact families do better than those who do not. However, if parents can’t keep their emotions under control when the kids are around, then it may be more beneficial for children if their parents divorced, and each spouse led a happy and fulfilling life.

Establishing mutual goals can help a marriage feel more like a team effort.  Short term goals can help keep the relationship exciting and satisfying.  Long term goals can help couples clarify their values.  Creating goals can help each partner divide their time and money according to the plan.  Goals can also help improve communication as each partner is made aware of what their spouse wants to achieve.

Short term goals may include things such as saving up for a trip, making some minor home improvements, or making a new purchase.  Setting a timeline can help turn these goals into a reality.  It also gives each partner the chance to work together in a team effort to reach a common goal. Read the rest of this article »

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, and can put a strain on even the strongest of marriages. On the Today show last week,  Dr. Linda Applegarth was discussing a new study which found that women who were involved in some kind of emotional support group for infertility had a 50% greater chance of becoming pregnant than those that weren’t. Confiding in others and increasing your support system lowers stress (there is a correlation between stress and infertility).

You might notice the following issues popping up if you and your partner are struggling with infertility:

• Increased conflict
• Stress
• Depression and/or anxiety in one or both partners
• Feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment
• Loss of romance and intimacy
• Decreased communication

Because of the emotional toll that infertility can take on a relationship, it is essential to take a mind/body approach to treating infertility. How can you keep your marriage strong while dealing with such a heavy issue?

1. Keep the lines of communication open, and set aside a few minutes a day to talk about your feelings with your partner.

2. Focus on what is going right in your life. Appreciate that you have this time to focus on your marriage and your partner.

3. Avoid the blame game–this just leads to more conflict and unnecessary arguments.

4. Journal. Getting your feelings out on paper can help lower your stress.

5. Join a support group for women or couples going through infertility.

Finally, If you feel like this struggle is just too much to handle on your own, consider talking to a counselor who can help you work through the emotional side of this complicated situation.

Making a decision to start marriage counseling can be a difficult decision for many couples.  Couples can benefit from marriage therapy for a variety of reasons.  Many people wonder if couples counseling is right for them and their situation.

Couples Counseling can help couples improve their communication.  Each person can learn skills to increase direct communication and also how to increase the effectiveness of communication.  This can help resolve a variety of marital problems.

Marriage therapy can also help make arguing more productive by reducing anger and hostility.  Couples can learn the rules of “fair fighting” which can help them to learn how to listen to each other and also how to express themselves in a calm, reasonable manner.  Couples counseling is not recommended for relationships where there is domestic violence.  Instead, a therapist may recommend that each partner seek individual therapy, to ensure that each partner is safe.  Helping couples learn conflict resolution skills can decrease a lot of stress within the marriage.

Dealing with an affair is an issue that can be addressed in couples counseling as well.  Whether the affair was emotional or physical, therapy can help the couple explore their feelings and also explore the impact the affair has had on the relationship.  It can help the couple determine if they are both invested in continuing the relationship and they can learn skills to help them deal with the impact.

Marriage counseling can help families problem-solve how to deal with stressors.  It can assist people with problem-solving around issues such as budgeting problems, parenting differences, or the division of labor around the house.  It can also help families who are dealing with grief or loss issues.

Couples have the best prognosis when both partners are invested in treatment.  This investment means that both people are willing to look at themselves and the things that they can change to help improve the marriage, and not just point fingers at what they think their partner needs to do differently.  When a couple agrees to treatment, it can be the first step toward a happier and healthier marriage.

By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LCPC

While you may expect this question to be reserved for newlyweds, unfortunately, there are couples who are grandparents still asking this question. I find this question to be one of the most destructive questions you could ask about your marriage. Living with an unhappy marriage can be one of the most painful experiences. It is easy to assume a passive role, give up, and daydream how things could have been different with someone else, yet this will only exacerbate your problems. Taking a proactive role in your relationship is the best way to ensure that both you and your spouse become the right person.

The first step you can take is to realize that it’s not all about your spouse. I have seen plenty of couples in a 2^nd marriage. If it was their ex’s fault, why is it that they are having issues with their new spouse? Is it bad luck? Ultimately, you take yourself into whatever relationship you enter. What are you doing to contribute to your relationship stress?

Most couples do not take responsibility for their role in their relationship disaster. Even better, now a spouse who has taken a psychology course in college is ready to diagnose their partner with a personality disorder. Is it always the case that our spouse is the evil monster with psychological problems or do we play a role in triggering such undesirable behavior? As I have witnessed with my couples, most of the things that really bother us about our partner are only partially about them and largely about us.  Why would a particular incident bother you tremendously but appear insignificant to your friend?

The nature vs. nurture paradigm is very much involved in determining how we process and react to others. Our external triggers, as real as they may be, are only a symptom of a greater problem. That problem is our story and ourselves. By working on ourselves and becoming more conscious about why we react the way we do, we can learn how to be more effective in relationship and have more compassion for our spouse.

Furthermore, these points of conflict are a blessing in disguise. Marriage is ultimately an opportunity for growth and healing. The challenges that we face are there to do just that, to challenge us to become better and more balanced people. The things that bother us most about our spouse or the things that our spouse complains about us are usually the areas in which we could stand to experience more growth. If your inflexibility or carelessness didn’t bother your spouse, how would you be compelled to improve in these areas?

Your marriage crisis is not proof that you ended up with the wrong person; rather it shows that you made the right choice.  The hopes of someone better are futile because Mr./Mrs. Right will serve as a vehicle for your personal growth. After the honeymoon ends, your spouse will surely push your buttons, but still this is not proof that you ended up with the wrong person. Might as well give it your all and make it work the first time instead of breaking up a family, spending lots of money on attorneys, and suffering additional heartache.

Rabbi Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and is available for lectures and seminars. To sign up for the new free E-course: What if My Spouse isn’t Interested- 6 Things You Can Do to Create a Happy Marriage with an Unwilling Partner, visit www.theRelationshipRabbi.com/happy-marriage or call 443-570-7598

I know there are some people who say “I wish,” but there are some people for whom this issue is a real problem – they feel they are being loved too much. This can feel like you are being smothered, and while a little bit is good for a relationship, there does come a time when enough is enough. How then do you handle a situation where your partner is smothering you in love?

Smothering is actually a sign of insecurity. The rationale is that if that person showers you with love and affection, you’ll never have a cause to doubt them and never have a reason to leave them. Of course, it never dawns on them that their smothering activity could destroy the relationship. Smothering can also be a control issue whereby the smotherer is really using their actions to control yours – and that is why some feel like they are drowning; they feel they have no free will.

While smothering is a problem that starts with insecurity, it is also a problem that has been allowed to develop by the person being smothered. If they had put a stop to the practice early in the relationship, then it may not have developed into a full blown oppressive type of smothering. Of course, it’s hard to be critical – everyone loves attention, and we all pile it on early in a relationship, but we do need to know when to say enough is enough.

If you are in a relationship where you are being smothered in love, seeking the help of a counselor is vital if your relationship is going to be a success. Insecurity is a problem which, over time, can lead to irrational thoughts and actions that make smothering look insignificant. Counseling can help everyone in the relationship deal with any insecurities while building communication tools to deal with issues as they arise. Are you being smothered by love?

Sometimes people think that divorce is caused by major sources of conflict. In reality, it is usually smaller sources of conflict that are left unresolved and eventually they become big sources of conflict. Division of labor is one of those issues that can lead to big conflicts. Division of labor includes the day to day household chores such as cooking, cleaning and caring for children.

Determining who is going to do which activities around the house can be a source of many arguments. Maybe you like the house to be clean but your spouse can tolerate a little more “mess.” Perhaps you do the cooking and expect your spouse to clean up afterward but find dirty dishes still waiting for you the next day. Maybe you are concerned that the garage is always a mess, the closets are overflowing, and the ceiling is leaking and your spouse prefers to spend the day doing a leisure time activity.

The source of this conflict usually comes down to values. What is more valuable to you? Having a clean, presentable house or visiting with family despite what sort of shape the house is in. Or perhaps you value hard work and want to ensure that projects get done in a timely fashion and feel frustrated that your spouse watches television or is on the computer instead of working on those projects.

Communicating with your spouse about these problems is important. Unresolved issues can lead to feelings of resentment that can build up fast if one person feels as though they are doing everything around the house. Try to develop a plan and try to stick to it for a month. Perhaps that means spending 20 minutes per day cleaning together. Or maybe you take the divide and conquer approach where you work indoors and spouse works on outdoor projects. Or maybe it means taking one Saturday afternoon a month to tackle bigger projects. Whatever it is you decide, see if you can follow the plan for an entire month. At the end of that month re-visit the plan and discuss what is working and what is not.

If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about household chores, do not be afraid to seek help. People sometimes think that arguing about laundry is not a reason to seek therapy. But unresolved problems about the division of labor around the house cause major conflicts that can lead to big problems if people do not seek help.

Unemployment has a range of effects on people. Some take it in stride while others become seriously depressed. Unemployment also places a serious pressure on the finances of those affected. Add a spouse, children, credit card debt, and a mortgage to the mix and the end result can be a real strain on the marriage.

There are many counselors who would point at the financial effects on a family as being of most concern. In reality, money is money and there are different solutions to money woes. The effect that unemployment has on the emotional side can be far more serious. Little things often become serious issues – for example, a husband suddenly being at home every day will upset the wife’s routine. If he is moping around feeling down in the dumps, it will be hard to resist being dragged down with him.

One of the problems that arises from this situation is the loss of motivation and self belief. The longer that person stays out of work and the more rejections they get when applying for employment, the deeper that loss of motivation and self belief becomes. A person’s whole demeanor becomes negative, and this can impact on their ability to perform at interviews – so prolonging the effect.

Counseling can help a family deal with these issues. Counseling can also help the individual deal with their loss of employment and the impact that rejection has. Being able to lift that individual’s self confidence will see a turn around in motivation and the ability to perform well when applying for job vacancies.

While unemployment does seriously impact on marriages, counseling can turn this impact around and enable couples to use it to their advantage. There are a lot of people back at work and functioning normally, simply because they took the time to undertake counseling with their family. If you’re unemployed, considered counseling to get your life back on track.

Modern society enjoys freedoms that our forefathers would not only frown upon, most likely condemn. Living together ‘out of holy wedlock’ is certainly one of those freedoms. It has come at a price, however, as couples who live together without the legal ties of marriage find it much easier to move on if the relationship doesn’t work out.

While many couples do move in and out of these unmarried relationships, there are many couples that are just as deeply committed to their relationship as any married couple. Their argument is that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and they don’t need a piece of paper to be a family.

When it comes to marriage counseling, that piece of paper counts for nothing as well. It doesn’t matter if you’re married, thinking of getting married, just living together, or just thinking of living together. If you feel that marriage counseling is needed, then it’s available. To a counselor, the people in front of them are in a relationship. Many counselors are now changing their names from marriage counselor to relationship counselor to reflect our modern society.

For couples who are living together and experiencing difficulties, a marriage or relationship counselor can be quite effective in helping you deal with your problems. Opening communication channels, developing conflict resolution skills, and learning to empathize with each other makes a good start.

Counseling can be as long (or as short) as you require, and in most instances, can be arranged for times that suit your schedules. Just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you cannot access services such as marriage counseling – you can should if you feel your relationship is not working well.

The United States is a united states in more ways than one. Today’s society is a multicultural mix that often bares little resemblance to the many original cultures that have gone into this mix. Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on point of view), there are still large ethnic pockets throughout the country. That doesn’t mean that cross-cultural marriages don’t happen – they do, and they bring their own set of problems.

Many of these marriages have an added burden – one or both families have opposed the marriage and this has effectively created a schism in the family – the result is that one or both partners have little or no family that they can fall back on for advice. Even in situations where the marriage has the families’ blessing, advice can be difficult since they often have little knowledge of the each other’s culture.

Cultural or ethnic difficulties in marriage has often been a difficult issue for counselors to deal with in the past. Fortunately, these difficulties were identified many years ago and training programs are now in place to help counselors to gain skills in dealing with these situations. If you are looking for a marriage counselor, it never hurts to ask at the outset whether or not they have any training or skills related to mixed cultural marriages.

For couples from different ethnic backgrounds who are considering marriage, deal with some of your cultural differences before you tie the knot. Don’t put these issues in the ‘we’ll resolve them after the marriage’ basket – by then it is too late. Be sure to deal with important issues such as religion, children, money, and employment. Marriages from different cultural backgrounds do work – our nation has been built on them. However, while we welcome those cultural differences, they can create special issues in those marriages.

Most children have a little ‘naughty’ streak. It’s actually a healthy sign and part of growing up. Some children do put a real strain on marriages, however, especially those that are diagnosed with problems such as ADHD. Children can also come under the influence of peers leading to problems with alcohol and drugs.

Dealing with these issues can be difficult enough without having to also handle the stress it can place on a marriage. Marriage counseling is an ideal path to take for these parents. Being able to establish good communication channels while gaining an understanding as to how that problematic child is affecting each other is important.

Once you are aware of those effects, you can build strategies that support each other rather than living in situations where you are slowly pulling each other down. Once the parents have sorted through their issues, they will be in a much better position to offer their problematic child all the support they need. This is important for their long term well being as well.

Children can be sensitive to the effect they are having on a marriage. Because of their age, they do not have the tools to deal with that sensitivity so rather than modifying their ways, guilt and confusion can make their actions more problematic than before. Parents may want to consider family counseling as an alternative. The family can deal with a wide range of problems including those involving the actions of the child.

Parents can learn strategies to handling that child’s actions while also learning how to support each other. They can also reach a common agreement on what actions are mutually acceptable. Children can gain an understanding of the outcomes of their actions, and to learn to control or modify their behavior. Ultimately, it is the family as a whole that benefits from family counseling in these situations.

When one partner has depression, it can have a big impact on the marriage. People with depression tend to isolate themselves, have less energy, and can be more irritable and all of these can put a strain on the relationship. The other partner is sometimes left feeling confused, lonely, and overwhelmed.

When one partner is depressed, it can the other partner to have to “pick up the slack.” Depression can cause people to be less involved with household chores, parenting, and socializing. This can lead to the other parent having to take over paying bills, caring for the children, and keeping the daily household operations running smoothly. This can cause feelings of resentment and frustration, which can wreak havoc on the relationship.

It is important to talk to your partner if you suspect they have depression. They may also be concerned or they may be surprised to hear your observations about just how bad things have become. Inquire about what you can do to be supportive. Encourage them to seek professional help. Depression is usually best treated with a combination of therapy and medication.

Offer to be involved in their treatment. The counselor may want to gain your insight into the changes you have seen in your partner. Dependong on your partner’s severity of depression, ther therapist may give you exercises to help your partner in reducing depression.

If your partner refuses to seek treatment, it may make sense for you to seek therapy for yourself. Learning about depression can help you understand what your partner is experiencing. It may also help you to learn what you can do to help your partner and also what you may be doing that is reinforcing the depression.

Many people struggle with depression at some point in the their lives. It takes hard work for a marriage to deal with depression but it can be done. When couples work together they can be successful in reducing the depression and on improving their marriage.

While much of our focus on this blog is on saving marriages, sometimes a marriage is just not salvageable. The end result is the divorce courts, and while most divorces can be worked out amicably, there are times when issues lead to quite a traumatic experience. This is particularly true when violence, alcohol, drugs and/or illegal activities have been involved.

How does one partner pick up the pieces, especially if there are children involved, and restart their lives. Post traumatic stress can be present in these cases and may require skilled counseling and perhaps even medical intervention. Unfortunately, there are many individuals who don’t show any outward signs of stress or discomfort, yet inside they are troubled and struggling to cope. These are the individuals who are prepared to put on a brave face no matter what.

While marriage counseling is obviously designed to help couples repair their marriage, it can also be useful for those needing help following a divorce. The issues are still related to relationships; in this case, the failure of a relationship. Counseling for children should also be considered, especially where violence has been a serious issue, or where visitation with the other parent has been severely limited.

If you know someone who has been through a particularly difficult divorce, try to look beyond the tough exterior they may be displaying. If you feel they are struggling to cope, suggest they talk to a counselor sooner rather than later. If you have been through a difficult divorce, ask yourself if you can really continue without talking to someone – sometimes, that’s it all takes – talking to someone.

In the 2007  film, The Heartbreak Kid, Ben Stiller portrays a newlywed who married his dream girl–or so he thought. After dating this woman for a short time, and marrying her to keep her from moving across the ocean, his sweetie becomes someone he can’t stand to be around and subsequently divorces. I recently saw this movie again for the umpteenth time, and it made me wonder, how often does this happen in real life?

Divorce rates are quickly rising in the U.S making therapists busier than ever. There are many factors contributing to this trend, including infidelity, financial stress, communication problems, or perhaps we just aren’t getting to know our potential mates as well as we should before getting down on one knee.  This is where pre-marriage counseling can be extremely beneficial. Couples counselors are trained to ask the important questions that many couples never think to ask each other, such as:

• How will we handle our finances?
• What are our plans for a family?
• What is our parenting philosophy?
• Will both partners be expected to work full time?
• If different religions, what religion (if any) will we raise our children?
• What role do we see our parents having in our lives?

John Gottman’s, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a  book that I highly recommend all couples read before tying the knot. It is a great summary of the fundamentals of a successful, healthy marriage and will help you gauge if you are truly ready for the next step.

These days, divorce is easier to obtain with divorce lawyers on every corner, and couples giving up on their relationship too soon. It is important not to forgot that the traditional vow of “til death” is still recited in weddings across the world. Make sure you ready, willing, and able for a long term commitment before walking down the aisle.

What is the big “D” ultimatum? DIVORCE! Should you use the threat of divorce to force change in your partner? Should you use any form of ultimatum when your marriage is heading downhill? The problem with using any form of ultimatum is twofold – the first, it often gets used too often with no follow through so it loses it threat value; and the second is – if your partner ignores the threat, are you prepared to follow through? If you don’t follow through, the result is the same, it loses its threat value.

In a relationship, threats don’t work and shouldn’t be used unless you really are at that ‘final straw’ situation, and you really are going to follow through. In most cases, if a couple attend counseling where one is only there because of threats, they are not going to be open and prepared for change. In many cases, they will be resentful and may even work against the counselor.

While counselors are trained to deal with these situations, they are not ideal or conducive to a good result. For those relationships that are in trouble, there needs to be a common goal to save that marriage. If one half isn’t interested, then rather than issuing threats, you can take one of two paths.

You can visit a counselor yourself where they can offer you advice and tools that may help you convince your partner to attend without the use of threats. The second alternative is more drastic – rather than issuing threats, actually acting and moving them or yourself out.

While marriage counseling works best if both partners are there together (willingly), counselors can work with just one of the partners to help them deal with the situation. Ultimatums rarely work – actions do, so consider which action best suits your situation. Ideally, you’ll talk to a marriage counselor first.