The Marriage Counseling Blog

Self-help books can be a great way to help enhance your marriage. Although they shouldn’t be considered a replacement for traditional marriage counseling, they can certainly be very helpful to people struggling with specific marital issues or for people who want to strengthen and enhance their relationship.

However, it can be difficult to know where to begin looking for a book that is likely to be helpful. If you look on amazon or enter any bookstore (if you can still find one) and you’ll find thousands and thousands of books on marriage. So, how do you know which books are really going to be helpful in improving your marriage or preventing problems? Here is a list of books that I often recommend to couples that I work with in counseling. Read the rest of this article »

Ask 100 people what the purpose of marriage is and you might get 100 slightly different answers. It’s a question that many people may have never considered. Instead, getting married is something most people do because they want to but have never really thought much about what the purpose of marriage is.

How Your View on the Purpose of Marriage Influences Your Relationship

Your view on the purpose of marriage will make a big difference in your overall satisfaction in your relationship. If you and your spouse have two different ideas about the purpose of marriage, you’ll likely find it causes some disagreements and conflict. However, many people don’t ever really uncover the true reason for their conflict is based on their differences in beliefs about the purpose of marriage. Read the rest of this article »

There are four important areas that can predict long-term marital success. When couples agree on the basics about kids, money, in-laws, and faith, they are much more likely to remain happily married. They don’t need to agree on every aspect of these issues but sharing the same basic values about them can make a big difference in their marital satisfaction.

When couples share similar values on the basics, it can make it much easier to deal with life’s stressors and other problems. Compared to these core areas, disagreements over other issues often seem minor and couples can work to overcome obstacles together. Read the rest of this article »

Like most seashore destinations, North Carolina’s Outer Banks region is beautiful in the summertime. The water is warm, the restaurants and stores are all open, and the sun seemingly shines every day. But, like most beach locations, it’s also crowded. June, July, and August are prime visiting time for families with children, and they come in droves to these beautiful barrier islands, beginning on Memorial Day and ending on Labor Day weekend. That all sounds great if you’re traveling with the kids in tow, but if you’re a couple looking for a romantic getaway, it’s not the ideal situation.

It used to be that there wasn’t much choice as far as the best time to visit the Outer Banks (OBX). Once upon a time, stores and restaurants closed when the last summer guest left, but that isn’t the case anymore, making this a great couples destination for the months of September, October, and even November, when the weather is still fair and it’s still possible to enjoy the beach. As a matter of fact, locals maintain that those arriving in the fall will enjoy some of the best weather the islands have to offer, with temperatures often still climbing into the high 60s in November. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes frustrations and anger can lead to a major blow up at your spouse. Often, people would never blow up at anyone else, however, their spouse gets the brunt of their anger. When people blow up, they may yell, scream, say rude things, or even make threats.

When you blow up at your spouse, it can take a toll on the relationship. You may so or do things that you normally wouldn’t do. You can’t take it back. It can lead to serious marriage problems. Learning how to take steps to avoid blowing up at your spouse and manage your anger is important if you have fallen into this bad habit. Read the rest of this article »

If there’s one thing for sure it’s that in life, there will be bumps in the road. How you handle life’s problems and stressors as a couple can make a big difference in the health of your marriage. Unfortunately, for some couples the stress of minor problems can tear their marriage apart. Take a look at how you and your spouse responds to unexpected problems and examine whether or not there are steps you can take to help them improve your relationship.

Accept that Mishaps Happen

Very few things are for certain in life, but one thing that can be counted on is that there will be bumps in the road. Minor mishaps ranging from rain the ruins your plans to lost luggage at the airport. There will be times that your car breaks down and your house needs repairs.  There are bigger mishaps that will happen as well such as family illness, financial issues, and work related issues. Read the rest of this article »

Healthy people grow and change over time. As they learn new things, work toward improving themselves, and make decisions to better their lives, what they need from their spouse will inevitably change. Although it is normal for this process to happen, many people fear that the changes mean their spouse is no longer the same person or they wonder if they have outgrown their spouse. It’s important to recognize that change can be a good thing.

Marriage requires a delicate balance between lots of factors. This balance may change over time. There may be times a person needs more of one thing from their spouse and less of something else. Learning how to recognize these normal changes can help you respond appropriately. Read the rest of this article »

Spying and snooping on your spouse can create a lot of marital discord. However, many people admit that they frequently check up on their spouse’s activities! It’s important to take a look at the damage that your behaviors may be causing to the relationship if you find yourself spying  on your spouse.

What constitutes spying?

Looking into your spouse’s activities without permission constitutes spying or snooping. Today’s digital world offers endless opportunities to spy on your spouse’s day to day activities. Reading email messages, viewing text messages and call histories, logging into your spouse’s social media accounts, or listening to your spouse’s voicemail messages all constitute spying. Read the rest of this article »

There’s some age old advice that a couple should “never go to bed angry.” However, this may not be the best the advice. In fact, going to bed angry can actually be quite helpful to the marriage as opposed to staying up and resolving the issue right then and there.

Emotions and Thoughts

The more emotional you feel, the less rational you are. That’s why when you are really angry it is hard to think straight. Anger causes people to do and say things they normally wouldn’t. Read the rest of this article »

Today’s busy schedules can make some couples feel like they are ships passing in the night. Long work days and activity-filled weekends can make it hard to find quality time together. Scheduling down time can help couples reconnect and focus on their marriage.

Why We Need Down Time

Being on the go all the time can interfere with effective communication and quality time together. Simply relaxing and enjoying one another’s company can seem impossible for some couples. For others, the mere concept of “doing nothing” together might seem boring or even daunting. Read the rest of this article »

I recently watched The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman again.  It reminded me that we often refuse to recognize that we’re getting older. Consequently, we get into trouble because we refuse to deal with it.  So, if you’re over forty, here are some suggestions:

The most important one is to realize that you don’t have the stamina and resiliency you had when you were younger.  You can’t and shouldn’t push yourself so hard.  You need to ease up.  You need to rest.  You need to take naps.  You need to do the right kinds of exercise.  You need to eat right and to cook right. Read the rest of this article »

There’s tons of research studies on relationships, love, and marriage. Most of them have one thing in common- they explain how making small changes can make a big difference.  Check out these studies to see how smiling, a kiss before work, and a change in language can make a big difference in your marital satisfaction.

1. Men who kiss their wives good-bye in the morning live longer

According to a study conducted by a group of German physicians and psychologists, a kiss in the morning can make men live longer, healthier and more successful lives. According to Dr. Arthur Sazbo, the study concluded that men who kiss their wives each morning earn 20 to 30 percent more than other men. They also found that these men have less of a chance of getting into a car accident on the way to work and live on average, five years longer! Read the rest of this article »

I don’t often recommend a lot of self-help books or seminars to people that come into my office. I find that many of self-help options tend to sound inspirational and encourage change but often don’t make a call to action. This can leave people feeling frustrated when lasting change just doesn’t happen.

I think one exception to the rule is Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. When clients are struggling with debt and feeling overwhelmed with their finances, I sometimes recommend that they look into the program to see if they think it might be right for them. Read the rest of this article »

When married life doesn’t live up to one’s expectations, dissatisfaction can set in. Often this can lead to a person blaming their spouse for not making marriage everything they hoped it would be. It is often these feelings of disappointment that cause people to feel let down by the reality of marriage.

Movies, books, and television often portray stories of romance and love that reality just can’t live up to. Based on these sorts of images, people often develop dreams and expectations about marriage. Many people hope that marriage will cure their sadness, resolve their problems, and lead to eternal happiness. However, this just isn’t reality. Read the rest of this article »

Remarriage after a divorce can be even more complicated than marrying for the first time. It’s important to carefully prepare for the obstacles you may encounter in a second marriage. When you enter into your second marriage after becoming divorced, consider how to respond to the complicating factors.

Step-Kids

Step-children can definitely complicate any new marriage. Factor in issues such as visitation with the other parent, child support issues, and custody problems and it can put a strain on an otherwise healthy relationship. Learning how to parent someone else’s children while trying to establish a relationship with a new spouse is bound to create some marital problems. Read the rest of this article »

There are lots of books that have hit the shelves lately that try to inspire people to quit their day job and follow their dreams. Books such as Quitter and the 4-Hour Work Week, encourage people to stop their day job in order to do something they are really passionate about. Although this can be great advice, it can cause some serious marital problems.

Many people don’t even know what their dream in life might be. But there are those that are confident in knowing what their dream is. Sometimes people feel like they’ve known their whole lives while other people don’t come to recognize their dream until later on. Read the rest of this article »

Truly, few cities in the U.S. are more romantic than wild, wonderful New York City. But whether or not you find New York City to be an ideal destination for lovers will largely depend on your preferences for big city versus beach, mountains, or some other off-the-beaten track destination. Some people just aren’t into the city, but if you do indeed enjoy urban experiences, none is more filled with great things for couples to do than Manhattan.

If you’re heading to “The City” for a long weekend, you can easily fill it up with a plethora of activities that will no doubt renew that romantic spark that’s been buried deep down under the pressures of work and family life. Just a day or two in NYC is sure to make you smile and relax, providing an opportunity to reconnect with your partner. That said, however, if you don’t like crowds and noise this isn’t the place for you. But if you thrive on the excitement of the city, check out this list of romantic must-dos! Read the rest of this article »

Marriage requires a variety of skills and tools in order for it to be successful. In addition to having the skills and tools, a successful marriage requires a lot of effort and hard work in applying these tools. Just like in any tool box, there will be some tools you use more often than others and you may have some favorites. Learn how to fine tune some of the most important skills and it will greatly improve your marriage.

Even if you think your marriage is doing “okay” or even “well,” there’s always some work that can be done. Nobody is perfect and a desire to keep improving and growing is the sign of someone working toward being their best. If you work on being the best partner you can, you will likely notice that it greatly improves your marriage. Focusing on what you can do better and how you can improve the marriage without trying to force your spouse to change is a great way to help the relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Every marriage has its ups and downs. If you decide to seek counseling to help you weather some of those “down times,” there are some things you should be prepared to talk about. One of the most important factors that determine success in counseling is your willingness to be honest.

Although some subjects may seem unimportant, embarrassing, or awkward to discuss, it is important to share them with your marriage counselor. Based on the information you share, your counselor will make suggestions on what you can do to improve your marriage. There are also times that the information may lead the counselor to recommend that you seek individual treatment to help you resolve some specific issues that can help you in your relationship.

Keeping secrets will only make things worse. Be honest about your history. Also, be willing to share things about your spouse when your spouse isn’t. Make it clear to your spouse that you are willing to be honest in an attempt to make a real attempt at improving your relationship. Read the rest of this article »

It’s true what they say – when you marry someone, you really marry the whole family. Get married to someone when you dislike the family and it can lead to many tense and awkward moments. Fights over issues related to extended family can cause some serious marital problems for some couples.  It can be helpful to establish some rules to help you live more peacefully with your in-laws.

Be Open with Your Spouse

It’s important to be open and honest toward your spouse. However, use tact and don’t be rude. When you discuss times when you feel frustrated or hurt by your in-laws, use “I” messages. For example, state, “I felt hurt when your mother said my idea was ridiculous,” versus, “Your mother is such as a jerk. She doesn’t even recognize a good idea when she hears it.” Read the rest of this article »