A common complaint in many marriages surrounds issues with in-laws. The role that your parents and your partner’s parents play in your life can have a big impact on your marriage. Successfully being able to separate from your parents when you are married is very important.
If you or your spouse relies heavily on your parents or in-laws it can become problematic within the marriage. If your spouse tends to seek advice from their parents about things such as parenting, buying a home, or changing jobs, the issue then becomes more of a family issue rather than a couples’ issue. This can cause lots of problems for the other partner.
Parents and in-laws often are well-meaning but can become overly involved in day to day activities. Seeking advice, complaining about your spouse after an argument, or using them as your confidant can fuel this issue. This can also leave your spouse left feeling frustrated and isolated.
Make sure to discuss your parents and your in-laws role with your spouse. Talk about concerns and discuss the need to ensure that “family decisions” are made between the two of you without requiring parental consent. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with sharing your joys and sorrows with your extended family but boundaries and limits need to be set.
No man wants to hear how his wife’s father is a better carpenter any more than any woman wants to hear her husband’s mother is a better cook. Make sure you don’t set up any competition to fuel the fire when it comes to dealing with your parents. Also ensure that you don’t rely too heavily on your parents for financial or emotional support. Part of a happy marriage is dependent upon relying on your spouse and working together as a team to meet your goals.
When couples disagree about how to settle these matters it can lead to increased conflict and isolation. If your in-laws and extended family are a source of conflict in your marriage, you may want to consider therapy to help sort it out. Your in-laws are probably not going anyway, so deciding what role they should play in your lives is an important part to the marriage.
Everyone will experience a loss at some point in their lives; many already have. If you or your partner have lost a loved one, you know what a tumultuous time that can be. Grief is defined as a “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” According to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining (”what if’s” and “if only’s”), Depression, and Acceptance. Most people will go through some or all of these stages at some point during the grief process. However, we differ in how quickly we get through it, and it is not necessarily in the same order. It is important to acknowledge that your partner is going through a very difficult time, it is your job to help them through it. The following are some suggestions that might help your family during this time.
Commemorate the day by doing something special in honor of your loved one. For example, do some gardening and plant a tree or rose bush. As it continues to grow and flourish, you will be reminded of your loved one.
Journal.Spend some time writing out your feelings about what this day means to you and what emotions you are experiencing. Getting things out of our head and off our chest is very powerful.
Look at pictures or watch videos that include your loved ones. This may have been a hard thing to do immediately following their deaths, but as time moves on, you will find comfort in seeing their faces and hearing their voices.
If you are a religious person, attend Church or Synogouge services. This can help you feel closer, spiritually, to your loved one, as well as offer community support.
Surround yourself with support. As much as you may want to be alone at this time, try to spend some time with family and friends. Even better, together you can remember your loved one by having a fun meal, going out, or doing something else that the person you are remembering would have enjoyed.
Allow yourself to feel. Cry, yell, whatever. Just don’t ignore your feelings or try to push them aside — welcome all of the emotions, and honor them.
Lastly, if you feel you just can’t seem to get through the loss, or if you need some extra support, consider seeing a grief counselor or joining a grief support group.
I’ll be blunt. If you have to ask that question, then in nine out ten situations the answer is yes. If you are having any doubts at all about your marriage, then you really should be talking to someone about those doubts. Ideally, you should be talking to your partner – if you can’t, then communication is a problem and may be the root cause of some of your problems.
In some cases, one-session marriage counseling is all that is required. In the one session, you may be able to determine the cause of your doubts and what strategies you require to put those doubts to rest. In some cases, you and your partner may require more intense therapy, especially if there are deeper issues at work.
Doubt can be a disease that works away at the mind. Doubt can turn the most innocent statements, actions, gestures, or even facial expressions into quite outlandish allegations. Over time, this will lead to conflict between you and your partner – a situation your partner will find difficult to fathom since they have done no wrong.
All marriages go through rough periods. The key to working through these rough patches is communication. If you talk to your partner about what is troubling you, you can both work through them to a satisfactory conclusion. If you cannot communicate your doubts to your partner, you really should speak to a marriage counselor. They will help you both develop those communication skills while also working on the underlying problems. Do you need a marriage counselor? Just asking suggests you do.
Despite popular opinion to the contrary, marriage counseling is not that expensive. Sure, you could travel to places like New York and spend thousands on a high profile therapist, but they are the exception, not the norm. There are couples who still struggle to find the money to pay for marriage counseling. That doesn’t mean you have to struggle through without any form of help at all. Here are a number of suggestions for finding affordable marriage counseling or advice.
Church – Your church will often have some form of marriage counseling available.
Community Groups – There are community groups available that may offer free or nominal fee counseling. If you’re a single parent, elderly, or have a special need, check with community groups in your neighborhood.
Online – With online counseling you are only paying for the time you use. This is ideal for times when you need help right there and then.
Telephone – Phone counseling is similar to online counseling in that you only pay for the actual time used. Again, great for that instant help.
Self Help – While not counseling in the strictest sense, there are plenty of books and DVD’s available. Your local library may have some. If not, you can find plenty of self-help material that is inexpensive online.
Forums – One of the best options for inexpensive marriage counseling can be through forums – they are free. Counselors often visit forums to offer advice and you can also pick the minds of couples and individuals who have already been through what you are going through.
Government – In some states there are government programs that provide free or inexpensive counseling for people who cannot afford to pay for private counseling. The downside – you may have to wait for some time before your name is on top of the list.
With those options, everyone can have access to affordable marriage counseling.
Anger is an emotion that everyone has and it has developed a sort of negative connotation. Anger in itself is not a bad thing. Many good things have come out of people being angry. Anger has led to positive changes in society when people’s rights are being violated. We should feel some anger when we think of people who are abused or when the think of crimes against people we care about.
The feelings of anger are not bad but sometimes people behave badly when they are angry. Anger can cause lots of marital problems if people are acting out. It’s not just aggressive or violent behaviors that can cause problems but also more passive-aggressive approaches. People who withdraw from their partner out of spite or who secretly want to punish or manipulate their partner can cause some serious damage as well.
Consider how anger is handled in your marriage. What are the sort of silent rules that have probably never been written down yet have been developed about what is acceptable and what is not? Perhaps yelling is a common place in your home. Or maybe it isn’t unusual for someone to receive the “silent treatment” for two days. Consider how these things impact your marriage.
Develop a plan for how you can problem-solve when you and your partner disagree. When one or both of you are angry, it is not a good time try and solve any problems. Instead, develop a plan for calming down before trying to re-visit the issue. This might mean someone leaves the house to go for a walk. Or it might mean deciding not to discuss the issue again until the following day. In order to make any progress, you’ll need to be calm and able to think rationally.
A good problem-solving strategy can include repeating back what the other person has said. This can serve two purposes. First it shows you have heard them and that you understand them correctly. It also can ensure that you are listening. Very often, people are not listening but are instead planning what they want to say next. If you cannot remain calm enough to listen until the other person is done talking, it might signal that you are too angry to problem-solve.
If one of you has a lot of difficulty with anger, it might be a good idea to attend therapy. There are strategies that can help people learn how to manage their anger in more productive ways. People with anger issues can also benefit from learning new skills to help them get their needs met in more appropriate ways.
They say that ‘money is the root of all evil’. They may be right since money is one of the leading causes of conflict in a relationship. There are times when fortune doesn’t favor us and the end result can be a mountain of debt, creditors constantly at the door, and the bank ready to foreclose. Bankruptcy is a difficult period for everyone, but you can survive it. Handled properly, it can help to make a family stronger, and perhaps a little wiser.
If faced with bankruptcy, the loss of a home, and perhaps even your car, the first thing to avoid is the blame game. Loss of a job is a leading cause of bankruptcy as is overextending one’s credit cards. It doesn’t matter if fault exists – what matters is learning from the experience, and building a better tomorrow.
That may sound fanciful, yet it’s exactly the path you need to take, and it’s a path that marriage counselors are well versed at helping families take. The loss of material possessions can be painful – but they are material and they can be replaced over time. You have your family, and it cannot be replaced. So how do you survive an event like bankruptcy? Here are a few suggestions:
forget the blame game
accept that mistakes have been made
learn to let go of what you have lost
plan for your future
A marriage counselor can help you through each of these areas. Letting go of what you have lost can be difficult, especially for children. By working together with a counselor you can regain your self-esteem and confidence, then start to rebuild your lives.
It is very important for couples to have their own friends and to maintain friendships, apart from their partner. Having a girls’ night out or guys spending a day playing a round of golf can be beneficial in lots of ways. Although your partner should be your main confidant, being able to talk and laugh with your friends about work, the kids, or just life in general, can actually make you a better partner.
The best marriage partners are well-rounded individuals. Part of being well-rounded, means having friends. You and your partner may need to negotiate about how much time to spend with friends and when to squeeze this in. It might mean one of you taking turns or perhaps going out with separate friends on the same night.
Spending time with friends who are married and who are supportive of your marriage is important. If your friends talk negatively about your partner, spending time with them is not going to be helpful. Research shows that spending time with others who value their own marriage is helpful in supporting you in your marriage.
Friendships offer a variety of health benefits. Spending time with friends can actually lower your blood pressure. People who feel connected to others tend to sleep better, exercise more, and have a healthier diet. Who wouldn’t want that for their spouse?
Online chats and social media do not replace the “real deal.” Spending time on Facebook does not seem to offer the same results that spending face to face time with friends do. Online community can sometimes give people a false sense of spending time with friends however, it is important to build in some real time together with friends, and only use online communication as an additional means of conversation.
Communicate with your partner about how spending time with friends is helpful. Also discuss some of the potential consequences of spending increased time with friends and problem-solve how to deal with this. For instance, if you having lunch with friends on Saturday afternoon instead of doing your usual chores, how are you going to get the laundry done? Keep in mind that staying home and folding laundry is not likely to give you the same benefits as spending time with your friends. The next time your partner wants to spend time with their friends, consider how it can be a positive thing for them. Remember that when they are happier, they are likely to be a better partner.
Selling a private counseling practice can be almost as hard as setting up a private counseling practice from scratch. Often, the value in the practice is in the practitioner themselves, so the minute they walk out the door, so too does the business. This can make selling quite difficult. However, there are a number of things you can do that can make selling up a little easier. The following steps are only a guide, but they could be well worth considering.
Change the name of your practice – If your practice has been trading under your name, then change it well before you want to sell. If you try to sell a practice that is named after you, the first thing the buyer will need to do is change that name, then sell the new name. Rename it to something more generic now – then sell the new name.
Bring a buyer in as a partner – When selling a practice, a smooth transition can be difficult. Your skills are your business, and as mentioned above, when you leave, your reputation leaves with you. By taking the buyer in as a partner (or employee), they can build their reputation from within.
Advertise in the right places – When you are ready to sell, be sure to advertise in all the ‘right’ places. Where are they? Wherever counselors hang out, of course. Counseling journals, counseling forums, and through word of mouth to other counselors.
Successfully selling a private counseling practice is all about creating a smooth transition from one respected counselor to someone new – of course, they may be coming from a group practice and be bringing their own reputation with them. The downside to selling to these people is that they are not interested in buying your business name so much as buying your business setup. Remember, when selling a private counseling practice, you have to sell the business, not your name. Brand that business and you can sell it; brand yourself and you’ll struggle.
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The average American loves taking vacations. Unfortunately, most of us can only get away once a year. Taking a vacation with your partner is simply not an option. You need the time away from the stress of everyday life at least once a year, if not twice. I’d like to share the top reasons why I believe that vacation is just NOT an option. Whether you choose to vacation with the entire family, or with just your significant other, these points apply to everyone:
Vacationing gives you and your partner a chance to reconnect. Often times, we get too caught up in our day to day routine that we often lose sight of the little things that make life, and our relationships, special. Also, with TV, internet, and other distractions it is easy in “real life” to spend far less time together. Taking a vacation forces you to focus on each other—in a good way
Vacationing gets you out of your daily routine-which, lets face it, can sometimes be too routine. Going away gives you freedom from all of the monotonous tasks you face on a daily basis.
Vacationing enables you to de-stress while truly being away from it all
Relaxation. Let’s face it: Americans are great at their careers and taking care of their families, but we are not so great on taking time to relax. Relaxation is key in practicing self care, and managing things like anxiety and depression. Not surprisingly, the U.S. is a nation with one of the fewest amount of vacation days offered by employers. We need relaxation and vacation in order to be more productive-not only at work but at home as well.
Vacationing gives you a break from the anxiety and stress that daily chores, work, and family responsibilities can cause.
You may be thinking, especially in this economy, that a “staycation” (taking time off from work, but staying home, using that time to run errands or fix up the house, etc.) is just as good as a going away vacation. However, I disagree. A “staycation” is not a true vacation. I am not suggesting you spend thousands of dollars on a luxury trip—you could easily drive to the next closest city or town and stay at a motel—the important thing is to have time away from home and away from all the things that stress you out every day. You will come back refreshed and ready to tackle life. Your kids will thank you, your spouse will thank you. But most importantly, you’ll thank yourself.
We enter into relationships for a variety of reasons – companionship, love, and to be part of a family are just a few. Healthy happy marriages actually bring a lot of benefits to the couple, benefits that single people could not even imagine. If you’re married, think about whether or not you can relate to these:
Health:
Happy married couples tend to be healthier, live longer, and generally feel good about themselves and the world around them
Assets:
We don’t talk about assets, however, happily married couples tend to collect more assets than single people. Two incomes obviously helps while couples tend to plan and work towards specific goals.
Social:
Couples have virtually twice the social network of singles, especially when it comes to family. For most couples, the moment they marry they double their family base. Despite all the in-law jokes, that larger extended family is important.
Sex:
Married couples tend to engage in sex more often than singles. Regular sex is actually a healthy part of life.
Companionship:
Yes, you could have a pet, but it’s not the same. With a pet, you don’t receive any of the above benefits. We’re social animals who thrive on having a mate. Someone to share successes with and someone who can console you when you don’t succeed is important for your emotional health.
If you’re married and you feel you are not reaching your full potential when it comes to some of these benefits, sit down and consider why. Are you really happy? Is your marriage really healthy? If you have any doubts, consider talking to a marriage counselor. If there are problems, they can help you work your way through them. It’s worth the effort when you consider some of the benefits of a happy and healthy marriage.
Perhaps you have wondered if you or maybe your partner may have an anxiety disorder. There are several different types of anxiety. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder results after someone has been exposed to a traumatic experience. Panic Disorder causes people feel symptoms of panic that come out of the blue. Generalized Anxiety causes people to worry about anything and everything. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder causes unwanted intrusive thoughts that lead to ritualistic behaviors.
Anxiety disorders can become debilitating for some people. Anxiety can cause people to have difficulty sleeping. It can also cause increased irritability and can lead to avoidance of things that cause the anxiety to increase.
Anxiety is treatable and manageable with proper treatment. Through therapy and sometimes medication, people can often benefit greatly. However, many people with anxiety disorders do not seek treatment.
When one partner has anxiety, it can impact the relationship in many ways. If you suspect your partner may have any anxiety disorder, but they have not yet sought treatment, talk to them about it. Be supportive and do not be surprised if they are resistent to getting treatment at first. Encourage them to talk to their doctor if they are not willing to try therapy. Educate yourself as much as you can. If they are not agreeable to therapy, you can always go to therapy for yourself.
If your partner is willing to get help, be supportive of their efforts. When appropriate, be willing to join their treatment. Depending on the type of anxiety, the therapist may want to give you some information and exercises you can do with your partner to help them.
For example, if your partner has a panic disorder that causes them to avoid large crowds, the counselor may want to do some exposure therapy. This may require your partner to go into public places with the purpose of de-sensitizing themselves. The counselor may have some specific recommendations on how you can help your partner with this.
Anxiety disorders are treatable. If your marriage is impacted by anxiety, be sure to communicate with your partner. Discuss your concerns and work together on developing a plan for treatment.
Marriage counseling can be a deeply personal experience for some people so placing trust in a marriage counselor can be difficult. Marriage counselors that are based around a religious community – for example, Christian Marriage Counseling – are often able to overcome that barrier. For these individuals, nothing is as deeply personal as their religion, and so they place a lot of trust in these counselors.
Trust is an important issue in any form of counseling. The addition of religion brings that intangible emotion called faith and it is this faith which keeps people strong. Christian-based counseling relies on a combination of prayer, Bible readings, and good old-fashioned counseling skills to help couples resolve issues within their marriage.
There are some that may question whether religion and modern counseling doctrines are compatible. In truth, they are not always compatible, but put twenty counselors in a room together and you would still have a wide range of views on how best to approach certain problems. The assistance that counselors provide is not always based on a doctrine, but on a counselor’s ability to listen to what individuals are saying. The heart of any marriage counseling process is to ultimately have that couple communicating openly and with empathy to each other, not just the counselor.
Religion’s role in marriage counseling can often make the process much easier for everyone, especially the couple seeking counseling. However, I will counter that statement slightly by adding that belief is one of the cornerstones of success in these cases. If one or both of a couple do not truly believe, and only pay lip service to their religion, then a religious-based marriage counselor may struggle to achieve any lasting improvements to the marriage. If you do have a strong religious faith, then sometimes the best place to look for marriage counseling is from within your religious community.
Chances are we all know someone who has struggled with depression at some time in their life. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depression affects about 6.7 % of the US adult population in a given year. You may know someone who is struggling with depression, and this person could even be your spouse. Do you notice your loved one:
Losing interest in things that used to excite them?
Sleeping too little or too much?
Overeating or not eating enough (or gaining/losing significant amounts of weight)?
Having difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or completing tasks?
Having a decrease in energy?
Having irritable mood, restlessness, is continuously sad, or isolating themselves?
Complaining of persistent physical ailments such as headaches, stomach aches, pains, or digestive problems?
If you answered “yes” to at least 2-3 of these, your loved one may be clinically depressed. What should you do when you notice him slipping further away from you?
Reach out. Talk to your spouse and say that you’ve noticed he has not been himself lately. Lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a voice of compassion. Let him know that you are there to listen and to help, that you love him, and want the best for him.
Assess for immediate danger. Depression is linked to high rates of suicide, and you want to make sure that your partner is safe. Find out if he is having any thoughts of harm (even thoughts like, “I wish I was dead” or “The world would be better without me in it”). Next, ask if he has thought about a plan to harm himself and/or have access to a weapon. If he is having suicidal ideations, a plan, or intent to harm, you should take him to the nearest emergency room for a clinical assessment.
Encourage therapy. If your partner is not in immediate danger, but needs professional help, encourage him to confide in someone who is a trained professional. Talk therapy (speaking with a Masters or PhD level counselor) can help address the underlying causes of the depression, identify triggers, and teach coping skills. A therapist might also refer him to a Psychiatrist (a MD) who can prescribe medication if symptoms persist or are not responding to talk therapy.
Anxiety is one of the most common hidden problems in US households. We all suffer from anxiety to some extent and that is a healthy state. However, some people live a life in which anxiety is ever present. These are the people who seem to live with a sense of doom, or who suffer panic attacks for no apparent reason. People who suffer from anxiety often find it difficult to form long-lasting relationships, and this results in a loss of confidence and self esteem.
While anxiety is a major problem for these people, it needn’t be. Anxiety therapists are having a lot of success helping individuals lead normal lives, simply by being able to identify and avoid triggers that produce anxiety situations. Not only are anxiety sufferers leading normal lives, they are able to establish long-lasting relationships including marriage and having a family.
Is anxiety a real problem? It is, however, it is complicated problem that has both physical and mental components. Fears create a chemical surge within the body of someone suffering from anxiety, so what onlookers see is a physical reaction to those chemicals. The sufferer becomes fidgety and they may perspire freely, all signals a body is under stress. The difference between someone under stress and someone suffering from anxiety is that there are no apparent stressors around an anxiety suffer.
If anxiety is creating problems in your life, then seeking the professional services of an anxiety therapist is a must. They can help you put together a plan that will see you defeat your anxiety states and help you to lead a normal life.
Parenting can be a source of conflict for lots of couples. Many couples disagree on discipline practices with their children. When one parent is stricter and the other parents wants to be more laid back, this can be frustrating not only for the couple, but also the children.
Maybe you agree on the big issues like spanking versus time out and perhaps you have already discussed this. However, smaller issues can still be a big source of problems. For example, when do you believe in allowing children to start facing natural consequences?
An example of a natural consequence for a child might be a child who wants to wear shorts, despite the cold weather. One parent might think, “choose your battles” and the reaction would be to allow the child to wear shorts with the assumption, “they will get cold and learn their lesson.” The other parent might assume this is a teaching moment and tell the child they cannot leave the home until they dress appropriately. At what age would you allow the child to face the natural consequence of being cold if they leave the house not appropriately dressed for the weather? One parent might say 8 or 10 while the other parent might say “not as long as they live under my roof.”
Kids quickly learn their parents’ parenting styles and if you are not careful, they can use this to their advantage. This can cause conflict and disagreement among the whole family where one parent ends up “looking like the bad guy.” Parents need to present a united front and act as a team so that each person feels supported and that neither parent becomes the “boss.”
If parenting issues are causing a lot of conflict and disruption, it may be appropriate to seek therapy. This may be some individual therapy, couples therapy, or family therapy depending on the issues. If there is a lot of conflict contributing to increased stress in the home, make sure to seek help before things become even worse. This is important not only for your marriage, but for the children as well.
It’s Monday night. You and your partner are sitting on the couch, unwinding after a long day. The kids are asleep, and you have the next two hours to spend together. Instead, you’re streaming Netflix on your TV, your eyes are fixated on your laptop, and you’re compulsively checking your phone every two minutes for a text message.
How many of us are guilty of a similar scenario? As much as I adore my husband and our quiet time together, we just can’t seem to put our gadgets away and just enjoy each others company.
In the age of Twitter, text messaging, blogging, Facebook, DVR, and email, we are inundated with media. It seems like the days of sitting across from each other and enjoying long conversation are behind us. It makes me wonder if we are losing some very important aspects of our relationships.
Intimacy is essential for a healthy, satisfying relationship, and no, I am not talking about sex (not exclusively, anyway). Intimacy is not just physical—it is also emotional, spiritual, and mental. When our eyes are glued to one of our many devices and not to each other, we lose this connection.
I’d like to propose a “media free” day for couples. A day where the TV is off, the phones are put away (unless, of course, you receive an important call), and the laptops are shut down. A day where you just enjoy the company of your loved ones. Can’t find the courage to do this for an entire day? How about a few hours. Heck…start with 30 minutes! It may be a challenge at first, but soon you’ll remember the “good ‘ol days” of having meaningful conversation and looking into each others eyes. You’ll reconnect with your spouse and your children, and get back some of that lost intimacy. I believe that doing this at least once a week will greatly improve your relationship. And at the end of the day, what’s more important—who’s going home on “The Bachelor”, beating that annoying level of Angry Birds, or recreating the moments that led to you and your partner falling in love in the first place?
It’s a common scenario seen in marriage counselor offices across the country: differences in spending habits. One partner saves and the other spends. Disagreements over money can cause stress, conflict, tension, and a negative home environment. Furthermore, in the United States, finances are also a major cause of divorce. So how do you protect your relationship from becoming another statistic?
First, communication is key. Couples who argue over money are often arguing over deeper issues such as control, freedom, and self worth. In this regard, it is important to address two things: your financial goals as a couple, as well as the underlying causes of the disagreements. Write down your financial goals (i.e. buying a house, investing “x” amount in the market, etc), and discuss both sides of the argument in a calm and positive way.
Next, agree to an acceptable spending limit and set a budget. If one of you wants to buy something that is over that set amount, you have to consult the other first. Having a budget also helps keep you accountable to each other and also to yourself.
Third,don’t have secrets. The word “secret” in a marriage is another word for “lie”. Successful relationships don’t have many secrets (unless you are coming up with a surprise birthday gift, for example). Don’t go on a shopping spree and then attempt to hide the receipts and merchandise from your partner! That is just asking for trouble
Finally, seek help. Having a third party such as a financial advisor assist in your financial planning may ease tensions and limit stress. Additionally, confiding in a counselor will help you learn these valuable communication skills, as well as explore those underlying issues.
When most people get married they go on a honeymoon – supposedly to get to know one another. These days, couples often know each other very well. Many having lived together before the wedding. When we talk about a marriage’s “honeymoon period”, we are talking well beyond the actual honeymoon.
The ‘honeymoon period’ can last several months, or even several years. It is the period where you are both starry eyed, where it doesn’t matter if he leaves the seat up, or she hangs her smalls from every conceivable hook in the bathroom. There will come a time when that starry-eyed look will disappear – and suddenly, it does matter – and for some reason it now annoys you. The honeymoon period is now over.
For most couples, the honeymoon period is something that drifts away. For others, it can be sudden. Even couples whose honeymoon period has drifted off still wake up with the realization that things are now different – it often follows a period of conflict. So how do you survive the end of that honeymoon period? Many couples don’t. Reality sets in and suddenly the whole marriage becomes a mistake.
This is the maturing of a marriage and the process can be painful. Marriage counseling during this period can be a real help as it helps each partner to understand why some things in their relationship are changing, and how they can use these changes to make their marriage stronger. One area where many couples go wrong is in waiting for big problems to surface before seeking counseling. If you feel uncomfortable in your relationship, that is the time to seek help – don’t wait until it’s too late.
There are few relationships that are really perfect; in fact, most relationships go through their ups and down. Some relationships seem to go through the extremes. One moment they are quite happy, and the next, one member is walking out, either ‘going back home to mom’ or ‘spending the night in town’. These are the relationships that are bouncing with neither party truly happy. In the long run, these relationships are doomed to fail unless some action is taken to stop the bounce. If you want to stop your relationship from bouncing, consider some of these issues.
Patterns: A close examination of a bouncing relationship can often reveal patterns to the highs and lows. The end of the month when bills are due, binge drinking, and children are often a common source of disagreement amongst couples. If you can identify these patterns, you may be able to work together to change the way they affect your relationship.
Gratification: There are many people who live for a secondary gain such as personal gratification. Why does she ‘go back home to mom’? Because she wants him to ask her to come home (and that’s why he stays in town too). If you can identify this secondary gain in your relationship, then you may need the services of a professional counselor to help you work through them.
Reality: Unreal expectations can create a lot of tension in a relationship. The wife isn’t as good a cook as his mom; the husband isn’t being promoted and earning more; these are often expectations we have that over time are not fulfilled. Sometimes a reality check is in order. Does your wife have to be a great cook? Does your husband need to be constantly climbing the corporate ladder?
Communication: You could tie all of the above into poor communication for both sides of the relationship. Being able to express oneself clearly and freely is important in any relationship. Being able to stop and actually listen to what your partner saying is equally important. Develop good communication skills and you’re well on your way to solving many of the problems that occur in a relationship.
If you can identify one or more of those issues in your relationship, then the time has come to do something about resolving those issues. Counseling is an important tool that helps open communication channels while also dealing with individual problems. If your relationship is bouncing around, either bounce it altogether or work together to stop the bounce.
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