The Marriage Counseling Blog

Many people have heard advice or words of wisdom from couples who report that they “never go to bed angry.” But is this really sound advice? In a perfect world, it would be great if all problems could be solved by 10 p.m. and everyone went to bed feeling happy and loved. However, in the real world, this isn’t always possible.

If you and your spouse have had a conflict during the day, there’s no rule that says you have to solve it by the end of the day. In fact, you may be more emotional by the end of the day if there has been ongoing conflict. The more emotional you feel, the less productive trying to resolve a problem is going to be. When emotions are high, arguments are likely to become heated. People’s voices raise, their listening skills decrease, and logic goes out the window. Going to sleep may help you to wake up feeling less emotional in the morning.
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In such a difficult economy, an increasing number of couples are looking for effective strategies to improve, strengthen or even save their marriages, without having to incur the often substantial expense of working with a professional counselor.

There are so many popular books and websites out there offering untested and unprofessional strategies for saving or transforming a marriage. These approaches are often based on the opinions and motives of the author or marketer presenting them, than they are based on solid empirical evidence and counseling research. Read the rest of this article »

We don’t often talk about what we do to help our partner to put on—and keep on—extra weight.  Yet, it’s a very powerful force in our lives.  Here are some thoughts about this—and some tips to try to help both of you.

Before we begin, let’s say A is the person at risk and B is not—at this time.

First, we do generally eat together.  So ask yourselves:  Who does the deciding of menus and then the cooking?  Does A, who has gone to see the doctor and knows that s/he is at risk and is following the doctor’s and nutritionist’s advice?  Or is it B, who supposedly tries to take into consideration A’s needs but thinks that s/he still has needs and traditions of his/her own?  With one couple I treated, she was on a diet—but he insisted on traditional Mexican food with sour cream on the burritos. So she “compromised”—she “gave” him that one meal—but for both of them. Read the rest of this article »

Couples want honesty with each other.  Most marriages also want emotional closeness, trust, respect, clear communications, and joy.  When those things are lost in relationship, the stunning truth is that couples can recover those qualities with the help of a good and realistic marriage counselor.

Here’s the secret many counselors overlook: It is not you or your loved one who’s at fault for misery in marriage.  People don’t screw up marriage or significant relationships.  Patterns of thought and interaction you use to do marriage mess things up. Those then lead to troubled marriages. Read the rest of this article »

People tend to recognize the importance of physical touch when it comes to babies and children. Infants are held much of the time. Many cultures place babies in a sling so they can be held close to their parent all the time. Children are given hugs and kisses regularly. However, many people underestimate the importance of physical touch in a romantic relationship.

Touch can be used for good or bad. People who experience physical or sexual abuse may suffer from emotional trauma as a result of how significant that touch was. When touch is used in a good way, it can an equally powerful, positive effect. Read the rest of this article »

Creating positive memories throughout your marriage is very important. Relationships can be like a bank account. You can make any withdrawals unless you have made deposits. Deposits are the positive things that occur within the marriage. Withdrawals are the more difficult parts of the marriage. Creating positive memories makes deposits within the relationship bank.

When people reflect on how their relationship is with their spouse, they draw on memories. If someone only remembers arguing, conflict, and lack of communication, the person is going to feel as though their relationship status is poor. If you determine you have a bad relationship, you are less likely to work on the relationship and less likely to expect it to be anything but bad. Read the rest of this article »

It’s important to identify what sorts of stereotypes impact your beliefs about the man’s role and the woman’s role within the marriage. People develop beliefs about roles within the marriage based on what sorts of relationships they witnessed within their own family. Stereotypes also develop based on media images.

Children look to their parent’s relationship as the first example of a romantic relationship. Witnessing what roles their father and their mother play within the home is witnessed by the child. Children tend to assume that this is what all relationships must be like. Read the rest of this article »

There may be times that you find yourself having a conflict with your partner and he uses some “dirty tricks” instead of fighting fair. Perhaps he isn’t willing to work on solving the issue or maybe he’s behaving in a way that is unacceptable. Maybe you are trying to remain calm and use the skills you have to solve the conflict but don’t know what to do when these “dirty tricks” emerge.

Maybe during an argument your spouse starts to call you names. You may be tempted to call her names back out of anger. However, this isn’t likely to get anything resolved any time soon. The best approach is to be assertive and point out what is happening.  Make a statement about how you are talking about the issue. Read the rest of this article »

Most couples never sit down and discuss what specifically constitutes cheating within their relationship. However, different couples consider different things to be an act of infidelity. It’s important to recognize what you would consider to be unacceptable behaviors.

In an age of increased technology, there are many more opportunities for couples to engage in secret behaviors. The news is full of politicians caught having secret affairs. Many affairs start with people who use technology to begin a secret relationship. The internet offers many opportunities for people to anonymously post personal ads or answer them. Pictures can be sent discreetly. And texting and tweeting allow for ongoing secretive communication. Read the rest of this article »

When people are dating, they tend to talk a lot about themselves, their goals, their history, and their feelings. However, for many couples, years of marriage can cause communication to become more like a business deal. Conversations may become centered around schedules, household responsibilities, and financial decisions.

Lack of quality conversation can have a negative impact on a marriage. These quality conversations are one of the things that separates the relationship between spouses from other relationships. Being able to talk to your spouse about your feelings is important. Read the rest of this article »

There are many marriage counseling alternative self-help programs on the market these days, and I’ve been fortunate enough to review nearly all of them. The one I like the best so far is Mort Fertel’s “Marriage Fitness,” so I’ve decided to name it the “2011 Best Marriage Self Help Program.”

One of the things I like best about Marriage Fitness is that it doesn’t cost anything to get started and see if the program is right for you. Simply go to Mort’s website, sign up for his newsletter and take the free marriage assessments. The assessments are short, and taking them will help to identify key problem areas in your marriage that typically affect troubled marriages.

As soon as you enter your name and email address, you will be sent an introductory email that provides a link to the assessments. They cover 5 main areas that troubled marriages typically show problems in:

1. Priority – areas that describe how you prioritize your spouse.
2. Knowledge of Your Spouse – how well do you know your spouse?
3. Giving Patterns – how much time and energy do you put into your relationship and showing your spouse that you care?
4. Decision Making – how much do you include your spouse in decisions you are responsible for?
5. Fidelity – how much of your behavior contributes to infidelity?

Once this is done you will get a score and evaluation of your responses. Free advice will continue to stream into your mailbox on a regular basis, but even more benefit can be gained from purchasing the actual Marriage Fitness programs. Marriage Fitness is comprehensive and covers all of the areas discussed in the assessments. Read the rest of this article »

Here’s what I mean: If you told a potential boss you would not embezzle  money from them if they hired you, do you think they would hire you?  Or, if the person at the daycare where you leave your kids every day said to you, “I’m a good daycare person because I do not molest your children in your absence,” would that alone make you feel comfortable leaving them with that person?

I bet your answer to my two questions above is one word – “No.” Or maybe it’s two words: “Absolutely not!” So here’s what I don’t get: why do we do this to each other and then wonder why the marriage or relationship is not working? Read the rest of this article »

Many couples spend countless hours planning their wedding day. However, a lot of those same couples don’t spend nearly as much time planning their marriage together. It is very important for couples to talk about their goals, values, and hopes and dreams prior to getting married to ensure that these will be compatible with their future spouse’s ambitions.

Sometimes during the dating phase of a relationship, subjects about future goals just don’t seem to come up often enough. A couple who has never purchased a house together, shared a checkbook, or raised children, might not take the opportunity to discuss their values about these things in a serious manner. Make the time to discuss important topics before you start talking about marriage and a wedding. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people develop a negative attitude about their relationship and become convinced that some things are never going well or are always bad. By looking for exceptions to the rule, it can offer you some insight into what has helped in the past. Exceptions show situations where things were not the way they usually are.

For example, a woman may say that she and her husband never agree on financial issues. It would be important for her to ask herself when was a time that they did agree on a money-related issue? It’s likely that at least once in their marriage they agreed on a money-related issue at least one time. Maybe they agreed on which television to purchase last year. Or maybe they agreed on how much money to set aside for their retirement fund. It would be important to note that there have been times that they did agree. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples have a re-occurring disagreement. This can start to impact the good times in the relationship because the subject causing distress always comes up. It can become very frustrating and both people can begin to feel like nothing ever gets accomplished. In these cases, it may make sense to schedule a time to talk about these issues and agree not to discuss the issue outside of these times.

Maybe you dislike her family and each day you bring up the fact of how she seems to care more for her parents than for you. Or maybe he had an affair and although you want to work it out, each day you bring it up because you feel like you are constantly reminded of it. Or maybe he’s been unemployed for a few months and you don’t see him as attempting to find work and you remind him each day to hurry up and find work. These sorts of issues can impact the entire marriage, especially when the subject is brought up constantly. Read the rest of this article »

Even bad marriages have something about the relationship that seems to work. It might not be a lot of things that work, but there must be something. Focusing on the strengths of a couple can go a long way in making changes.

More often than not, people seem to focus on what isn’t working in their relationship. How often do you hear of someone calling their best friend or their mother to say, “hey, guess what is great about my marriage?” Instead, people tend to share their gripes about their partner and about what isn’t working in their eyes. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people say that their partner just does not know how to communicate. Often, women will say, “my husband just does not know how to express himself.” It is actually impossible to not communicate at all. Even if he’s not talking, he’s still communicating.

The majority of communication is actually non-verbal. So if your partner isn’t talking much, it doesn’t mean he’s not communicating. It may be true that he talks less than you do, but his personality may be such that he tends to think about things a lot more than talk about them. There’s nothing wrong with internalizing issues prior to talking about them. Read the rest of this article »

In today’s fast-paced world, many people report being busier than ever. People often say they have little to no free time, and most people report not having a hobby. Instead, people report being overworked, stressed out with household chores, and lacking opportunities to spend time doing something they enjoy.

Most people tend to think that they don’t have time to have a hobby and don’t place much importance on having one.  However, something as simple as having a hobby can actually improve your marriage. Having a hobby can increase your life satisfaction and overall happiness. It can decrease your stress and decrease your irritability.
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When you and your partner have a disagreement, how do your conflicts end? It’s important to examine how your conflicts resolve. Healthy conflict resolution is good for the marriage. If your conflicts do not end in a healthy way, it can create further marital problems.

When you and your partner disagree on an issue, what happens? Do you yell and scream until someone walks off? Do you eventually pretend to agree with your partner even though you don’t, just to make the arguing stop? Do you yell until your partner “hears” you? Do you feel like you have to win? Or do you just stop talking and the problem never gets resolved? Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people say they just aren’t getting enough out of their marriage. They might even say the spark is gone and they’ve drifted apart from their partner. The question becomes, how much energy is this person devoting to their relationship? Perhaps if they feel they aren’t getting enough out, they may back off and decide not to put much into the relationship. This can cause further dissolution of the relationship which perpetuates the problems.

If you never spent any quality time with your children, do you think you would still have a great relationship with them? Probably not. Children grow up fast and it’s important to keep a close relationship with them. In order to do so, you need to spend time with them on a regular basis. Effort and energy need to be devoted to your children daily. Read the rest of this article »