The Marriage Counseling Blog

Should parents fight?  Should parents fight in front of their kids?  Behind locked doors?  What happens to the children when parents fight?  Here are some thoughts and ways to handle it better.

People have differences, even parents.  So, how do you handle them?  Does handling involve discussion, arguments, yelling, screaming, rage, demeaning the other, hitting someone, hitting everything, destroying the house?  You should try to find civil ways to handle the differences.  That doesn’t mean you can’t be heated and passionate about them.  It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be arguing in front of the children (and the pets, let’s not forget the pets!) Read the rest of this article »

Pornography can be a big issue in some marriages. Often, it’s the men who want to view it and the wives who aren’t comfortable with it. It leads to some people asking, is pornography really bad for a marriage?

One of the potential problems with pornography is that it can become addictive. Watching pornographic images increases dopamine levels in the brain, just like many drugs do. This can lead to an addiction. Just like other addictions, people have to get more of it in order to satisfy their needs. Read the rest of this article »

Many people would say that they treat their spouse quite well. However, it’s important to look at how you really treat your spouse each day. How many positive actions do you have compared to negative interactions?

How do you treat your spouse when you are at your best? What behaviors do you exhibit? How do you talk to your spouse and what things do you say? Now take a look at how you act during your worst moments? Do you treat your spouse differently when you are in a bad mood or after a bad day? Read the rest of this article »

It’s important to distinguish the difference between angry behaviors and abusive behaviors. Anger is a natural and normal feeling. However, the behaviors people exhibit when they feel angry may or may not be acceptable. Abuse should not be tolerated.

The underlying reasons for angry behaviors and abusive behaviors are different. When people are angry they may lash out or say things they don’t mean out of difficulty being rational while feeling so upset. Angry feelings can cause people to do or say some things they might not normally do and say. This, however, shouldn’t be used as an excuse. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes couples don’t ever really take stock of how much complaining they do to one another. It’s imperative to periodically review your communication style and strengths as well as your weaknesses. If much of your communication includes complaints, it is important to change this.

Complaining is necessary sometimes. However, if too much of your communication includes complaints, it is going to have a negative impact on your relationship. Complaining too much breaks down communication in general and slowly breaks down the relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Part of being married to someone means that your spouse will get on your nerves sometimes. Some of their habits are likely to annoy you. How you respond when you feel annoyed, makes a big difference in your marriage.

Something important to remember when you feel annoyed by your spouse is that you annoy your spouse as well. It isn’t possible to live with someone and never feel irritated or annoyed. It’s natural. Keep this in mind and think about how you would like your spouse to respond to you when you behave in an annoying manner. Read the rest of this article »

Have you ever noticed how marriages can be very different? Some couples treat each other like royalty. Other couples tend to complain about their spouse and act as if their marriage is a nuisance. It can be helpful to take a look around at the marriages around you and learn from them.

People who are happily married behave differently. Think about the happiest couples you know. For some people, it can be hard to conjure up happily married people. Sadly, for some unhappy marriages seem to be the norm.

When you do think of a happily married couple you are familiar with, what do you notice? How do they treat one another? How do they behave? Happily married couples tend to have many more positive interactions with one another. You may see them talk positively to their partner through compliments. They may offer one another support. They may appear to be more physically affectionate. They also are likely to work together better.

Then take notice of a couple who you know is not satisfied with their marriage. How do their behaviors compare? Do they complain to each other? Do they treat their partner disrespectfully?  Do they avoid spending time together? Read the rest of this article »

The holidays are coming up fast.  Family and friends loom at the door.  Yet the holidays sometimes mean that we are not going to be happy.  We are reminded of family fights, lost friends, other painful issues.  Are there some ways to get through the holidays without feeling depressed?

Let me start off with a comic note, pun intended.  Sally Forth, in the comic strip of the same name, is currently struggling about how to handle Thanksgiving.  She is in the middle of inviting her domineering and insensitive mother—and her mother’s much younger boyfriend–to the event. So far, Sally has decided not to invite her younger flakey sister, who happens to be dating Sally’s patronizing and piggish ex-boss.  Stay tuned to what happens next! Read the rest of this article »

Many people feel guilt about feeling anger. Often, they deny that they ever even become angry. Although being slow to anger is a great quality, denying that you ever even feel angry can have serious consequences.

Anger is a feeling just like happiness, sadness, and fear. It isn’t wrong to feel angry. In fact, when you live with someone, it is inevitable that you will sometimes feel angry about things. Read the rest of this article »

We usually think that we and other people are raising our kids.  We make up our lists of those entrusted with this task—ourselves, our partners, our families and friends, our baby sitters, and our child care people.  But what about the non-people that should be on the list?  And what are our kids learning? (BTW, The Sunday Parade Insert from Oct. 9, 2011, p.9+ has a great article about changes in kids’ brains when using computers.) Read the rest of this article »

Arguments can be productive to a marriage when they are done right. When they aren’t done right, they can damage the marriage. Learning to evaluate your arguments and your role in them can help you establish a plan to make them more productive.

During an argument, do either of you end up feeling hurt? If so, it’s important to evaluate the reason. It may be an obvious reason such as one of you says outright hurtful things. If so, anger management and conflict resolution skills can help. It may be a more subtle reason, such as not feeling heard or feeling like your partner doesn’t care about your feelings. If this is the case, it is important to learn how to be more respectful to one another and how to validate each other’s feelings. Read the rest of this article »

There are times that it may make sense to give up the fight and not argue. If you’ve brought it up  to your partner in the past and nothing changes, can you accept that your partner may not change? Sometimes small disagreements continue over and over again yet nothing changes, and the arguments continue.

Denise argued with Harold about the fact that he always threw his clothes on the floor at the end of the day. She purchased a new hamper and thought if she put it on his side of the room he’d start putting his clothes in it. However, he didn’t. She often yelled at him and called him a “slob.” She tried picking his clothes up herself sometimes. Other times, she let them pile up on the floor in hopes he would eventually pick them up. However, his behaviors didn’t change. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples find themselves becoming distanced after the birth of their first baby. There are some strategies couples can use to help them stay connected after bringing home a new member of the family. It can take some extra time and effort to keep the intimacy and connection.

Sometimes fathers feel left out when a new baby is brought home. Typically, women receive a lot of support from friends and family members throughout the pregnancy and after the baby’s birth. Men, however, often don’t receive any support. This may lead to men further distancing themselves by not being home as much and by not putting in as much quality time with the baby. Read the rest of this article »

Many conflicts arise out of fear. Identifying what these fears are can be helpful in establishing a solution. This can help you determine a course of action to address your fears while also working toward meeting your partner’s needs.

When you disagree with your partner, ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t intervene?” Answering this question is an important step that is often overlooked. Read the rest of this article »

Some people tend to behave crabby and irritable all the time. They are easily angered and let their frustrations be known. This can have serious negative consequences to all of their relationships, especially their marriage.

People who always seem to be in a bad mood tend to point out minor inconveniences in life. They often feel that their life isn’t fair and the world is against them.  This sort of mindset leads to people looking for evidence that their life is hard. Read the rest of this article »

It can be easy to get stuck in a rut.  A couple’s calendar may be filled with the same activities month after month. Maybe each evening looks the same and each weekend looks like the last. Although there is a certain amount of comfort that comes with predictability, it can also become boring.

It takes some effort to spice things up and keep things from becoming boring. Perhaps your week centers around various errands, appointments, and childcare. Maybe you visit the same friends and family members on the weekends. Maybe when you do have a night out you do the same things each time. Perhaps you eat at the same restaurant with the same people. Read the rest of this article »

Have you ever thought about what would be different if your marriage was great? What would you be doing differently? How would you be interacting differently with your spouse?  The answers to these questions are very important and can be helpful in determining strategies to improve your marriage.

If your marriage was better would you be spending more time together? Would you be doing fun things and going on dates? Would your sex life be fantastic? Would you be able to talk about your feelings, hopes and dreams and would you spend time talking about anything and everything? Or maybe you picture something different. Read the rest of this article »

Are you prepared for a disaster?  What if there is a hurricane, fire, earthquake or tornado?

Are you ready?  I want to begin to share some suggestions with you.  In terms of my background in this area, I have been Red Cross trained and am a member of my local Medical Service Corps.  I am also chair of my local psych association’s Disaster Response Network. Read the rest of this article »

Unemployment can be a big stressor for anyone. The stress can create marital problems if it is not handled appropropriately. If you become unemployed, it’s essential that you learn how to manage yourself and your stress so that you don’t create more stress for your partner.

When people lose their job, they often become disoriented. When someone is used to having the structure of a job, the freedom of not having anything to do can actually be stressful. Lack of a routine can be problematic and boredom can be stressful. Read the rest of this article »

Couples who struggle to resolve problems can benefit greatly from brainstorming. Although brainstorming was first invented for use in the business world, it has been found to be effective with relationships as well. Brainstorming can be used for a variety of issues and can ensure that both people are able to express their ideas.

Brainstorming can help you resolve a variety of issues. Examples include deciding where to go on vacation, how to handle financial problems, resolving issues about household chores, and parenting issues. It can assist with many day to day practical issues as well such as how to pick up the kids from school and get them to soccer practice on time when both partners have other obligations. Read the rest of this article »