The Marriage Counseling Blog

Every marriage goes through rough patches. Often all that is needed is some friendly advice on how to deal with the issue at hand. In many cases, couples steer their way through the problem with no outside help at all. Online counseling has proven to be effective for a number of reasons. First, it is instant – you have a problem so you jump online and link up with a counselor immediately.

This produces instant results in the form of a friendly ear and some professional advice. What makes an online counseling service even more appealing to many is that it is relatively anonymous. The counselor can’t see you or even hear your voice – the discussion takes place through a chat type window – at least from your side. Your online counselor could walk past you tomorrow and they wouldn’t recognize you at all.

Anonymity often allows people the freedom to really be themselves, to really talk from the heart. This means it is easier to get to the real heart of problems very quickly. The end result is that clients are able to obtain advice that is relevant to their problems.

Telephone counseling is able to deliver similar results for the same reason. What makes telephone counseling somewhat better at times is that it is a real conversation – not just words typed into a computer. This can bring a higher degree of reality to the counseling session, even if it is only for five or ten minutes.

If you and your partner are going through a rough patch, consider either online or telephone counseling as a first step. You may be surprised at home much a counselor can do for your marriage in such a short period of time.

One of the most important aspects of any relationship, particularly a marriage, is friendship. When you look at your partner, can you say they are your best friend? Can you confide all your fears to them, talk about them, and perhaps work together to resolve them? There are often times when third parties are our best friends, not our partners.

There’s nothing wrong with having good close friends. In fact, it’s healthy and it can be very good for relationships. What couples shouldn’t be doing is discussing important issues with their friends when the only way to resolve them is by discussing them with their partners. Getting advice on how best to approach issues is fine, so long as you follow up on that advice, but be warned, the advice offered is not necessarily the right advice and it could result in adverse outcomes.

A good close friendship can be seen as an extension of your family. However, remember it is an extension, not a replacement. The best advice for marriage issues can only be found through professional counselors – you can even gain free marriage advice if you really need it. While the advice offered by friends may come from experience, their situation may well have been quite different to yours.

Ultimately, your best friend has to be your partner. If you are having difficulties communicating with your partner, it is time to call in some professional help. Communication is the single most important factor in any successful marriage since it reinforces every component of true friendship. While friendship is important to any marriage, being good friends does not guarantee a successful marriage. However, not being good friends can almost guarantee a failed marriage.

Do office romances destroy marriages? Often, they don’t. What destroys a marriage is breaking off an office romance. When an office romance comes to an end, there is often tension in the workplace, especially if one person has broken off the relationship against the wishes of the other. This tension often boils over and effects workplace performances and the marriage at home.

Many a career has been broken due to an office romance that went sour. In fact, while the career has been destroyed, counseling may well be saving the marriage. Infidelity is a leading cause of marriage breakdown and often that infidelity involves a work colleague. It’s not surprising since we tend to spend a lot of life in the workplace.

I know many people would argue that not becoming involved in the first place would have saved the marriage – however, that is not necessarily true. In many cases, the marriage is already heading downhill – infidelity is just a symptom of those problems. What is true, however, is that careers are certainly safer if office romances are avoided.

Online forums can be a great place to discuss issues such as infidelity. I am often surprised at the number of people, particularly wives, who are ready to forgive and forget their spouse’s infidelity. While forgiving is understandable, talking to a marriage counselor is better than forgetting. As I stated previously, infidelity is often a sign of problems within a relationship, and these need to be addressed. For those contemplating an office romance – think carefully – it’s not only your marriage that you are putting at risk, it is also your career. Counselors can help you put your marriage back together, but no one can put your career back together.

Why are we seeing more long term marriages falling apart? Any ideas? There are many reasons why a long term marriage falls apart, but in most cases what we haven’t seen is the marriage slowly breaking down. Couples, especially those with children or professional reputations to consider, can be very adept at hiding what is truly going on behind closed doors.

What we do know is that if these couples had started counseling early on, there is a good chance that these marriages would have grown stronger, not weaker. One of the more common excuses for a long term marriage failing is that the couple were ‘drifting apart’. We all grow and develop as we age – we can choose to drift apart, or we can choose to play an active role in our partner’s lives as they grow.

This is one area where counseling can be of real assistance to marriages. Counselors can teach couples how to grow as individuals while also growing as a couple. We need the freedom to be ourselves and to grow, but that doesn’t mean it has to be at the cost of a marriage.

Children leaving the home and making their own lives always leaves a vacuum in the home. Mothers, who haven’t been working, are suddenly free – yet they have no idea what they should be doing. Others become involved in activities in the years before their last child leaves home. The latter are more fulfilled and handle the ’empty nest’ syndrome much easier.

There is one more reason why long term marriages seem to break up more often today. The reason is very simple – because they can. In the past, it was not ‘the done thing’ to break up after the children left home. The mother of the house often had no resources to fall back on, certainly few skills or employment options. Learning from home, more spouse protection in divorce settlements, and stronger social networks are making these separations much easier.

Before your marriage reaches this point, talk to a marriage counselor. You can both grow independently, yet that independence can be used to strengthen your marriage – not weaken it.

This may sound like a strange question when it comes to relationships and marriages – but when did you last review your priorities? If I asked you to write down your priorities for this year, what would be on your list? It’s very rare to see any reference to a marriage or relationship in a list of priorities – I wonder why?

A few questions there to get your gray matter ticking over. We often include things like acquiring a home, or refinancing; buying a new car; getting little Johnny into a private school; or perhaps even changing careers. What should be at the top of every list is working on building a stronger relationship with your partner.

Relationships, whether formalized in marriage or just good friends, take a lot of hard work to maintain. Problems arise when people let their relationship just drift, thinking it will look after itself. Sometimes it does although those relationships often appear a little lifeless.

Of course, there are many marriages out there where one or both partners work at their relationship without even thinking – because they truly care everything seems to come naturally. They are the fortunate couples, the couples you see still happy together 60 years down the track.

If you feel your relationship is not really going anywhere, is perhaps feeling a little stale, then take a moment to sit down and reassess your priorities. Perhaps that new car can wait a few months longer while you both take a romantic escape for a weekend, or a week. Put your relationship at the top, and often those other priorities become easier to achieve.

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Our recent posts have been very much on the positive side of saving marriages. If you read them, you will notice there is one thread that is common to all of them – and that is that a marriage can only be saved if both partners really commit to saving that marriage.

There’s a sad truth when it comes to relationships, you can’t make someone love you again. At the same time, you can’t force someone to trust again, especially if that trust has breached on numerous occasions. When this situation arises, it may well be time to take stock, and to decide that perhaps it’s time to quit the marriage.

This can be a hard decision, but if there is no chance of restoring a happy and healthy relationship, then you do need to make that decision. While marriage counselors spend most of their working life rebuilding relationships, they can be a great tool resource for those looking to amicably bring their relationship to a close.

If children are involved, this becomes particularly important. Amicable separations happen more often than most realize. We only see the bad ones on TV, especially when there is a lot of violence attached, or the couple are very wealthy and they are fighting over possession of everything (including the dog).

When a couple decide to end their marriage amicably, the whole process becomes much easier. For children, they are able to communicate freely with both parents without fear or favor. Counseling can help children understand why their parents have separated and what effect it will have on them.

Knowing when to quit a marriage is difficult. Doing something about it is even harder. Counselors are available who can offer advice and provide ongoing counseling to everyone involved. It’s pointless going it alone when there is advice available to help you.

There are times when a counselor will tell a couple there is nothing wrong with their marriage. The initial reaction is one of disbelief. Just because you feel your marriage is breaking down doesn’t mean it is. The fact you are both talking to a marriage counselor is often testament to that.

Before I upset everyone, let me explain a little further. If a couple are still in love, still care for each other, and still want to be together, then the marriage still has a strong base. The problem is often an individual problem, not a problem of the marriage.

This can be seen in situations where one partner is under a lot of stress, generally caused by their employment. Other situations include bereavement, where one partner has lost a close friend or relative, and is struggling to come to terms with the situation. Post-partum depression can also come under this umbrella.

Individually, these problems could, over time, cause the marriage to slowly fall apart. Early on, while they will be causing problems in the marriage, the marriage itself is still strong. In these situations, marriage counseling can be of assistance in coming to terms with the problems the other partner is experiencing, but what is really needed is specific counseling to deal with the problem.

In some cases, and post-partum depression is a good example, medical intervention may be necessary. For couples, what is important is to realize that their marriage is still strong – there’s nothing actually wrong with the marriage. There are just individual problems that need to be addressed. In fact, you are in the lucky group – your marriage is still strong so you can work together to overcome the problems that are affecting only one of you.

One of the questions many couples ask, or at least one half of a couple ask, is whether or not their marriage is worth saving. There is a relatively easy answer to that question. Imagine how your relationship was to begin with – do you want that back? If the answer is yes then in most cases the marriage is worth saving.

There are some situations where saving a marriage is going to be difficult. If physical or emotional abuse is an ongoing issue, then that must first be addressed. If it cannot be addressed, then the relationship can not be saved. It’s a frank answer – but then the truth has to be frank. As a couple, you have to be frank with each other, and with your counselor. Do you both really want to save your marriage? If the answer is yes – then it can be saved and with some dedicated effort on your behalf, it will be saved.

Recapturing what you had is not as difficult as it may seem. Sure, you are older and your lifestyle will be very different now. There may be children around that could cramp your emotional freedom – but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Where children are involved, we often recommend farming the children off to friends or relatives for a weekend and taking a romantic escape – it can work wonders.

Which marriages are worth saving? The marriages where both partners can remember what it was like in the beginning, and who both want to return to those heady days. Of course, we can’t replicate those days entirely, but we can bring back many of those feelings you once had.

The number one question asked of counselors – where has my marriage gone wrong? We wish the answer was as simple as the question. Marriages can go wrong for a lot of reasons. One reason that is hard to fathom is the cop out answer – “we weren’t right for each other”.

I call that a cop-out answer since there was obviously something ‘right’ when you first got married – if not, why get married (unless it was forced, of course, but that’s a different story)? I said that marriages can go wrong for a lot of reasons, but you can generally look at three specific areas. These are:

Loss of trust – infidelity is the major cause of a loss of trust, but other events can also raise this issue. The good news is, if all else is reasonably well, then trust can be rebuilt and the marriage wil not only be saved, but will often be on much firmer ground.

Growing resentment – this is perhaps one of the major causes behind most marriage problems. A mother feels resentment at being stuck at home without a career. A father feels resentment because family is hindering his career. You name an event, and you can find some resentment building. Even buying a new (another) pair of shoes, or watching another football game can build resentment. Again, resentment is an issue that can be resolved fairly easily. Open communication channels enable a married couple to talk about these issues rather than letting them build.

Insecurity – insecurity is one of the hardest emotions to deal with. This is often because it is ingrained, developed from childhood, and perhaps reinforced by failed relationships in the past. Being insecure in a relationship can foster lack of trust and resentment. Counseling can help an individual deal with insecurity and generally build a stable relationship. Insecurity is generally an emotion that stays so couples need to find tools that will help them deal with insecurities.

If you can identify any of those issues, then you’re well on the way to discovering ‘where your marriage has gone wrong’. Talk to a marriage counselor and start to break down these issues. A marriage counselor can help your both deal with each of the issues, steadily rebuilding your relationship.

We live in a world where families can be split by wide distances. Mom may be at home with a couple of school age children. The eldest child may be away at college, and dad may be off working in some remote corner of the world. Long distance families are difficult to maintain although they are a little easier today compared to twenty years ago.

The Internet now enables families to be together, even though they may be separated by hundreds, or even thousands, of miles. The Internet doesn’t just provide a communication channel between two people, today’s technology allows people from all over the world to connect at the same time, much like an online business conference.

This technology has also been adopted by marriage counselors and is being used with great effect to help families deal with issues when they arise, rather than letting them fester for months until the family is together in the one room again. There are many marriages that have been saved because they have been able to come together and discuss their problems, all under the guidance of an online marriage counselor.

Distance is a problem, however, twenty years ago the closest two people got was an occasional snail mail letter or a telephone call. You can now see who your talking to, thanks to web cams. You can talk to them, thanks to online technology and companies such as Skype, and it can all be done simultaneously, much like the earlier chat windows.

If your relationship is suffering because of distance, it no longer has to. Online marriage counseling can now be just as effective no matter where any one lives.

One of the most common complaints that marriage counselors hear is that a partner spends more time at work than they do in the home. While most people do spend more time at work than with their families, there is a difference between ‘normal’ working hours, and extended working hours.

If you sleep for the recommended eight hours per night, and work eight hours per day, that should leave eight hours with your family – a balanced lifestyle. Of course, travel time starts to eat into your family time, and if you have young children, then their early bed times reduces your time with the family. What rankles most partners are the ten hour work days (plus travel time) with the working partner not arriving home until the kids are in bed.

This is a difficult situation for marriage counselors to deal with as there are many issues at play here. Men are generally more guilty of this situation than women, although some children grow accusing both parents of being married to their work. Some of the issues at play include power, fear (of losing their job), and in some situations actually using work to escape family life.

Marriage counseling can help couples deal with these problems, especially the last one. Escaping family life generally means that a person is not happy in the relationship. Being able to resolve that issue can help a couple return to a happier more stable family life where work is no longer used as a refuge. Fear of losing one’s job can also be handled through marriage counseling, since often these fears are ungrounded.

Is your partner married to their work? If so, it may be time to prize them away for an hour or two to chat with a marriage counselor. If they don’t, they may find that one day they return home from work to find the house empty, and their family moving on without them.

We enter into a lot of relationships in our lives, not just those related to romance. Almost every relationship, including those involving romance, rely on one single word for survival. That word? Trust.

While many people would consider love the most important word in a marriage, no one has ever been able to really define it (the word love that is). Even if you could define love, trust would be an important component of the definition. So what’s the one action that can destroy any relationship? Breaching that trust, of course.

When it comes to marriage, a breach of trust can be very hard to recover from. This is especially true when it comes to infidelity. However, infidelity is only one area where trust is an issue. Anyone who has continually failed to deliver on promises will find that trust is very quickly lost – and once it has been lost, the marriage or relationship may follow closely behind.

Marriage counselors deal with loss of trust on a regular basis. It is one of the most common problems found when marriages are starting to decline. It is also a hard area for anyone, a marriage counselor included, to try and repair. They say that trust must be earned, however, when it comes to romance trust is often given freely when couples first come together and ‘click’. Of course, those who have loved and lost several times soon learn that trust must be earned – but even then, once earned, it is just as easily lost.

Trust holds most relationships together. If your marriage is suffering from a lack of trust, you may find it helpful to talk to a marriage counselor. Trust will need to be earned again before the marriage can move on and heal itself – however, without the guidance of a marriage counselor, you may never be in a position for that trust to be earned again.

One of the toughest things for any family to go through is some form of tragedy. In today’s world, tragedy is really often waiting just around the corner. Car accidents, house fires, workplace accidents, crime and, in today’s world, even terrorism can strike at any time – often leaving a family devastated by one or more loss.

That’s one form of tragedy. There are many others including tragic events that are expected. The loss of a child after a long illness, while expected, can still be devastating. What concerns many counselors is that families don’t seek some form of counseling following these events.

If there is an event in a school, the students are all offered counseling. If there is a crime in the home, counseling is often suggested to those involved. Yet there are many tragic events that occur where families should be seeking some form of counseling. Some families survive and grow stronger while others slowly fall apart – often bitterly.

So why do some families survive these tragic events while others fall apart? Counseling, of course, plays a huge role for some families. However, families that don’t seek out counseling still survive, and one of the major reasons is communication – not being afraid to share their own feelings with their partner. More importantly, each partner being open and allowing the other partner to share their feelings – with acceptance and no recriminations.

What often pulls families down is the blame game. “if only you had ……” or “if you hadn’t have done …….” are just two of the blame game type statements made. Often, the statements are very true, but that only enhances that person’s own feelings of guilt. The blame game cannot reverse what has happened. People have to move on in their life and while grieving is an important process, doing it alone can be almost impossible.

If tragedy does strike, seek out a family counselor as soon as possible. They can help you understand your own feelings, and help your progress through the grieving stages to rebuild your life. Although it is hard to believe, there is a life after a tragedy, and as a family you need to work together to achieve it.

While marriage counseling spends a lot of time dealing with issues within a relationship, one of the interesting aspects is that which involves romance. When a relationship starts to turn a little frosty, romance is one of the first aspects to be pushed aside. Romance is also one of those aspects of a relationship that tends to go stale over time. In general, we all need to inject a little more romance into our lives. Here are four areas you can look at to help you boost the romantic side of your relationship.

Rediscover the language of love

Love has a language all its own, a language we all need to learn. In what way does your partner appreciate love? Is it in words, deeds, affection, gifts, or time? Rediscover your partner’s language and ply it when they least expect it. It can work magic.

Feel the mood of love

Romance is all about atmosphere, but you have to know when the atmosphere is right. You can of course try and manipulate the atmosphere – a candle-lit dinner, a romantic walk in the park. Feel the mood and appreciate it – don’t ignore it.

Be spontaneous

Acting on the spur of the moment can be very romantic, so long as your spontaneity is appropriate. A bunch of flowers as you’re walking down the road with your partner (and don’t be afraid to give HIM flowers either), sneaking a kiss when alone in a lift, or wearing something sexy, just for him (or her).

Understanding timing

Timing is everything. If your partner is stressed with a deadline to meet, help them achieve it, even if it means leaving them alone. Once they do complete the task, surprise them with a reward of some description – even if it’s just a big hug and a welcome drink. Being romantic can be spontaneous, but we all have times that are ‘just not right’. Learn to read them, and you will know when a romantic act will have its best effect.

We all need a little more romance in our lives. Try a couple of those tips – who knows, it may inject some new life in to your relationship.

There is an interesting study that has been done that followed relationship bust ups as reported on Facebook. It seems we are not shy when it comes to telling the world that our relationships are coming to, or come to, and end. What is interesting is the trend as to when relationships break up – it seems that the period just before Christmas and around Valentine’s Day have almost double the number of relationship failures. Why is this so?

We can surmise many different reasons. I have read some that sound absolutely ridiculous and some, while sounding a little odd, could have some substance to them. Here are a couple of the reasons offered:

Save money – this has to be the strangest reason for ending a relationship. Do it before Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day and you will save money.

In-Laws theory – now this theory does hold a little more water. In-laws have always been seen as problem areas, especially if couples come from different social groups.

Fear of Commitment – for those couples who are in a relationship but have not yet tied the not, the commitment theory is very plausible. During the year, things are fine. Come Christmas, it’s time to meet the parents and the rest of the family. That starts to sound like a permanent relationship and those who are not ready to commit suddenly find reasons why they can’t meet the family – or simply end the relationship.

The Christmas Curse has been around for a long time. It doesn’t just affect those in a short-term relationship; it also affects those who are married as well. Marriage often helps to prevent a complete bust up of the relationship, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t put a lot of strain on the couple.

Marriage counselors tend to find their services are in most demand shortly after holiday periods like Christmas. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for another couple or two. If you have been affected by the Christmas Curse, contact a counselor today – they can help you get your marriage back on track.

He’s old, she’s half his age; she’s rich, he’s from the wrong side of the tracks; she’s got a college degree, he’s a high school drop out. You see or hear of these opposites forming relationships all the time and yet what many people don’t realize is that these relationships generally are long lasting. We won’t go into the psychology behind opposites attracting like this, but it does raise the question as to why these relationships are stronger and longer lasting than others.

The answer often is not by looking at what is working in these relationships. The answer is more often found in what is not working in failed relationships. If we ignore the more extreme factors like substance abuse and violence, we arrive at factors such as poor communication and feelings of being taken for granted.

Communication levels are different in every relationship and when those ‘opposites’ relationships fail, communication is at the very top. The one complaint you rarely hear of in these relationships is ‘being taken for granted’. Opposites tend to have more respect for one another and this respect drives other factors in that relationship. Rather than one partner being taken for granted, the focus is more on an inclusive approach to life where roles, tasks, and life in general is shared.

Opposites do attract, and they do tend to stick together for long periods. However, even opposites run into difficulties and require external assistance. Counseling can help any relationship that is running into difficulties. We can learn one thing from those opposites involved in long-term relationships – and that is to have a little respect for each other.

I’ve known Dr. Marty Tashman for some time now, and I’m not sure if New Jersey has a more qualified expert for saving troubled relationships. He has been in practice for over 34 years. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, as well as a licensed Social Worker. He has a doctorate in Clinical Psychology, as well as a Master’s in Counseling. He has been featured as an expert on television, radio interviews, and in print.

I introduce him to you today, because he’s just recently made a Youtube video that tells more about his practice, and I want to make more people aware of the great work he does. To find out more about his philosophy for helping couples, visit his website: YourMarriageCounselor.com.

1-888-281-5850 – Dr. Marty Tashman

Dr. Marty has offices around New Jersey and other therapists who can take on clients when his schedule gets full, so pick up the phone and start fixing your relationship today.

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Experience what many couples have found to be a satisfying, comfortable, cost-effective, time-efficient way to nourish and heal their relationship. For intensive marriage counseling in Philadelphia and surrounding areas contact Jacqueline Summers or Arlene Foreman.