The Marriage Counseling Blog

Are you able to sit with your partner without doing anything at all? Can you shut off the television, computer and phone and just sit and be together? Many couples find it difficult to just be together with each other.

Do you and your spouse often invite friends or other family members to join you in activities? Some couples find it boring to just be by themselves. They often don’t go to dinner together, can’t vacation alone, and wouldn’t dream of doing something without outside entertainment. Does the thought of sitting next to a pool, just the two of you, sound exciting or incredibly boring? If it sounds painful, consider what would happen if the two of you spent time alone together. Read the rest of this article »

Lack of sexual desire can be caused by several different factors. Physical health problems, mental health problems, and substance abuse are some of the most common reasons people lack sexual sexual desire. Lack of sexual desire can be very damaging to a marriage so it is important to explore what the causes may be.

Some physical health issues that decrease a person’s sexual desire include hormonal problems and many chronic illnesses. Sometimes the side effects of medications can decrease a person’s libido. Many anti-depressants have this side effect. Sleep problems can also impact a person’s overall functioning, including sexual desire. Fatigue is another barrier to a healthy sex life. Read the rest of this article »

When arguments become destructive, they are very dangerous to the relationship. The way people argue tells a lot about their relationship and can predict the outcome of the marriage. Although many people who have heated arguments don’t end up in divorce, a pattern of destructive arguments can lead to irreversible damage.

Destructive arguments mean that either one person wins only or no one wins at all. These patterns prevent both partners from feeling mutually supported and respected. Couples who experience destructive disagreements tend to lack problem-solving skills. Read the rest of this article »

Scientists have discovered that there are differences in the male and female brain. There are differences in the way men and women process information and engage in problem solving. It’s helpful for people to recognize these differences as it can help explain some of those reasons for your partner’s behaviors.

Men and women process emotional experiences differently. Different parts of the brain are used to process emotions. This is why women sometimes remember emotional things more intensely than men do. Read the rest of this article »

Anger is a feeling. Aggression is a behavior. However, often the two get confused. At other times people use their anger as an excuse to behave in an aggressive manner.

Anger is an acceptable emotion just like happiness or sadness. Everyone feels angry sometimes. However, many people deny that they ever feel angry. For others, they tend to become angry to cover up other feelings, such as hurt and sadness. Read the rest of this article »

When people become dissatisfied with the relationship and they don’t address their frustrations, resentment can build. This resentment can quickly turn to anger. When people become angry and resentful, it creates a new set of problems for the marriage.

When people feel angry and resentful, the last thing they often want to do is engage in any sort of physical relationship. Then when physical intimacy declines, it causes even more marital problems. This cycle of anger and resentment and lack of intimacy can lead to the dissolution of a marriage. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people use their anger as a tool to control their partner. Aggressive behaviors may include things such as threats, name calling, and throwing things. Aggression may include other forms of intimidation such as a look that is meant to control the other person.

Aggression can become both physically and emotionally abusive. It may be subtle or it may include outright acts of violence. People who react aggressively often don’t know how to get their needs met without using aggressive behaviors. Read the rest of this article »

There are many theories about sleep and dreams but there’s still a lot of mystery around this topic for psychologists. What we do know for sure is that finding time to reconnect at the end of each day is an easy way to stay connected and increase your intimacy. For some couples, the few minutes they spend talking before bed, may be some of the only moments they have alone together all day. Spending a few minutes connecting and then sleeping next to one another can help the two of you stay close.

Couples who work different hours may have to put some extra effort into sleeping the same times. Other people have an innate preference for being a night owl while others prefer to go to sleep early. Whatever your differences, work together to find a way to make your sleep habits coincide. Read the rest of this article »

A bad temper can be toxic to many relationships, especially a marriage. It can cause a variety of problems for both partners. A bad temper can be a bad habit and without appropriate anger management skills, it can lead to a marriage dissolving.

People who have a bad temper often “explode.” They may yell, scream, call their partner names, throw things or make threats. They often say mean things and act very irrational when they are angry. Read the rest of this article »

Couples who laugh together often report more positive feelings toward their partner. Humor can actually be quite intimate. Sharing a personal joke together can often make two people feel more connected than ever.

When was the last time you and your partner shared a good laugh together? Sometimes life gets serious and people stop laughing. However, when things become all work and no play, the relationship sometimes seems to go stale. Read the rest of this article »

So, let’s talk about what you can do to help your partner get through this period of unemployment.

As noted in the previous post, you’ve gotten a sense of possibilities.  Make a plan with different degrees of urgency.  That means that you or your partner may have to leave for a while to find work.  Can you continue the relationship?  How will that affect you, the children, your pets?  How will it affect your/ her/his parents and extended family?   Can you relocate?  What kinds of changes might that bring on for all?  These are questions you have to confront realistically. Read the rest of this article »

Your partner is unemployed. Perhaps s/he has just lost their job or has been downsized. S/he is depressed, anxious, and at loose ends. You both feel exhausted and at dead ends.  Are there actions that you can take to help her or him?  This will be a two-part  post. Here are a few suggestions.

Before beginning, some important facts to keep in mind. The economy is in a terrible place these days.  Very few of us have the luxury of reserve bank accounts, rich and understanding relatives, the ability to move, flexible health insurance policies, etc. So, what can you do next? Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes people report that their anger goes from zero to ten in an instant. When people say this, it is usually because they do not recognize the warning signs that their anger is on the rise. Learning how to recognize when you are becoming angry can help you to make better decisions about how to handle your anger, which can greatly improve your marriage.

Your body has a reaction when you become angry. Everyone’s physical symptoms are a little bit different so it is important to learn how to pay attention to what your body does when you are angry. The most common physical reactions include feeling your face becoming hot, increased heart rate, sweating, shaking, and a change in breathing. Read the rest of this article »

Having a sense of purpose together can be a powerful way to grow your relationship. Working together can provide you with a sense of accomplishment. It can also remind you that the two of you are a team and that when you work together, you can get things done.

For many couples, the goal is to make one another happy and to feel happy themselves. There’s nothing wrong with setting your sights on this. However, couples who report that they also have other goals that they work on together often report that it brings their relationship to new levels. Read the rest of this article »

Giving compliments to your spouse is an important part of having a healthy relationship. Many couples compliment one another early on. While they are dating, they offer frequent affirmations and compliments galore. But then, after a few years, those can start to dissipate.

When was the last time you commented on your spouse’s beauty in some way, shape or form? It’s important for your spouse to know that you find her attractive. Reminding her that she’s beautiful on the inside and out can help improve her self-confidence. Read the rest of this article »

It’s important to be open to new ideas, new experiences and new adventures during your marriage. If your spouse suggests trying something new, be open minded about it. Trying new things can help you grow together as a couple. People who feel bored with life often make boring partners.

Boredom can be a big problem for many couples. It can make people to feel as though they are “stuck in a rut” as they continue their routines day after day. People often become creatures of habit and their leisure time is often spent doing the same activities over and over. Read the rest of this article »

Disagreement in a marriage is inevitable. It’s okay and healthy to disagree on things. If you always agreed on everything, there wouldn’t be much sense in having a mate. Some people fear conflict and avoid arguments at all costs. Accepting that arguments are inevitable can be a healthy part of a marriage.

Arguing isn’t a bad thing. How you both handle yourselves during an argument determines whether the disagreement is going to benefit or damage the relationship. It is important to examine how you conduct yourself during arguments. Read the rest of this article »

There’s this couple. She sings  in a chorus and he’s a manic baseball fan. She travels around the world with her group and he is a walking encyclopedia of his team.  Can this relationship be saved?  Here are some ideas.

The questions you need to ask are in no particular order.  First, ask yourself: Do I judge this person for their interests?  Is it an appropriate interest or so weird I can’t respect that person, let alone myself, for being with her or him?  You want to make sure you don’t cut or slam the person in a dispute–and there are sure to be some fights about this or something else where this can come up. Get it clear first. Learn to keep your opinion on their obsession off the table. Read the rest of this article »

When an argument becomes heated, do you ever raise your voice? Many people do, but it’s not helpful or healthy. It is important to identify the reason you raise your voice and to learn new techniques that can help you communicate more effectively.

Some people raise their voice because they are talking over their partner. They don’t want to listen to what their partner has to say and they interrupt and talk louder. This is an aggressive means of trying to force the other person to listen. This can be in a controlling manner and is not healthy. People who behave this way can benefit from learning new interpersonal skills. Read the rest of this article »

When a marriage ends, it doesn’t come to an abrupt, sudden end. Instead, the relationship tends to slowly erode. At some point, one or both of the people in the relationship recognize that this erosion has occurred and the relationship may come to an end.

It is important to prevent this erosion from slowly and subtly weakening your marriage. Although all relationships change over time, there is a difference between growing together and growing apart. Sometimes couples stop spending time together, stop doing fun things, and start arguing more as the relationship erodes. Read the rest of this article »